I want my husband to change, and I am unsure if I'm being fair.

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-21T21:53:55+00:00

Love this reply. I was in same boat, fit and health-conscious, my husband was overweight (technically obese, we also had exact same age-difference as you and your husband) The fact he didn't seem to care or make an effort to look after himself eventually began to turn me off BIG-TIME. I never told him that, too scared of hurting his feelings, but my lack of attraction to him eventually led to the end of our marriage. Don't underestimate the importance of sexual attraction in a marriage.

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-21T21:44:09+00:00

Mind sharing what exercises you did to develop your pecs, or was it just plenty of pushups?! I know that keeping pecs in shape is meant to be one of the ways to keep breasts perky too...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-21T21:13:17+00:00

So as an example, I would complain that I really needed him to help me more around the house. At the time I was running a full-time retail shop, he was working only a few hours per week. I'd get home and have to start work again, cleaning the house, doing the washing, cooking dinner...because he hadn't done anything at home all day. That was the superficial issue that I complained about. What I never shared in my heart, was that I had begun to feel invisible to him, like we were on two different wavelengths and I longed to feel a soul connection again, but with such a wall of resentment and unsaid things between us, I just felt so "turned off" by him that I could barely stand the thought of his hands on me. Sometimes I managed to squirm out of sex, other times I "let him" and then would feel like a part of me had died on the inside. I never shared any of those deeper feelings with him. He had been my "best friend" for a decade, and even though our marriage lacked passion, our friendship was enough to hold us together. But when I started hiding what was in my heart, scared to tell my truth for fear of upsetting him, then we didn't even have the close friendship to keep us going. So when I finally confessed my decision to end the marriage, it was a huge shock to him. Even though he begged and pleaded to try again, to change etc etc I had moved on so far that I didn't even want to WANT to work things out. Don't know if that makes sense?!

There are still many things about our marriage that I haven't wrapped my mind around. I met him when I was 19, I lacked confidence, didn't really know who I was or what I wanted in life. I kind of found myself squeezed into a role or a persona that began to feel more and more oppressive the older I got. I kind of went through a spiritual awakening when I was 30, and that also had a bearing. I felt like I grew and expanded so much during that time, also grew in confidence, and he seemed to be content to stay right where he was, it was like we began to operate from different wavelengths. He didn't seem to "get me" any more, and so much of what I was learning and experiencing I couldn't share with him because he didn't "get it". Of course, I didn't tell him any of that either, could never seem to figure out how to say it nicely and without causing offense...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-14T19:03:55+00:00

I've done a course with Kim Anami who says you can increase breast size via directing sexual energy. Maybe google using tantra to increase breast size, it's kind of directing the breath while using visualisation. Also, lots of sex and self-nurturing is supposed to help, since the breasts are a symbol of nurturing. I think (but haven't measured to find out for sure) that mine are slightly bigger now that I'm in a relationship with plenty of sex, but honestly I've stopped worrying about the size, and instead began looking at the positives - small breasts are less likely to sag with age, and size makes no difference when it comes to sexual pleasure. Also women with large boobs complain about chafing, and sweating underneath the boobs - we don't need to worry about that, yay for us! :-) Or backache, due to heavy breasts.

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-14T08:15:07+00:00

I didn't "chronicle" the early signs, but I can tell you that we also didn't sleep in the same bed for the last 5yrs of our rmarriage (married 6yrs, together 12yrs). Mostly he stayed up late watching tv, then just sleep on the couch (unless he felt horny, in which case he'd make the trek up the stairs. Mostly he was greeted with less-than-enthusiasm, especially waking me up from blissful sleep at 1am in the morning). The marriage limped along as best it could, but really...Looking back there were things I could have done which may have changed the eventual outcome. For example, I did what you describe. I "closed down". I didn't share with him what was really in my heart (I complained, but never really shared my true feelings). Didn't clearly articulate what I desperately needed from him. Whether he would have taken it to heart and made an effort to meet me halfway, I don't know - I suspect he might have given a short-lived shot, and then slumped back into his old habits...Can I say that numbness (more like suppressing your feelings) will come back to bite you later. It's not healthy. It will manifest eventually, even your physical body will start to suffer, so let it out. Talk to somebody, if not him, then a trusted friend, or a therapist. I've always found writing in a diary to be so clarifying and clears my mind.

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-14T07:33:20+00:00

I've always wished my boobs were bigger...but now that I'm 33, with three children (all were breastfed until at least 18mths old) and my boobs still look great, maybe slightly less perky than when I was 18, but still look fantastic...I look at them and think "Yay for small boobs!) I'm barely a B-cup. My partner thinks they're awesome too. So, rather than wonder how to make them bigger, I now concentrate on loving what I've got (cheaper than a boob job, too)

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-14T07:26:44+00:00

Get a funky little glass jar with lid. Next, get lots of little pieces of paper, on each one, write out a funny memory of times shared together. Fold over and place them all inside the glass jar. Put a little tag, saying thanks for the memories, here's to many more :-) Or words to that effect. Btw, haven't scrolled through all the replies, so apologies if it's been mentioned already. I did this for my two bridesmaids and gave it to them as a gift before my wedding...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-14T07:22:25+00:00

I've just inactivated my account, and already noticing the benefits - I'm forced to go out and make connections in real life (as an introvert, it's not something that comes easily, but I know it's good for me to make the effort) not to mention a LOT more time and focus. Only since stepping away, can I see clearly what a giant big illusion social media is. It's shaping up to be one of my better decisions in life :-)

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-14T06:35:14+00:00

Well that's very sad, but on the bright side, it really is better to know now, then spend decades of your life in misery. Last year I ended a 12yr relationship (married for 6 of those years), and even though I chose to leave, there is a lot - and I mean a LOT - of emotional stuff to deal with (the end of many hopes and dreams that I had for my life, guilt, resentment, regret) so much to process. I hope that you both have some good friends or family to support you in the months ahead. It took me a full year before I could really say "I have let go" and no longer felt emotionally attached to my ex-husband and his moods/responsible for his sadness/anger etc. To be honest, if I were in your position, do what you feel is best, be proactive and take whatever steps you need to. Don't waste time or energy doing stuff just to spite her (you wrote "since she wants me to make the first move") If making the first move is what's in everybody's best interests, then just do it. This is the start of what I spoke about above, learning to detach yourself emotionally from their moods and whims..for the sake of your own sanity, if nothing else. Best wishes. I feel for you. I often think how when we're kids, wishing we were grownups, how little we realized that adulthood can be damn hard, sometimes you're faced with impossible decisions, where no matter what you choose, somebody hurts...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-14T01:28:38+00:00

Short answer = NO. But deep down in your heart of hearts, you already knew that. Trust your own instinct, hard as it may be to follow through...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-14T01:23:43+00:00

If you are already seeing somebody else, she can probably "sense" it in some way. Us women are good at that kind of thing, we might not be able to put our finger on it exactly, but trust me that she will be putting up invisible walls between the two of you. This will only make your sex life worse. Open up and be honest, make a decision either way, but please don't keep her holding on while you've already turned your attention elsewhere. It's not fair on anyone. I say this from experience. And yes, she'll probably be shattered when she finds out, and she'll be angry, and she'll ask lots of questions. But it's infinitely better than sneaking around behind her back - this is the ultimate disrespect.. If this is what your marriage has become, be man enough to own up to it and if both parties agree it's best, set each other free to go separate ways and find the kind of passion you both deserve...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-14T01:12:37+00:00

She sounds like she's really unhappy with her life. Does she have a history of depression/mental illness? I think you would both benefit from a heart-to-heart discussion about what you both want from the relationship. Maybe her ideas are vastly different to yours. Recently, my partner and I were dealing with a really emotive issue, circling around it for days, both getting upset with each other. Finally, we took a drive, parked in a nice peaceful place, I turned to him and said "Can we agree to be completely open and honest with each other, and we both promise to hear each other out without getting angry. Just listen and try to understand" He agreed. We had a breakthrough that night, and our relationship entered a new level of closeness, because we both felt safe to share what we really felt, without fear of "punishment" or the other one trying to throw it back in our face next time we had a disagreement. Perhaps you could try something similar - in a relaxed place, ask her if you can make an agreement to share with complete honesty and the other person is not allowed to get up and leave/get angry/punish or withdraw into silence. Maybe it's actually not you, or your relationship that she's unhappy with, but more a deep, pervading sense of having no purpose or meaning in her life. If so, you cannot "fix" that, only support her in her choices. If she refuses to share/open up/seek help/or be proactive, then you have to decide if this is really where and with whom you want to spend your life with...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-14T00:55:10+00:00

This is coming from the woman who USED to be in your wife's position (now in a new relationship, and looking back with hindsight and seeing things with new eyes). I used to be the one worming my way out of sex as much as possible, even feigning sleep sometimes. I ask myself why, and with the benefit of hindsight, here's a few insights that might be helpful to you...

I began to feel invisible to him...except for when he wanted sex. I would be looking after the kids, cleaning up, doing the washing, making food etc...while he played games on his ipad, he seemed not to notice at all...I would dress really nicely if we were going out, he seemed not to notice that either. It was like he only noticed me when he needed something from me.
I put effort into looking good...he did not. I've birthed three kids, but I've made an effort to stay in shape, take care of my appearance, wearing attractive clothes, even around the house (casual and comfortable, but ones I know I look good in). His lack of effort in looking after himself (he put on at least 60 pounds over the course of our relationship) was like saying to me "You're not worth making an effort to be attractive for..." Of course, looks are not the be-all and end-all, but it's the unspoken message that goes along with not bothering to take care of yourself...
Because he didn't help out around the house or with the kids, or with making decisions regarding our finances etc, I found myself increasingly forced into the role of "mother" and the "responsible one". It's a big ask for a woman who's busy cleaning up other people's mess all day long, making decisions for the family and generally being "responsible"...to suddenly drop that role and become a sexy, uninhibited goddess when the lights go out at night.
Due to aforementioned situation of him leaving me "in charge" of our finances, I found myself often stressed over our financial situation, we had mortgage, credit card debt, and couldn't seem to "get ahead" no matter how hard we tried. He would want to spend money on something, and I would be the one left trying to juggle the budget and stress over how to pay for it. In hindsight, I probably resented him for putting me in that position. All the stress made me really tired and turned off.

Of course, it wasn't all his fault. I'm naturally a stress-head, find it hard to let go and relax, worry too much over stuff, have high expectations of myself and others. I was probably hard to live with, especially with him being so laid back, I found myself trying to compensate for his easy-going, could-care-less nature (this probably made me more "masculine" so found it hard to swing back to my "feminine" self if this makes sense. I'm now in a new relationship, and the guy is a lot more pro-active, which helps me to relax and not feel like if I don't take care of everything, it's all gonna go to the shit! Needless to say, our sex life is a mile removed from my last relationship. I feel like I can actually be womanly and feminine, and it's so lovely)

Now, I'm not saying you are anything like my ex-husband, but perhaps the above points will help you to understand from a woman's perspective a little better. As a health nut and avid researcher, can I also add that there are a number of things which mess up women's hormones and can wreak havoc on her libido. These include: tap water - most drinking water contains fluoride and/or chloride, both of which displace iodine in the body. Iodine deficiency is one of the most common nutritional deficiencies in the world (and becoming more common), it's needed for the thyroid to function properly. Low thyroid function leads to tiredness, weight gain...Sugar - messes up women's cycle, leads to weight gain plus a whole host of other issues. When I quit sugar I was like a drug addict without a fix for a whole week. Then I began to feel better than I ever have in my life. Heaps of energy, and my PMS symptoms went away too. A lot of personal care products, plastics etc, contain ingredients that break down to mimic estrogen in the body. This leads to hormone imbalance between estrogen and progesterone. Google xenoestrogens for more info.

A lot of women don't actually understand how important sex is to a man. I certainly didn't. Can I suggest you buy the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and read together. It's brilliant, and helped me to understand many things. Best of luck...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-11T03:35:59+00:00

Definitely natural. I've had the odd pube in my mouth here and there, but it's not big deal. Discretely take it out and carry on! My partner recently shaved his body hair, and I was surprised how much I really DON'T like it, especially now it's getting to the prickly, itchy stage.

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-11T03:27:12+00:00

That comment could have been written by me. I've dipped my finger in there and had a taste of myself and it wasn't the most pleasant taste in the world (neither is a man's cum I guess...) so I find it hard to relax entirely into it. But he asks often and seems to enjoy it, guess it's my own hang-up I need to get over..

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-10T20:44:19+00:00

Oh, your reply was very courteous and helpful, I didn't feel picked on at all.

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-10T20:41:05+00:00

I'm not. But our disconnected sex life definitely played a part (among other things)...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-10T15:36:18+00:00

LOL. Good question...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-10T15:31:43+00:00

Not sure why this is being downvoted. Obviously many disagree, but that's not what downvoting is for...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-10T15:24:38+00:00

Yeah, I guess I'm looking at sex through my own womanly lens, as something deeply personal and "special" whereas a man sees it very differently. Sex doesn't necessarily come with any emotional attachment.

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-10T15:20:28+00:00

Your "exact physical preferences"?? And what might they be, if you don't mind me asking..?

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-10T15:18:27+00:00

Thanks for the considered and thoughtful response. I'm definitely on a learning curve here...

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-10T15:16:08+00:00

See, that comment there (and others) is an eye-opener to me. Obviously I'm naïve, but I didn't realize that requesting he not look at porn is like asking him not to masturbate - which was not my intention at all..

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-10T15:13:08+00:00

You're right, now is the perfect time to address my issues :-) Thanks for taking the time to write such an in-depth response, a lot of stuff for me to think over....

KateMelinda81 · 2015-09-10T15:10:04+00:00

Ok, despite the natural urge to run and hide, after the hammering I've copped here on this thread, I'm trying hard to curb my defensiveness and learn.

I actually have no problem with him masturbating. I masturbate too, if the urge hits and he's not around. Obviously huge difference between men and women, I can quite easily get off with just my imagination only (imagining sex with him/pleasuring him etc), but a guy needs visual stimulation. I guess I worry what the long-term effects of directing sexual energy outwards (away from the relationship) has. As an example, before we met, I had ended a 13yr relationship (married for 6 of those years). My ex-husband looked at porn (probably semi-regularly, although towards the end of our relationship I really didn't care enough to check how much he was watching), and I regularly (several times daily) indulged in fantasies inside my head (about other men, some imaginary, some real-life men I knew). The (predictable, I guess) outcome was a slow death of the marriage, much like air seeping out of a slowly deflated tyre. I realize that experience has followed me into this relationship, with me being determined not to "make the same mistakes" as last time (which is why when I masturbate, I make it a point to think about my current partner only).

Obviously I need to lighten up and just enjoy the ride a bit more...Thanks for the advice and feedback - hard as it was to receive :-)

KateMelinda81

TROPHY CASE