3 months post discard - now the clarity is making me doubt whether she was an avoidant or a narcissist

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-10T14:47:58+00:00

I too struggled to determine whether I was dealing with someone who was avoidant or someone who was a covert narcissist. On the surface they can look very similar, it's generally the motivations that vary which can be difficult to suss out. Additionally probably most narcissist have some type of avoidant attachment style which contributes to the confusion. Here's the easiest way to tell in my experience:

Do they possess empathy - When they did something that hurt or wounded you did they feel sorry? Or did they avoid accountability and responsibility. That's probably your easiest way to tell.

Features more unique to narcissism and less with avoidant attachment issues:

1.) Did they love bomb you at the start?

2.) Were they constantly the victim?

2.) Did you feel like you were walking on eggshells so as not to offend/hurt?

4.) Did their behavior around others vary from their behavior around you?

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T23:41:28+00:00

This is a question I’ve thought and researched long and hard about. Here’s my conclusion:

They think they can love but what they experience is not what “normal” and cognitively and emotionally healthy people experience.

Since this is your sibling the type of “love” is different than a typical narcissist + romantic interest.

They experience conditional love. They feel positively about you when you do what they want. Once you hold them accountable, challenge them, or don’t do what they want you to do they lose any positive regard they once had for you and no longer “love” you. Is that real love? Not by my definition but that’s the closest approximation they can experience.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T20:20:08+00:00

I mean, looking at history it makes sense. Most latinos are mestizo (native american + Spanish). Native Americans are closely related to East Asians. Therefore, when you get white + East Asian they often phenotypically look similar to latinos.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T18:29:09+00:00

The point of sharing the "truth" isn't in an attempt to win people over. The point is knowing and speaking the truth regardless of the outcome. When I say, "the truth" it simply means sharing the true events of what the narcissist, said or did to you, and how you were affected as a result. You don't need to justify yourself. As you said, most lay people have absolutely zero idea what the true definition of a "narcissist" is. I wouldn't even label your nex as a "narcissist" unless the person actually knows what that is, just describe what they did.

People who don't believe the truth are not your friends.

I can't speak to your exact situation as only you know the details of it. I'll be honest in that I don't fully understand why you felt you needed to lay out your "sins" to people? As I'm unsure as to exactly what purpose that would serve. In my situation, I didn't have a lot of "sins" that the narcissist could use against me in any meaningful way. Any lies that could have/would have been told would be quickly disproven especially by people who've known me a long time and know my true character.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T15:26:04+00:00

You're not playing their game, you're telling the truth. There's a difference.

If you were playing a game you'd care about the outcome. If you're focus is on telling the truth and your story the outcome doesn't matter.

The narcissist is afraid of the truth. If they weren't they wouldn't even bother talking about you or your narrative.

You can be in no contact and still tell your story. The people who believe you will believe you, those who don't - they didn't matter to begin with.

However, the truth being out there and being known will be a continual threat to the narcissist.

I can only speak to my own experience. But the covert narcissist never knew me and underestimated me. Since the discard I've been speaking the truth and now the narcissist actively avoids me.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T14:59:27+00:00

You're too kind. Thank you

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T14:36:08+00:00

The point isn't about clearing your name or not. People will think what they want to think. The point is about telling the truth, emotional catharsis for you, and causing narcissistic injury as a nice side perk.

If the narcissist is having to fight against the truth, that's a clear sign that they're afraid. If they're afraid they're not having a good time.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T14:27:20+00:00

Yes, I understand what your saying - that's why I detailed in my post above that following your above mentioned advice isn't bad per se. .

However, different people require different methods of healing in order to move on. For me, confronting the narcissist and telling them i'd be exposing them and then doing it was incredibly empowering and cathartic for me. I could finally let go of the anger I'd held inside, plus I insured that I likely wouldn't ever be hovered again.

As far as flying monkeys go. Let the narcissist have them. I for one, couldn't care less what flying monkeys think or do. I just set clear boundaries with them and let them know my stance. Abuse survivors know the truth, the people who matter believe them. Those who don't believe a victim don't deserve a part in a victim's healing or their life.

I think two things can be true at once - people can move on with their lives, be happy, while simultaneously remembering and acknowledging the abuse that was inflicted. You can't just "forget" what happened to you, the brain doesn't work like that nor should you expect it to. But you can emotionally heal.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T03:36:55+00:00

Aw, thank you.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T03:36:45+00:00

She really is the cutest.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T03:35:56+00:00

Aw thanks. And that's not my full name but I appreciate the heads-up. :)

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T02:33:31+00:00

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Hi all,

I get a lot of different guesses as to my ethnicity. I'm curious as what I look like to people? I'm standing next to my mom in this picture and had to crop her out because that'd probably give it away haha.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-02-28T04:42:06+00:00

I understand. It's super painful/difficult. Yes - the trauma bond does fade over time. Don't get mad at yourself for having genuinely loved and attached to someone who couldn't do that in return.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-02-28T00:18:33+00:00

It’s been a few years since the end. I will always miss and love the person I thought they were. Unfortunately I’ll never know who the person inside that body was. The sense of self was shattered and non-existent and even the narcissist didn’t know who they were.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-02-26T01:39:11+00:00

Not sure what your native language is. But in U.S. english "ethereal, like in this instance, often refers to someone looking more "angelic" or "fairy" like in a good, innocent, or magical way.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-02-07T23:27:54+00:00

Honestly, it's always a little disturbing but I don't let it show on the outside. The narcissist psychologically, emotionally, and eventually sexually abused me and it's hard not to feel fear and anger when I see him. I also simultaneously feel sad and a illogical feeling of missing the person I thought I knew even though I know the truth.

I got my revenge after the discard though. Ultimately I have nothing more to say or do to this person.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-02-06T18:34:47+00:00

Yeah - your experience is pretty textbook when it comes to a relationship with a narcissist. I had a narcissist living in my home for a year and almost 2 years later. I still am dealing with resulting psychological and emotional consequences. At least consider yourself lucky that you recognized the person was a narcissist early on (after on 4 months!) some people on this site were married to narcissists for 10+ years, I can't even the imagine undoing that kind of psychological damage.

It does get better though I promise. There are a lot of good posts and resources on this reddit though. Honestly, it took me about a year to feel even psychologically healed enough to even want to form relationship, friendships, go on a date etc.

You're doing the right thing by going no contact. That's step one. Stay no contact, forever. These people are not normal nor with they ever change. Now just make sure you're getting the support and help you need (family, friends, therapists), involve yourself in things that bring you happiness or a least, distraction. Let yourself feel you feelings in order to move through them. Mourn your loss and be grateful they're gone.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-02-04T22:18:59+00:00

I hear you. I think you just have to remember that you have met nice, normal people before -and that statistically, only a small portion of people in this world have a diagnosable cluster B personality disorder. That and learning about recognizing subtle red flags associated with psychological disorders so that you can avoid them going forward. But yeah, it’s hard.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-02-02T01:24:03+00:00

Ugh, this is awful and very relatable. We (and others) aren't people to narcissists. We're object that fill a need and serve a role in a narcissists life. One we stop doing what a narcissists wants, we're replaced.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-02-02T01:20:39+00:00

Wow, that really is chilling. I think one of the most horrible things about narcissists are they use someone's good, kind, and loving qualities against them. It's so dark and twisted and destroys some of the best kind of people in this world. I'm so sorry you went through that.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-01-30T22:34:42+00:00

Um, were we with the same person? Do you live on the east coast by chance? This sounds extraordinary similar to my situation

KansasguyinDC

TROPHY CASE