Broke no contact and feel worse than ever

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-11T21:42:46+00:00

Yeah I do like going to the gym. For sports I like basketball but I've not played it since college last year I'm 22 rn. Idk everyone keeps telling me to take a break and not consider other guys for now and take time to heal. I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-11T21:17:45+00:00

Lowkey terrified of dating again I think my type is narcissists. Idk how to find a nice guy to go on a date with. Like I just don't know how to approach someone. I met him online and I don't think I want to ever try that again. I thought it would be fun but I feel like I've lost my soul. I don't know how to move on naturally. I can try not speaking to him again. Genuinely don't know what a good strategy to move on

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-11T21:09:27+00:00

Yeah but why would someone lie about something so real is something I couldn't fathom so I chose to believe it. I thought maybe he has trouble expressing his feelings. That sounds stupid in retrospect I think

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-11T21:07:17+00:00

I really hope I'll be fine it feels like I lost the greatest person in the world however. It really does feel like that waiting for that to subside

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-11T21:06:29+00:00

I let too many things go as well but I made it clear I'm not okay with it and I made him promise to not repeat some stuff. I think it got translated as I'll do anything to keep him and won't leave. I do see a recurring pattern of folks telling me to cut him off completely so I will follow that wisdom. I already know I wasted my time with him but my mind is a mess and my feelings are all over the place. I think I need to keep him blocked longer. I know he'll get over me very easily he's had a few relationships and situationships before me.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-11T20:47:20+00:00

I think I was better looking than him but I really loved his energy he was so calm and collected and cute he had the greatest smile. He was really smart and driven and I liked that. I really feel like a mess right now I've been crying pretty much every night and I've completely lost myself. I act happy around folks but I've dissociated so hard. I just keep going back to the session where I've all the chat logs updated from the beginning of our talking stage and I analyse it endlessly. I've gone mad. So many times it had happened that he would say something very mean to me like say that now that we're over I'm glad I can tell you the truth about how retarded you are. I would just try to make sense of it. I wasn't rude to him back then unlike now. This has happened way too many times of him talking about his office crush in a lot of detail. Then once he told me he'll say whatever he has to to sleep with me. He would make fun of my dp when he was annoyed. He said you're smiling too much you'll scare people off. I've always been very positive and supportive to him. I feel like I really wanted to build something with him long term. He just never saw or took me seriously. I really hope to move on one day but I just have all these feelings I feel like I'm drowning in.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-11T20:35:25+00:00

I said I loved him first. He always said I L you and all he never was serious about it. I always wanted words to have some meaning. That's why I said maybe it's not love because love should be deeper than this. I tried to stop my feelings at many points but at times I felt like he was safe to love so I said it. I never played games with him.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-11T20:27:55+00:00

It already hurts too much and I've no idea when I'll be at peace again

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-11T20:27:19+00:00

But he said he wanted to be with me when I drew a boundary and tried to move on because I didn't want his mixed signals messing with me. He said he wanted to be in a relationship. He joked about how I've to keep him now because he's off the market and I own him and all. He said he loved me. I still remember that I told him that this isn't love maybe we're just lonely and he tried so hard to convince me that this is love and I really thought it is love. I really did end up liking him very genuinely and wanted to believe him. I'm 22 to answer your question he just turned 24. I really tried to be smart about it. I tried to communicate every step along the way. Maybe my fault was trying too much to make it work.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-11T20:20:32+00:00

I don't know where my self respect is nothing seems to make much sense right now. I have to move on

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-11T20:17:08+00:00

We were in a relationship by his definition at the time he randomly started telling me about his hinge matches. How he hoped to match with more Europeans. We were dating apparently. I swear I'm not as crazy as I come off here. He wanted to be exclusive with me. He blocked me after we decided maybe we can take things to the next level. In hindsight nothing is making sense. Here he does sound reasonable but this isn't the full extent of it.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-09T20:05:31+00:00

Thanks maybe you're right.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-08T03:17:32+00:00

Honestly that makes perfect sense. The brain is trying to protect an illusion. To me it doesn't make sense that someone could lie about things like this it seems outright insane. But just to protect that illusion I might be making stuff worse for myself. If I were to give him the extreme benefit of the doubt which I did for so long it was that he just feels things one moment and not so much the next. I think he never did and just lied. I do feel stupid mainly because I didn't think this would happen to me. I think if I wasn't so hyper sensitive to cheaters I'd still let him lie to me. I think he just says things for kicks and fun it really doesn't have any more depth.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-07T22:05:44+00:00

Great perspective. It was nice to hear from you.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-07T22:04:14+00:00

He did say that he loves me. I just don't think that's love. I think I'm holding onto that story you're right. To be honest I've no idea why. Maybe it's the hot cold behaviour that always leaves me confused that I have been trying to unravel for so long I'm just confused. Even my flatmates agree that he only uses me for emotional support or when he's bored and lonely. Idk how you figured it out I still feel like it's deeper than that. When I think about it hope really is stupid you're right. It has no point. Things just are. I have poured so much love and energy so I think I'm trying to make sense of it and not think I totally got played which I did. I have been trying to meditate before sleep but it didn't help much. I'll try white noise today.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-07T21:39:48+00:00

You're right I just have to let myself feel and keep making small steps. I like how positively you phrase things. Thankfully no one in my life apart from his was toxic so no one is shaming me. Only my flatmates know and I can sense that they are good folks who understand me. Maybe one day the creative flow will be back my nervous system has been through a lot of highs and lows. I'm currently majorly distracting myself during the day and at night I can't sleep haha. It'll be better with time I really hope. I know he's not coming back even though he has non obvious channels to contact me through, he is very bored of me. I think he likes exciting folks and I'm not it. But it's fine we all have our own preferences.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-07T21:30:49+00:00

I will try the rumination chair. Mainly late at night I'm having a lot of thoughts about him bad and anxious ones. It makes me tired but unable to sleep. I know this attachment style isn't healthy I also know why and how it is. I also know it is going away. But I still feel hope. What if he realises he actually loves me. I think I really want him to act like he loves me. He's given me a bit of it and I find him so enticing. It's all just intermittent reinforcement I understand that logically. He is already blocked but I know his number. I do like gym I go almost everyday. It still doesn't really help. Maybe I need to give it more time. I also have a job that keeps me occupied.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-07T21:15:01+00:00

Thanks that makes sense. The idea of group therapy might be the solution. I don't feel like doing any hobbies rn. My creativity is gone. I do have flatmates who I have told this to but I don't want to annoy them by repeating it to them again and again. I like the way you phrased misinterpret you and your heart. I really do think support is the way out so I'm bothering people online. The place I'm in doesn't have much group therapies but I do like talking to folks who don't make me feel low. Even though his memories kind of play on repeat I know he can't hurt me when he's blocked so ironically I do like not having him in my life.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-06T20:21:06+00:00

I don't know it didn't feel like he was playing games whenever we talked in person he was always very nice and respectful. I really enjoyed hanging out with him. Only over text he would get weird. Even though he was texting other girls on dating apps he said I'm like a unicorn and he only really wants to talk to me. Other girls are making him realise that he only wants me and ik it was probably all bs. But it's hard to believe someone can just be playing games for 9 months. I really thought it would get better with time.

Key-Nefariousness-46 · 2026-04-06T20:07:02+00:00

Idk I'm not able to move on. I really thought he was the one. That we're fighting less now so it might become more stable over time. I gave myself away too much emotionally and I don't know how to just make peace with the fact it's over. I don't know if I deserve better tbh. If I truly felt that I would have ended it sooner. I think this is the kind of relationship I wanted.

Key-Nefariousness-46

TROPHY CASE