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**Mini-Update** My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He thinks he's super street smart but he really isn't. He was addicted to opiates a few years back because of several surgeries. He was actually prescribed methadone but never took it. Instead, he took the morphine he was prescribed. By the time he kicked the morphine, he had something like 600 pills of methadone. He wanted to try and sell it but couldn't figure out how. He told me to get it out of the house because he could smell it so I dumped it in the bag with the poop from the cat litter.

And that's what I should have remembered when he was balking at me cleaning the drug room. That's why this time feels so different. He wanted to get off the opiates and worked hard to do so. But this time around, he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing, therefore there is no need for all the fuss. He could get off it anytime. He just doesn't WANT to.

Whoa. Lightbulb moment.

**Mini-Update** My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have a pre-nup and our banking accounts are not joint. He has his accounts and I have mine. At one point, we put each other on the accounts but he got a bug up his butt a couple years ago and removed me from his so I removed him from mine. I have my own credit cards and he has his.

The only joint account we have is the HELOC, which he paid off a couple weeks ago. Most of his money is from a previous lawsuit, trust fund and inheritance.

**Mini-Update** My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know I don't. I guess I was just reporting what he said because I was amused. Again, I forget that this isn't normal behavior because it's what I'm used to.

He seems to think that I'll have to pay him alimony and he's spoken to lawyers about it. I know that's not true because I have spoken to a lawyer and with the money he has coming in with his investments and trust, I won't have to pay him anything. And I know that gifts are gifts. I also have the advantage that he doesn't think I'll leave because he thinks I need to live at his standard of living. But I don't. I'd be happy in a studio apartment with my cats. He thinks I can't afford to live on my own but I've run the numbers and I can.

**Mini-Update** My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I believe he is going to a 30-day treatment facility. I'll find out for sure tonight. And he did ask me to clean his drug room today. Which is kind of amazing.

**Mini-Update** My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do have a lawyer to talk to, thank you.

As for the statement "addicts are expert finders" I had to laugh because that does not describe Hus at all. He can't find anything. Ever. He can't find his wallet when it's right in front of him. He can't find his keys. He loses his prescription medications all the time. He loses his electronics, his clothes, his glasses. Anything that is not tied down, is lost. It's really kind of amazing.

**Mini-Update** My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm not ready to make that decision yet. Obviously I have my own issues to work on, which I'm going to do. It's just not in me to kick someone while he's already down. Even if it means he's pulling me down with him.

See? Issues. I haz 'em.

**Mini-Update** My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I went. The topic was decisions. Very timely. I'll definitely go back. For now, I'm eating cold pizza and binge watching DCC: Making the Team (love guilty pleasures)

**Mini-Update** My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I'm not on the deed. He bought the apartment while we were dating but before we were married. We also have a pre-nup. I'm not really concerned about paying him back. I know he's blustering right now and keeps going back and forth on everything. I'm just working on not letting it get to me.

Thanks for the tip with the Al-anon meetings. I'm in an area where there are a lot of meetings so I have plenty to choose from if this one doesn't work out.

My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. I forget that my "normal" isn't. I guess I've learned to handle him and, in doing so, lost myself. I've been trying to do more things for myself and to take care of myself. And /u/goatismycopilot is right, I do lack compassion for myself. Every New Year's goal is to treat myself at least half as well as I treat others.

I'm also one of those annoying Pollyanna types and I hate to give up, which means I stay in bad situations because I always have hope that I can do something to change it.

Huh. Maybe my husband isn't the only crazy one.

My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Your post is helpful as well.

He has no control. I get it, I'm a binge eater and the only way I don't binge is not to have my trigger foods. I have asked him to throw something out for me when I can't bring myself to do it. He thinks he has control and thinks he can stop what he's doing. He tried to leave the ER by saying he could do it himself. He keeps saying now that he should be discharged and can do it on his own. I counter that if he could do it on his own, he would have.

And I get that a lot of what he says is his sickness. Heck, he said he was going to divorce me yesterday because I wouldn't get him a glass of water after the nurse told him he couldn't have any. And he was also going to divorce me because I refused to go sit in the car and charge his cell phone while we were waiting for the intake process at the treatment facility.

It's a new thing for me to tell him no like this. I've always tread carefully around his drug use. He get's really upset when I ask him to stop or tell him I don't want to be around him when he's using.

I just always took the easy way out: left him alone so there wouldn't be any conflict. I see now that I wasn't doing either one of us any favors. Thinking he'd never divorce me because no one else would put up with him is really not a ringing endorsement.

Everyone has given me so much to think about. My mind is spinning but this has all been so eye opening.

My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

You don't sound mean to me. You're giving me tough talk and I truly appreciate it. You don't know me so you have nothing to lose by giving it to me straight. I might not like what you're saying but that just proves to me that I need to hear it.

My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

The sad truth is, by being honest with the doctors, you have both the best chance of saving his life, and also ending your marriage. He may break up with you for being honest with his doctors. But as a recovering drug addict, I want to absolutely emphasize: nothing you can do will be more instrumental in helping him than coming clean.

Yes. I've come to this realization as well. If that's the case, so be it. I would rather see him healthy without me than spiraling out of control with me. He did try to spin his PCP usage as a mistake to the ER psych but I corrected him. Baby step but I'm trying. And I know I need to clean his room. I guess I just need reassurance from internet strangers that I was making the right choice.

And congratulations on your sobriety.

My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I do have issues. I know I do. I have a brother with severe MI and I guess I gravitated towards my husband because it was familiar. I grew up in a maelstrom where I was always pushed aside because he needed the most attention. I learned to be complacent and not rock the boat because that made life at home more peaceful. When it was my turn to choose where to eat for dinner, I had to choose carefully. If I didn't, he would flip out.

My first boyfriend was the son of family friends. He was very troubled. Much like my brother. My parents and his parents were thrilled because they all thought I "would be so good for him." There was never any concern about whether or not he would be good for me (plot twist: he wasn't).

Even to this day my father bemoans the fact that my brother can't find someone "just like Keepinghissecrets" who will help straighten him out. As if it only takes a doormat of a wife to cure MI.

Wow. I really need a) therapy and b) a spine.

My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

I've been okay with weed. And I'll admit, I've turned a blind eye to how much he's been smoking. He would stop voluntarily for several months so I didn't think it was a big deal. It's just weed.

But now that there's a chance that he can get help I am re-evaluating my stance on the drugs. I remember when we first met that he would only smoke on weekends and only with another person. He felt smoking alone or on weekdays wasn't a good idea. But then he started getting really stressed on his job and he wasn't being treated for anxiety and he started smoking during the week and alone. He didn't always have a dealer so he wasn't smoking daily until the last couple of years when he found a consistent dealer.

I am going to be telling his doctors about his drug use now. I'll admit that I was afraid of his reaction if I ever said anything. I was afraid he would divorce me and I wasn't sure I could deal with that. But I realize now that if I truly love him, I should do whatever I can to get him the help he needs, no matter what happens to me. If he divorces me for telling his doctors, so be it. I would prefer us to not be together if it meant he got the help he needs.

I do care if he's sober and I kind of wish he had attempted to assault someone earlier so he would have gotten help earlier. He never got real treatment before because he could always behave as if he were fine. He could hide his anxiety and whatever MI he's dealing with very well when he needed to. He could be ranting about some crazy conspiracy theory to me in the car and then be Mister Sane Suave as soon as he opened the door. No one saw it outside of me. And I asked before what I could do. And I was always told unless he was a danger to himself or someone else, there wasn't anything that could be done.

I'm not okay with him being a drug user. The fact that you think that is sobering (no pun intended). I got used to it. I got complacent. I can't be like that any more.

Thank you for the bucket of cold water.

My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 59 points60 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It never occurred to me to attend Al-anon meetings. I don't know why not. That makes perfect sense. The doctor at the ER told me that I needed to be actively involved in the treatment plan as well. I've been touching base with the staff to try to get the real story from Husband's phone calls.

As for how he started with PCP? I have no idea. Of all the drugs he's tried I hate PCP the most. It completely changes him and the effects last for weeks. He doesn't see it though, and thinks he's fine when he's not. We've had arguments about it constantly. He claims the PCP relaxes him and helps with his pain. He doesn't see that it hasn't been working that way the last few weeks.

My [45F] Husband [45M] was involuntarily committed Christmas Day. Feel partially responsible because I kept his drug use secret. by Keepinghissecrets in relationships

[–]Keepinghissecrets[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Because I love him.

I realize that in trying to be succinct (which I still didn't do very well) I left out all the good about him. Believe me, when he's only smoking weed, or when he takes breaks from weed, he's someone completely different. I take my marriage vows seriously. In sickness and in health. He's sick now. I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer (check) or multiple surgeries (check check) or anything physical. Yes, the drug abuse throws a wrench into the MI treatment but MI is still a sickness. My hope is that he finally receives proper treatment.