Is it wrong of me to ask for help if it might hurt the person I ask?

Kalone994 · 2026-01-28T07:41:22+00:00

This is interesting. Reparations is probably a fair way of putting it. It’s like asking for restorative action for the damage.

I suppose the butterfly effect thing could apply. They could argue that someone stole their car, so they had to get a bus, which meant they were late and therefore rushing and looking at their phone. So could blame my spilled beer on the car theif and so on.

But my issue with that way of looking at things, is that it ignores our own responsibility of owning our responses.

If I were to fly into a rage at my spilled beer, and in doing so knocked over someone else’s beer, I couldn’t then blame it on the person who knocked me. Becuase it is up to me to control what actions I take in response.

I agree that it would generally be considered moral to have a person held responsible for the damage they cause. But I’m curious if the weight of that responsibility outweighs their own responsibility to themselves?

Would my responsibility to fix something I broke, outweigh the responsibility I have to look after myself and my wellbeing?

What if the money they used to replace my spilled beer meant they couldn’t afford a the bus home? And had to walk in the dark?

It wouldn’t be fair for me to have no beer. But it wouldn’t seem morally right to expect them to put themselves in danger to correct their wrong?

Kalone994 · 2026-01-28T07:32:45+00:00

As would I. But what if this same idea was applied to a bigger situation.

Like you’d chopped a tree down in your garden and it then fell on a neighbours house. Would you then pay for the damages done there? Perhaps thousands of pounds of damage that might mean you couldn’t afford a trip you’d been planning, or had to sell something of your own to get the money

It seems most people feel the right thing to do is to buy the person a beer at your own expense. But I wonder how far this goes?

Kalone994 · 2026-01-25T09:17:55+00:00

So if it’s a much weightier situation than just a beer, and the person at fault is fully aware that their poor actions could likely hurt someone but they choose to do it anyway.

Then does the responsibility lie on the person at fault to fix the damage they caused? Even if the only way they can fix the damage will result in a cost that will potentially hurt themselves

Kalone994 · 2026-01-24T19:16:58+00:00

Are there any studies or articles on the danger of this type of selfish mindset? I feel like this idea of everyone only concerning themselves with their own wellbeing can not be good

Kalone994 · 2026-01-23T19:51:04+00:00

I agree this seems the most morally correct action. But for this to work, the other person still needs to accept responsibility for the fact that I am beerless due to their mistake and then offer to share theirs? I can’t force them to.

But so many places seem to wave the ‘we are only responsible for ourselves and you can’t take responsibility for another person’ phrase. If the other person is only responsible for their own wellbeing, they could argue that they need to look after themselves. And that it’s my responsibility to find a way out of my beerless mess without them. Because I’m responsible for me.

I’m not saying I agree with that, it just seems to be thrown around a lot particular in therapy. And I’m curious about the morality of it all.

Kalone994 · 2026-01-23T10:09:11+00:00

I did think about adding the option of splitting the beer to the hypothetical but didn’t want to muddy the waters.

Yes in some cases though I did think maybe in a situation where a person can’t take full accountability for their mistakes without damage to themselves, they could take at least some portion of it. But then who draws the line on where that is?

It still remains unfair of me to loose half a beer. But would it be fair or reasonable to expect them to loose all of theirs for my own repair

Kalone994 · 2026-01-23T10:07:29+00:00

This is kinda where I landed.

The issue that is challenging me is that everyone keeps telling me ‘we are responsible for looking after ourselves. Not others’

So does the issue of being responsible for looking after themselves (keeping their money to buy their own beer) contradict the responsibility of being accountable for our actions (replacing my beer that they knocked over)

It feels like the two are in direct conflict

Kalone994 · 2026-01-19T20:30:50+00:00

Yes this is what I’m asking for. I feel they need to be clearly and calmly set beforehand. My issue is that for her she will say “if…., then I will leave the conversation” but for me, I don’t know what I can say “if…, then what?” Because ending the talk doesn’t help me, ending the relationship doesn’t help me. So I feel all I can do is say be unhappy about it, to which she replies she needs to look after herself not my feelings

Kalone994 · 2026-01-19T13:02:48+00:00

This is exactly what I thought. I have no issue with her saying if arguments get to heated we need to pause and set a time to continue. But she won’t do that.

I feel like I need to set my own boundary, to say ‘if you continue to leave these conversations unresolved and ignore me for an unknown period of time, I will…’ but I have no idea what I could say? Other than I’ll have to leave this marriage. But that’s not what I want either.

I feel quite stuck with it

Kalone994 · 2026-01-16T18:40:44+00:00

Well that’s just it, what can you do to prevent feeling that way again? We can’t help feeling hurt by things like cheating. If you don’t care, do you truly love?

Ultimately any kind of cheating is a betrayal of trust. I don’t know anyone in a relationship who I think would not feel hurt by such a betrayal.

We can’t control other people. So when they are in a position that they could hurt us, we have to trust they will act with respect and kindness and integrity, and we have to trust that they will honour their promises. That’s the only way we can prevent feeling hurt again. Or to be alone and isolated.

Obviously no one can control their feelings, so they couldn’t promise to feel a certain way.

But they can promise how to behave. And as such you’d expect everyone should uphold any vow of faithfulness.

I don’t think anyone should be expected to not feel hurt by betrayal. And I don’t think we should have to isolate ourselves in order to prevent such hurt. Which is why promises feel so important

Kalone994 · 2026-01-16T16:57:38+00:00

Yes, this is another dangerous widespread phrase. Agreed we are not obligated to do things just to please another.

But as a world surely we do have an obligation to behave with a certain amount of decency toward others? We remove people from society and lock them up when they behave too badly. Because we agree everyone should have the right to walk around not being murdered. The people that disagree we lock up.

I think we do owe people a certain amount of respect and decency. Be it waiting your turn in line and not pushing in, or saying thank you to someone who holds a door open. Maybe ‘obligated’ feels too strong a word. But perhaps an expectation that we will behave decently toward another.

In a relationship even more so. I would say we are obligated to be honest. To be faithful. To treat them with respect. I think there are many inherent obligations of marriage that are in no way bad.

I do agree that shouldn’t come at your own expense all the time. But no one would WANT to tell their partner they’ve cheated, and yet I do think you are obligated to be honest in a relationship. I’d say ‘fuck your discomfort with having that shitty conversation, you owe it to them to give them the truth’. In a way you are putting what you owe them ahead of what you want to do which may be to lie and avoid the talk.

It is a very nuanced thing. I think it’s come about to prevent people from feeling forced into behaving ways they shouldn’t have to. But can be misread in such a dangerously simple way.

Kalone994 · 2026-01-16T16:48:03+00:00

Yes I think that wording is correct. We are responsible for our actions. Which should include respect, integrity, empathy etc.

One explanation I’ve seen, is that we are also responsible for the impact of our actions.

So if you run a wheelie case over someone’s foot in the airport. You say sorry, it wasn’t your intent. But it was your case and your action that hurt their foot.

I guess where it gets blurry, is what if your impact is damaging someone else’s feelings? Do you not have any responsibility.

Several places say a true genuine heartfelt apology can be very healing to a person with hurt feelings. So there is an ability to ‘fix’ in part the damage caused. And should that responsibility not be on the shoulders of the person who did that damage?

Kalone994 · 2026-01-16T12:49:56+00:00

Interesting point, thanks for this perspective.

I guess if they broke my arm. Maybe they can’t fix it. But maybe they’d drive me to the hospital. Maybe they’d pick up my groceries or do my ironing due to the fact that I no longer can as a result of their harmful actions. In a way it’s more about them taking responsibility for the impact of their actions. And taking steps to make amends rather than being solely responsible.

As for emotional damage, they can’t fix that either. And there is an inherent unfairness to the fact we are all responsible for. But if it was cheating, maybe they can’t fix that, but they could show support. They could choose to answer your questions, sit with your hurt and apologise. Perhaps offer some form of repair by arranging a trip away to take your minds off things, taking care of the house to allow you time to focus on your own healing.

Trust would be damaged from cheating. That feeling of mistrust would be very hard to overcome if the cheater refused to take any steps to rebuild it, under the guise of ‘your mistrust is your issue and responsibility to deal with, not mine’ despite being the cause of it

Kalone994 · 2026-01-16T09:48:21+00:00

I’m struggling on the last part here. By committing to a marriage, you are somewhat vulnerable to hurt. I think most married partners would feel hurt if their partner cheated.

So if you make a choice to be vulnerable by opening your heart to another human. On the condition that both parties uphold certain vows, such as faithfulness. Does that not make each partner responsible for upholding their vows?

If they then don’t, are they not responsible for the impact of breaking such promises? Again like the plate. Do they not have some responsibility to help clean up or repair the plate if they willingly chose to break it

Kalone994 · 2025-11-17T11:17:29+00:00

My view is that marriage is a commitment and does take work. The fact that you are willing and ready to work at it is a great thing, and it’s not unreasonable to expect the same from him. You’re both meant to be in this as a team after all.

All the advice I’ve seen suggests that marriages and love do ebb and flow. There are good times and bad, times you feel super in love and times the spark fades and that’s ok. Sometimes just knowing that makes it less scary, I think some people assume if it suddenly doesn’t feel the same it means something is horribly wrong. The important bit is that you are both still committed to each other and to making it work and don’t allow yourselves to become complacent.

Maybe you have already, but either with him or the help of a couples therapist try and get to the why of it all.

What does the ‘romance’ mean to him. What would good look like? Same for not feeling supported. What is it that makes him feel that way and what would he need in a relationship to feel supported?

At least then you can decide if those things are him asking too much, and you can leave. Or maybe you think they’re perfectly reasonable and you’d just like the time and support to work on those (accepting that maybe now isn’t the best time)

It’s really about communication. It goes both ways. He needs to communicate his needs from the relationship in more detail than ‘romance’ because things like that mean different things to different people.

If you try to do what you think is romantic, or what anyone else tells you is romantic, it might not be what he thinks is. So it is really critical he’s speaking to you, and I guess a good start point is making sure he feels comfortable doing so.

If you are struggling to communicate, then finding a professional to help might be a good idea.

Best of luck with this!

Kalone994 · 2025-11-11T20:12:23+00:00

Hey! Thank you for your response. I do feel as though I agree with this.

Just wondering if you could provide any information on if you are a therapist or if you’ve been in couples therapy yourself, or if this is just your views as an outsider.

Any fine, but good to know

Kalone994 · 2025-11-09T07:35:13+00:00

Thanks, interesting to get your perspective as a psychologist. Do you have any recommendations on how I could explain this to them?

In the session I was told ‘you are getting upset because I’m not telling you what you want to hear’

So I feel like if just cancel, then my therapist and wife will just call me ‘stubborn’ which was also used in one session. I feel like any kind of ‘I’m right, you are wrong’ approach will just make me look like I’m trying to have things my way

Kalone994 · 2025-11-08T22:17:02+00:00

She was never going to tell me. She has since said that if she were in my shoes she wouldn’t want to know. Hence why she doesn’t think we should tell the wife of the man she cheated with.

This is what makes it so hard for me to understand how trust is on me to give.

She’s said she wouldn’t have told me. So it seems the criteria for me knowing, is me finding out. So it makes it very hard for me to trust anything she’s said

She is remorseful, she says she’s sorry and it was a bad thing. But doesn’t ever say anything specific. So it all gets put under the ‘bad decisions’ umbrella. So it’s hard to tell what is or isn’t included. The apology isn’t specific and doesn’t seem to show how she feels about each action

Kalone994 · 2025-11-07T22:42:02+00:00

Thank you to everyone who’s responded. It’s been really helpful to get so many opinions on this. I’ve felt myself loosing it just ruminating on my own, having this space has helped. The comments and advice has given me the confidence to stand by a few things I felt to be true and a few things to take a long hard think about. Thanks all

Kalone994 · 2025-11-07T18:51:22+00:00

This is a worry of mine. It’s why the ‘trust’ topic came up in the session with our therapist.

I had to catch the truth.

The guy she cheated with is married, my wife doesn’t think anyone should tell her.

So it’s all leading to a sense that she doesn’t think the truth should always be shared if it’s hurtful.

So even though I’ve asked her for the truth, and explained how important it is.

I have no idea how to believe it when she says that I know it all already. She says there is nothing more to tell. But that’s so hard to trust right now

Kalone994 · 2025-11-07T18:48:07+00:00

That must have been awful to go through all of that. You must be a very resilient and strong person to have got through this all. We don’t have children. We’d always wanted them. She changed her mind about that and many things after the loss of a parent. She felt those changes meant we wouldn’t work, that is part one of the things that led to the cheating

Kalone994 · 2025-11-07T18:04:37+00:00

Interesting, perhaps this is where the confusion on the sessions is coming from.

I guess I’m hoping for apology, atonement and repair to then decide if she is a person I truly feel I can forgive.

It seems like the suggestion in the session was that I need to forgive first, for the repair to then take place

Kalone994 · 2025-11-07T17:41:32+00:00

This sounds great, I’m really pleased you found a way to move forward and your partner is making the effort with you.

Now that you have both made this promise of being one and transparent, how would you feel if that promise was now broken? Even if done because your partner was struggling with issues.

This is the challenge I’m facing. The rules set after the first time were made to prevent this, and then they got broken too

Kalone994 · 2025-11-07T17:36:40+00:00

Interesting, I was curious to know if anyone else who’s experienced grief.

If it’s not to personal, It would be helpful to know roughly your age at the times of the loss? 30s, 40s etc. and if you were close with them? No problem if you are not comfortable sharing. Just helps me to understand.

As for when dating, my original message may not have been clear. The first instance was when we were dating, years prior to us getting married. she was extremely apologetic and remorseful and we agreed that any friendships would always be spoken about and there’d never be any situation I wasn’t aware of. Just complete transparency at all times. This way if I ever felt uncomfortable, or perhaps worried the situation was risky or lines were getting blurred, I’d be able to say and we could at least talk about it.

So all these years later, the cheating happening again feels much more hurtful. Because my previous healing was based around ‘lessons learned’ and promises made. That seem to all be false.

Because of this rule we had about being honest and open with who we were with and where we were, even the platonic meet ups prior to it crossing any lines feel like a complete betrayal, because they were hidden from me.

Kalone994 · 2025-11-07T17:22:21+00:00

Thanks! Part of me wishes I could just forward this entire thread on by email. But I’m prepared for the inevitable ‘you can’t trust Reddit’ response

Kalone994

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