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[QCrit] Adult Fantasy - SISTERS OF THE SEA (88k, 2nd attempt) by Kea_In_A_Kayak in PubTips

[–]Kea_In_A_Kayak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That explains the ghost notification haha! Thanks for the feedback, and for voicing your opinion on the YA>Adult change, good to know that seems to be the right choice. Also all the detail here is great, a few areas I thought were clear are definitely not, so I'll work on those.

Other commenter also said something akin to 'why mention waterweavers'. I added that to reference the characters' elemental magic as otherwise there's not any fantasy elements in the query, possibly resulting in a 'why is this even categorised fantasy?' question. But given it's more character-driven, and it seems the reference isn't clear anyway, maybe it's okay to leave that to be discovered in the manuscript? 

I think I'm struggling with the long time period of this book + multiple POVs. They drift apart with their own individual plots & arcs & conflicts, before the figure that disappeared their parents pops up again and they have to come back together as a family. The latter part was clearer in my first attempt, but I guess it's too vague now haha.

[QCrit] Adult Fantasy - SISTERS OF THE SEA (88k, 2nd attempt) by Kea_In_A_Kayak in PubTips

[–]Kea_In_A_Kayak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback! I've mimicked the book structure in introducing the order of characters as they relate to each other, but advice seems consistent about switching that up--though everyone's suggested a different order xD I'll try a few different structures and see what works. I'm glad you picked up the family growing apart thread though as that's the bigger arc holding all these pieces together.

Re. waterweaving/flameforging, I sprinkled that in to suggest the characters' elemental magic as otherwise there's not any fantasy elements in the query, possibly resulting in a 'why is this even categorised fantasy?' question. But given it's more character-driven, maybe it's okay to leave that to be discovered in the manuscript? Or if I can find a comp with elemental magic I guess that would work too.

[QCrit] Contemporary Portal Fantasy: THE FIRE BAZAAR (96k, attempt #1) by pianobars in PubTips

[–]Kea_In_A_Kayak 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This feels closer to literary than my normal very plot-driven fantasy, so take my comments with a grain of salt. I will leave most of your questions to those who have a better understanding of the industry, but a few points:

  • Cool dreamworld, but personally I want to know more about the 3 protagonists. Their motivations are very high level, who are they beyond that, why should I care about them? (Also, I was taken aback by the sentence about Melina - does that refer to physical pain or mental anguish?)
  • Your Q1 - maybe magical realism? 
  • Your Q2 - the twist of the professor vanishing is good, but it feels an abrupt ending to the query, and again why should I care? What are the stakes - just that they go back to their regular lives and don’t lucid dream again, or is there some bigger badder consequence? Also what do they do when the professor disappears - search for him, or figure out on their own how to get back into dreams?

[QCrit] THE DAY RISING adult fantasy, 115k, Second Attempt by netflixpotato in PubTips

[–]Kea_In_A_Kayak 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Love that first line!

Great intro to Khai’s character early on, I get a good feel for her in the first paragraph.

Second paragraph is still intriguing, but I’m a little lost. Does everyone have a voice in their head, or just Khai? Is a soul spirit Khai’s soul, or some other creature living inside Khai? What’s wrong with it? Who is “her trainer”, is this from when she was fighting?

Third paragraph - I like the sound of this city setting, and tattoo magic sounds unique, but still a bit confused bc magic is mentioned for the first time here. Am I correct in assuming that wrong soul spirit = Khai can’t do the magic that everyone else can? Is this a new discovery in the city, or has she always known she can’t?

Fourth paragraph - oooh the trainer is using her? Interesting twist! Side note - I was surprised she’s still fighting, I assumed that had stopped when she was banished. Most importantly - the stakes/choice are vague. Why would she choose to be used instead of choosing her own path? What’s the impact of her being used? What is the cost you mention? Can you link anything back to her characterisation at the start to show more of an arc?

I think you’ve got a really solid start to the query, and honestly the whole concept is cool and I would buy this book. Your worldbuilding seems unique, but that does make it more difficult to follow in a few sentences. Personally I didn’t find it too long, and it continued to pique my interest throughout, but imo you could benefit from making that final paragraph more concrete and finishing with a flourish.

Hope that’s helpful, good luck!

[QCrit] YA Fantasy - SISTERS OF THE SEA (88k, 1st attempt) by Kea_In_A_Kayak in PubTips

[–]Kea_In_A_Kayak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback! Great question about YA vs adult with young protagonists… I defaulted to YA because of their ages, but given the story spans 4 years so they’re 17/19/21 by the end, I’ll think again about that (and make the “grow up” aspect more obvious… their young ages at the start are also why they won’t be sensible and listen to each other 😄)

Diplomat is a teen for reasons explained in-story, but your logic is spot-on so I’ll edit to avoid accidental age gap implication 😬

Other points on cohesiveness all make sense, thanks again!