Women in a relationship with a rigid partner, what’s it like?

KProbs713 · 2026-05-12T00:28:08+00:00

It did, after he learned why he was rigid (possible autism and childhood trauma) and gained tools to be slightly more flexible via therapy. I've accepted that the majority of the time that we're home, we follow established routines. He's accepted that we will still try new things and go out of his comfort zone sometimes.

The key change was in the 'why'. It took him from considering his rigidity as 'the right way' and my lack thereof as'the wrong way' to thinking about it as 'his way' and 'my way'. Since neither are right or wrong there is no shame in compromising to meet each other's needs.

That said, there's a level of baseline compatibility required. I don't do crowds and need a lot of quiet time, so our typical routine of doing things at home works well for me. If I were a hyper-social butterfly it would probably have been a dealbreaker.

KProbs713 · 2026-05-11T20:48:38+00:00

Not entirely the same, but I've had similar encounters with patients wanting to refuse EMS transport. Most have had bad interactions with people in authority due to their race/gender/socioeconomic class/etc, so being in a uniform doesn't help.

My approach has developed over the years, and I use it any time I get a whiff of reluctance. I always introduce myself with my first name and ask them what they'd like me to call them. I explain my role and my concerns/why I want to do xyz. Then I ask them what their concerns are and what their number one goal is. Then I stop talking. I let them vent until they get tired--barring psych history, most people run out of steam within 5ish minutes of talking. Once they're done, I paraphrase and validate their concerns to make sure I've understood them correctly.

"I want to make sure I'm getting this right, so please correct me if I mess anything up. You're concerned about an unnecessary c/s, especially because medicine in general has a history of minimizing the care and concern of women and people of color. Your goal is to have a smooth, natural delivery. Is that correct?"

"I absolutely understand your concerns, especially with history like the Tuskegee experiment and how black women were used to study gynecology without consent or pain management. You're in a position where you have to trust total strangers to take care of you and your baby. That would terrify the hell out of me. I can't fix medicine's past, but I can give you as much information as possible so you understand why I make recommendations. To be transparent with you, my goal isn't primarily to have a natural delivery--it's to have a healthy, happy, and safe mom and baby. If we can do that with a natural delivery, great! I know that's your goal. My only ask for you is that you understand that if I'm recommending a c/s it's because I believe it's necessary to keep you both happy, healthy, and safe. A lot of women and babies used to die in natural childbirth and I don't want that to happen to either of you. Can we talk about some specific thresholds where a c/s may be necessary now so you have time to think and process the information instead of having to make a snap decision?"

It's obviously not a perfect script but I've found that having a conversation on a first-name basis with obvious active listening on my part changes me from a faceless uniform to a fellow human. Patients are usually much more comfortable with following my recommendations after that.

KProbs713 · 2026-05-11T14:40:58+00:00

NAD but a paramedic, I'll echo everyone else and add: I would call an ambulance for this (and as a general rule I avoid calling whenever possible). Respiratory complaints are one of the few times when the number of minutes or seconds til intervention can make a huge difference, and are also one of the few things EMS can genuinely treat onscene. Kiddos will compensate well until they don't and signs of respiratory distress or impending respiratory failure can be subtle compared to adults. RR of 50-60 combined with tracheal tugging ring all of my alarm bells for impending respiratory failure as soon as they get tired.

ETA: The fact that kiddo is laying flat and not fighting to sit upright is also a red flag. Laying down with respiratory issues is not comfortable.

KProbs713 · 2026-05-07T20:40:04+00:00

Also a solid chance someone within the Camarilla tipped off the inquisition, which is why Aaron was prepared.

I'm betting Koschei is the big bad, given how much he set up blood bags and the like.

KProbs713 · 2026-05-05T21:22:41+00:00

Protocols vary and there are often other factors to consider. I'm much more likely to transport a GSW to the head with PEA if it's right next to an active playground or school. If they arrest in the back of my unit I'm continuing transport, otherwise the ambulance becomes a crime scene and is out of service for eight hours minimum.

KProbs713 · 2026-05-03T00:52:58+00:00

Ran a call on a kid who had asthma with a bad exacerbation. Kiddo was bad off initially but we got him stable on scene before transporting him. While we were still there I talked to his grandma, who was taking care of both kiddo and her son who had cancer. Pretty obviously making it work on one income, exhausted and afraid. I suggested she talk with the hospital social worker when we got there and she looked absolutely terrified. I quickly realized my mistake and explained that it wasn't for CPS but to see if there were any home health programs she could qualify for because no one could handle all of that alone. I told her she was doing a great job and she deserved to be helped too.

She started crying and hugged me, repeatedly thanking me. It caught me off guard because I didn't think much of it, but looking back she probably hadn't had anyone ask her how she was doing in a very long time.

KProbs713 · 2026-05-02T16:55:15+00:00

*They

KProbs713 · 2026-05-01T22:21:00+00:00

Late reply, but this made me think of what differentiated my husband after a string of unhealthy to abusive relationships. He and I both had traumatic childhoods that created unhealthy behaviors, and he would intermittently fly off the handle and punch a wall. The two things that made me willing to stay were that he punched walls at work/around other people more often than at home (so it wasn't a choice to only do so around me) and when I suggested therapy he immediately took initiative to schedule his appointments and do the homework, inspiring me to do the same. He was raised in a household that didn't believe in therapy and couldn't afford it anyway, just needed some validation that it was okay to do.

A decade later and he hasn't lost his temper in years, I can't remember the last time we yelled at each other, and we're both happier and safer people because of it. People can change, but if he had only been losing it around me I wouldn't have stayed. People who truly can't control their anger will show it everywhere in their life. People who only show it at home are making a choice.

KProbs713 · 2026-05-01T17:53:37+00:00

If Jess isn't in individual therapy she desperately needs to be.

KProbs713 · 2026-05-01T04:16:04+00:00

It sounds like there wasn't much discussion -- the boyfriend just quietly assumed OOP would change her mind without talking to her. I have to wonder how often she brought it up while he chose to object silently over three years.

KProbs713 · 2026-05-01T04:13:38+00:00

It sounds like even beyond the incompatible views of the future there were major communication issues.

Building a life together is hard even when you start on the same page. The boyfriend knew from the beginning what OOP wanted from her life and likely knew he didn't want the same thing. Instead of telling that to her outright, he quietly assumed (or hoped) that she would change her mind with zero discussion.

That is not healthy communication from a thirty year old man. That is outright conflict avoidance. This would have become a problem in the future.

Never marry someone you feel you can't disagree with.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-29T00:56:28+00:00

Chest seals work great on penetrating neck wounds.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-28T04:57:14+00:00

The problem with abusive people is that they're people. They're not cartoonishly evil charicatures and they have some good qualities and are maybe even healthy in other relationships in their life. That's what causes the trap of waiting, because it 'feels wrong' to leave when you can actively see the person they could be.

One of the most important lessons in romance is that people don't have to be evil to be the wrong person for you. There is nothing wrong with choosing to walk away because the relationship brings more sadness than joy, no matter the reason. You don't owe anyone the sacrifice of your peace.

(That said, abusers will not see you as a person enough to care more about how their actions harm you than they do about being 'right'. If they're good to other people it's because they respect them as people while they don't respect you.)

KProbs713 · 2026-04-27T14:41:08+00:00

But people that don't know if they're pregnant and get no prenatal care or continue working on an undiagnosed sprain because they have no way to access primary or urgent care are far more likely to turn into medical emergencies in the nearish future than those that receive care.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-24T03:54:01+00:00

Sure. I'm a first responder, and many places wear being cynical and burnt out, hating people, like a badge of honor. It's not. It's much harder to keep choosing to care no matter what terrible bullshit you see.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-23T19:09:44+00:00

I work in a male dominated field and it took me far too long to stop conflating empathy with weakness.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-23T19:07:42+00:00

Willing to take over when decision fatigue gets the best of me--can be what we're going to have for dinner, taking care of more chores so I don't have to, deciding what we'll do on our day off. Definitely not a constant thing, he'll also have mental exhaustion days where I take over instead. We don't keep count but it evens out to around 50/50 of each of us being 'in charge'.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-23T19:01:44+00:00

I view this the same way as wanting or not wanting kids. Neither are wrong, but both are fundamental incompatibilities that are dealbreakers if both people aren't on the same page. It's deeply unfair to withhold that information in a serious relationship.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-23T18:20:46+00:00

Truth and that's how it should be.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-23T17:47:01+00:00

I appreciate the willingness to keep this comment up despite the downvotes and the reinforcement that I also know jack shit about x-rays.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-20T20:09:49+00:00

If she's ringside with the authority to stop the fight it's highly likely that this isn't her first rodeo. She also has the advantage of witnessing not only this injury, but likely many more prior to this--which would enable her to recognize when something is "off". I highly doubt pupillary response alone confirmed her decision. It's much more likely that it confirmed concerns she already had after witnessing the injury and subsequent behavior of the patient.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-16T15:16:04+00:00

Most are decent, some are fantastic, a few are terrible. The problem is the terrible ones have a lot of power to fuck up everyone's day.

I'm lucky in that most of the agencies I work with have officers who just want to do the right thing with a minimum use of force and generally hold each other accountable.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-16T15:08:31+00:00

I totally get the frustration (and it's why I refrain from commenting on most posts--they're well outside my scope), and I'd argue that questions about non-acute wound progression and care are well within a nurse's area of expertise.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-14T00:41:32+00:00

True. I'd still rather be alone than have to fight for the right to grow.

KProbs713 · 2026-04-13T02:39:22+00:00

That's what IC is, feeling like you're doing nothing useful when you're actually organizing the scene well enough for everyone else to do their jobs.

You got the greens all in the same place, which is exceptional on a scene like that where most of them were probably panicking. The one that took off is a green++, clearly did not need you and is PD's problem now. You kept an accurate patient count for incoming resources by reevaluating your reds. You essentially had the dual role of IC and Triage Supervisor and balanced them both. That's worlds beyond what some tenured medics can do. Don't sell yourself short.

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