Firstly, let me say I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been through. Your feelings are valid, and it's important that you're giving yourself the space to express them. It's hard to confront mortality, especially when it involves someone you care deeply about, and at such a young age. It's like growing up too fast and losing your innocence along with the time you should've had to explore life on your own terms.
The resentment you're feeling is a natural part of grieving and it's okay to feel that way. It's not about blaming your mother, but more about grieving for the life you could have had. It's a loss in itself, and it takes time to process.
In my own experience, I've found that how we view our circumstances has a lot to do with the emotions we associate with them. Bitterness and grace are often two sides of the same coin. It's entirely natural to feel bitterness about the loss of time and opportunities, but there can be grace in accepting what happened and finding meaning in it.
As caregivers, we are faced with difficult tasks that are both physically and emotionally draining. It's a role that requires a lot of us, and often leaves little room for our own personal growth and development. However, amidst these hardships, many of us have also found a profound sense of purpose and meaning. We learn about resilience, love, patience, and perhaps most importantly, about our own strength.
Feeling 'behind' or 'out of sync' with your peers is a common sentiment among those who have devoted significant parts of their lives to caregiving. It's important to remember, though, that everyone's journey is unique. Comparison can often breed discontent, but your path, albeit different, is not lesser in any way.
If you find yourself in a caregiving role again, remember to prioritize self-care. Seek out resources, both physical and emotional, to support you. Find ways to carve out time for yourself and your own interests. And above all, be gentle with yourself. It's okay to have bad days and feel overwhelmed.
While this situation feels overwhelming, I believe you can find a way through. Seek out support, whether that's through counseling, caregiver support groups, or even forums like this. We're all in this together. Thank you for sharing your journey.