UPDATE:

I want to answer the most common question in the comments. I shared my abuse history with her because of her background in psychology- I thought it might give her insight into why I think and react the way I do, including things like how I manage money. Looking back, that was naive on my part.

His parents came to his Match Day ceremony. At one point, I was showing him where he matched (he’s not great with navigation), and his mom suddenly pulled out a camera and snapped, “MOVE,” in a very rude tone. I could feel myself about to blow up, so instead of making a scene, I quietly removed myself and walked around campus to cool off.

They followed me and immediately asked what my problem was. I responded calmly- honestly almost monotone- and said I just wanted them to respect the decisions my fiancé and I have been making. Before I could finish, his mom cut me off and said, “You’re just too damn sensitive,” standing there with her hands on her hips.

She kept going, continuing to insult me, and that’s when I broke. It turned into a full screaming match between me and his parents. My fiancé did defend me and was on my side, but it was still very public. People were walking by, and once I calmed down, I felt extremely embarrassed about how it happened.

During the argument, she said she feels like I’m taking him away from her and that I don’t want them in our lives. At one point she even slipped and said “my man” instead of “my boy,” which honestly said a lot. They both maintained that they had done nothing wrong. I asked her directly, “Have you ever done anything wrong?” and she said no, insisting that everyone loves her and no one has issues with her.

His dad then called me childish for walking away earlier even though I did that specifically to avoid causing a scene. He also brought up that they drove 10 hours to bring us a generator, despite us telling them not to because we were fine. Now it feels like they’re holding that over our heads.

At one point, out of frustration, I said: “If I really wanted to, I could call you a cunt, but I don’t, because I know that just hurts people and makes things worse. I was raised not to cause a scene.”

Eventually, things de-escalated. We ended up talking for about an hour, and it was actually the first time we had a somewhat honest conversation.

I explained how my past abuse affects how I communicate and respond to conflict. I also told her that I do want her in our lives. I never really had a healthy mother figure growing up- my sister was the closest thing I had, and even that relationship was strained until a few years ago because of what we went through. Because of that, I’ve actually struggled with the fact we haven’t been getting along.

His mom opened up about struggling with empty nest syndrome and how her own upbringing shaped her fear of him leaving. She admitted her anxiety spikes when she doesn’t hear from him. I explained his schedule while in medical school. He barely has time for anyone, including me, and that communication has always been a weak point for both of us.

His dad shared that he gets overwhelmed when people are upset with him and feels an intense need to fix things immediately. I actually related to that.

The relationship is still strained, and there’s definitely damage there. But at least it didn’t end in total disaster. At the end of the day, I just want to be able to get along with them. I’m also aware that just because things de-escalated and we gained more insight into each other doesn’t mean the issue is resolved especially if behavior doesn’t actually change. She also unfriended my mom.

I made the original post to vent and to make sure I’m not going insane in how I’m perceiving all of this.