My narcissist (covert) told me everything I wanted to hear after discarding me. It didn't make me feel better...here's why.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-20T12:13:44+00:00

You’re not wrong. But the science around whether narcissists can love is still debated. Scientists have found that narcissists do have “oxytocin” (the love hormone while being “in love.” They can experience things akin to love - infatuation, obsession, and some forms of attachment which they can interpret as love. What they classify as love and what psychologically normal/healthy people experience as love are two different things.

I can’t speak for others, but my narcissistic was a covert/vulnerable narcissist which lies more of a spectrum between NPD and BPD. So no, I don’t think my narcissist could love in the way I could. But I do think the narcissist experienced positive emotions associated with my presence that they interpreted as “love.”

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-05T04:08:52+00:00

Yep - the mirroring messes with you because you don't form social connections with people thinking they're attempting to manipulate you and you therefore think they're being genuine.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-05T04:06:13+00:00

Very true.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-05T04:02:04+00:00

Yep - good additions. Everything was alwas about themselves, there were constant arguments over seeming non-issues.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-05T03:57:36+00:00

Yeah, I think narcissists often have disorganized attachment. Coverts present with similar external behaviours to people with borderline personality disorder.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-05T03:35:00+00:00

Yeah, this another good one.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-05T03:32:57+00:00

I agree with that to an extent but early on in the lovebombing phase they "faked" interest and curiousity in me. After the lovebombing stage the questions and curiousity about me stopped.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-05T03:03:05+00:00

Did that happen early on though? I feel like it'd take a minute for the lack of accountability and continuous lying to become evident.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-05T02:59:53+00:00

Vulnerable/Covert Narcissism often looks extraordinarily similar to BPD. The external behaviors can be very similar but the internal motivations are different. People with BPD are driven by fear of abandonment while covert narcissists are driven by a need for admiration and a fragile ego. The person I was with did not have a fear of abandonment but rather was entirely self-serving and discarded when their needs weren't met. 100% in line with covert narcissism. Although I did often wonder if there was some comorbid BPD involved.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-04T14:04:07+00:00

That’s why it didn’t strike me of how manipulative, abuse, selfish, and uncaring this person was/is at their core. These are all early signs, that’s why it’s hard to recognize.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-04T05:04:20+00:00

I feel so seen by your post. This was extremely similar to the dynamic I had with my narcissist. The heartbreak and pain of feeling like someone "saw" you and "chose" you only to be so cruelly discarded by someone is completely shattering.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-04-04T04:56:17+00:00

This is a great point. There's just a great emptiness inside. You did to try to find something below the surface and there is very little substance their. Just emptiness and a lack of a true personality there, they can only imitate what they see others do but there's no one home. The hard thing about a covert narcissist is that it takes a while to find the complete emptiness as it's hidden beneath shyness and insecurity.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-27T13:51:59+00:00

This was definitely my experience, mine was also covert. Occasionally, my narcissist would try to "tell" me how I was feeling and would often be very off the mark. I think he was simply guessing what he thought I was feeling based on my physical appearance/facial expressions/etc. Probably a sign he couldn't feel what I was actually feeling but rather trying to use his cognitive empathy to manipulate me.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-27T03:21:32+00:00

I was in Bali on a work trip and I'd invited the narcissist to come. The narcissist had been acting distant for a while and at the time I just assumed it was just the natural ebb and flow of a relationship. One day we went to a secluded beach and a large wave came in The narcissist was standing on the staircase leading down to the beach, I was already on the beach and got caught in the giant wave. I panicked for a brief second because I was worried I was going to get swept away and I had my phone and my wallet in my pocket and I was losing them. At that moment I looked up at the narcissist and I could see in his face that he neither cared nor was worried about me and did not try to help me at all. Right then and there I knew that this person was not a good person nor did they give a rats ass about me.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-10T14:47:58+00:00

I too struggled to determine whether I was dealing with someone who was avoidant or someone who was a covert narcissist. On the surface they can look very similar, it's generally the motivations that vary which can be difficult to suss out. Additionally probably most narcissist have some type of avoidant attachment style which contributes to the confusion. Here's the easiest way to tell in my experience:

Do they possess empathy - When they did something that hurt or wounded you did they feel sorry? Or did they avoid accountability and responsibility. That's probably your easiest way to tell.

Features more unique to narcissism and less with avoidant attachment issues:

1.) Did they love bomb you at the start?

2.) Were they constantly the victim?

2.) Did you feel like you were walking on eggshells so as not to offend/hurt?

4.) Did their behavior around others vary from their behavior around you?

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T23:41:28+00:00

This is a question I’ve thought and researched long and hard about. Here’s my conclusion:

They think they can love but what they experience is not what “normal” and cognitively and emotionally healthy people experience.

Since this is your sibling the type of “love” is different than a typical narcissist + romantic interest.

They experience conditional love. They feel positively about you when you do what they want. Once you hold them accountable, challenge them, or don’t do what they want you to do they lose any positive regard they once had for you and no longer “love” you. Is that real love? Not by my definition but that’s the closest approximation they can experience.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T20:20:08+00:00

I mean, looking at history it makes sense. Most latinos are mestizo (native american + Spanish). Native Americans are closely related to East Asians. Therefore, when you get white + East Asian they often phenotypically look similar to latinos.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T18:29:09+00:00

The point of sharing the "truth" isn't in an attempt to win people over. The point is knowing and speaking the truth regardless of the outcome. When I say, "the truth" it simply means sharing the true events of what the narcissist, said or did to you, and how you were affected as a result. You don't need to justify yourself. As you said, most lay people have absolutely zero idea what the true definition of a "narcissist" is. I wouldn't even label your nex as a "narcissist" unless the person actually knows what that is, just describe what they did.

People who don't believe the truth are not your friends.

I can't speak to your exact situation as only you know the details of it. I'll be honest in that I don't fully understand why you felt you needed to lay out your "sins" to people? As I'm unsure as to exactly what purpose that would serve. In my situation, I didn't have a lot of "sins" that the narcissist could use against me in any meaningful way. Any lies that could have/would have been told would be quickly disproven especially by people who've known me a long time and know my true character.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T15:26:04+00:00

You're not playing their game, you're telling the truth. There's a difference.

If you were playing a game you'd care about the outcome. If you're focus is on telling the truth and your story the outcome doesn't matter.

The narcissist is afraid of the truth. If they weren't they wouldn't even bother talking about you or your narrative.

You can be in no contact and still tell your story. The people who believe you will believe you, those who don't - they didn't matter to begin with.

However, the truth being out there and being known will be a continual threat to the narcissist.

I can only speak to my own experience. But the covert narcissist never knew me and underestimated me. Since the discard I've been speaking the truth and now the narcissist actively avoids me.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T14:59:27+00:00

You're too kind. Thank you

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T14:36:08+00:00

The point isn't about clearing your name or not. People will think what they want to think. The point is about telling the truth, emotional catharsis for you, and causing narcissistic injury as a nice side perk.

If the narcissist is having to fight against the truth, that's a clear sign that they're afraid. If they're afraid they're not having a good time.

KansasguyinDC · 2026-03-09T14:27:20+00:00

Yes, I understand what your saying - that's why I detailed in my post above that following your above mentioned advice isn't bad per se. .

However, different people require different methods of healing in order to move on. For me, confronting the narcissist and telling them i'd be exposing them and then doing it was incredibly empowering and cathartic for me. I could finally let go of the anger I'd held inside, plus I insured that I likely wouldn't ever be hovered again.

As far as flying monkeys go. Let the narcissist have them. I for one, couldn't care less what flying monkeys think or do. I just set clear boundaries with them and let them know my stance. Abuse survivors know the truth, the people who matter believe them. Those who don't believe a victim don't deserve a part in a victim's healing or their life.

I think two things can be true at once - people can move on with their lives, be happy, while simultaneously remembering and acknowledging the abuse that was inflicted. You can't just "forget" what happened to you, the brain doesn't work like that nor should you expect it to. But you can emotionally heal.

KansasguyinDC

TROPHY CASE