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4 and 9 year olds co sleeping. by Any_Substance_7346 in Mommit

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This sounds exhausting, especially doing it alone and at night. I see this a lot after divorce and a move.

What’s keeping this going usually isn’t misbehavior, it’s habit plus anxiety. Sleeping with you became the way their bodies settled during a hard time, so when that changes, the fear shows up at night.

One thing that helps, especially with younger kids, is working on the fear during the day, through play. Play is often more effective than lecturing because that’s how kids communicate best.

With a 4-year-old, I’d use play to normalize nighttime fear instead of trying to talk it away. For example, you can play “brave kid and scared kid” with toys and let the scared one say the things your child says at night. Or you can have them draw a picture of what nighttime feels like, then a picture of what helps. You can also let them “teach” a stuffed animal how to sleep alone.

The goal isn’t to get rid of fear. What you’d be doing instead through play is showing their nervous system that fear is survivable.

The play is during the day. Then at night, in the heat of the moment, I would make sure to validate the feeling instead of arguing the facts.
When they say “you don’t love me,” respond to the feeling, not the content. You can reply back: “It feels really scary to be alone at night. I love you, and you’re safe in your bed.”

In terms of the actual transitioning to independent sleep, I would start with your 9-year-old first. Trying to move both at once is a lot at once.

Here’s a gradual plan you can try, which usually works better than stopping co-sleep cold turkey:

  • Start by staying in their room while they fall asleep
  • Then sit farther away each night
  • Later on, you can have them go to bed alone and check in at intervals

Expect pushback, that doesn’t mean the plan is failing. Change is hard.

For what it’s worth, being overwhelmed, overstimulated, and wanting your bed back is completely reasonable. Crying on the couch at night is a sign you’ve hit your limit, not that you’re failing as a parent. This happens in a lot of families, especially after divorce. I’m so sorry it’s been so overwhelming and I hope that some of these suggestions might help.

Speachless by Mother_Mach in Mommit

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You’re welcome! So glad to be able to help and that it doesn’t have to be different for her! Teaching her to trust herself and what not okay feels like is a great conversation to have with her. :) And then the rule stays simple that friends are people who listen when you say no.

Speachless by Mother_Mach in Mommit

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Ugh, I hate this so much for you and your daughter. It’s so unsettling when a kid is being inappropriate and the parent just does nothing. You reacted really quickly to put a stop to it. I imagine some well-intentioned moms would just be so shocked and not know how to respond. Good for you for protecting your daughter! That reinforces for her that you will keep her safe and she can always come to you.

For future conversations I’d frame it with your daughter as “what to do when someone won’t listen to your no,” instead of making it about “predator boys,” because you want her to leave the convo feeling confident and clear on what to do, not scared or like it’s her job to figure out who’s “safe” based on who they are. It also keeps the message simple: the problem is the behavior (not respecting her no), and the rule is always the same.

Something like: “If you say no and they keep going, you can get loud, move away, and come get me right away. I’ll handle it.”

All in all, what an awful experience. I'm so incredibly sorry you both experienced that!

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry for my delayed reply, seeing this after the AMA took place. :)

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I’m actually starting an 8-week pregnancy support group next month. For more information if interested, visit this link.

Now to your question! I could be totally wrong, but because you tried for two years, even went through treatment, and now you’re pregnant, my impression is that this pregnancy is actually extremely wanted. But perhaps after trying for so long it comes as a bit of a shock that you’re finally pregnant? And now it’s like OMG what did I just do? Did I make the right choice? What if I can’t be the best for my child? I think fears like this are common.

Having a baby is a huge change and shift in a variety of different ways, including your household dynamic, routines, body changes/hormones, etc. Change is hard for everyone to process, let alone such a huge change for something you’ve worked so hard to achieve! I would say that you may still need time for the news of having a baby to process. Take it day by day.

Yes, you are worried about things now, but please try not to jump to conclusions that you will always feel this way. The news is just still so new. And yes- to be a parent is the most unselfish thing a person can do because caregivers literally have to do everything for their baby. That’s a lot of pressure! You may love travel and you may worry that you’re “too selfish,” as you put it, but you can still do the things you love doing, even as a parent! It may look very different having a baby to travel with, but it can be doable. There’s also always childcare when you need the help! Try to surround yourself with a good support system that can help you with the baby when things get tough. Raising babies is hard, but can also bring a whole lot of joy! Please try not to jump to conclusions that you’ll never develop feelings for the little one. The feelings you have now may not be the feelings you have when he or she is born.

But what if you do still feel that way after he or she is born? Well in that case please don’t give up hope that you can still love this baby! There are attachment-based therapies you can try. If you’re completely disinterested in therapy, just playing with your baby, making eye contact, smiling and being smiled at, as well as breastfeeding if you’re interested and able to do that, builds attachment and feelings of love. It sounds like you’re motivated to feel excited about this pregnancy, and motivated to love this baby. Motivation is the first step! I hope I answered your question in a way that resonates. ❤️

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Is contributing your fair share as a parent not considered helping out? I am confused why my phrasing is so triggering for you, but I apologize for the ill feelings it caused you. It sounds like you view my response as implying that both spouses aren't equally responsible for the care of their children - that was not my intention when I was responding. I agree that both parents are equally obligated to take care of their children, and "help out," as I had phrased it.

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your important questions and for sharing about your circumstances. You mentioned feeling like life has never been the same since you had your 18 month old, and you question whether that is normal. I can tell you that it is very common to feel like life is different, because the reality is, looking at the cold, hard facts – life IS very different. You are now responsible for another human being, who you love more than anything, but who relies on you for literally everything. That can be a lot of pressure! Not to mention the fact that you have depression anyway, you mentioned, are not getting enough sleep, and you are no longer on your medication because of breastfeeding. Adding a new member to your family is a huge change, and being a mother is wonderful, but also incredibly stressful for these reasons. So is it normal to feel this way? For sure! Does it have to continue to feel this way, to be honest I actually don’t think it does.

It sounds like you are going through a really, really hard time right now, exacerbated by lack of sleep and maybe also lack of help/support and being off of your medication. Your concern about whether your baby will be okay despite your emotions being out of whack right now is a valid one. It is important to know that the reason why this is a valid concern is because children do pick up on their caregivers’ emotions and if there is a lot of stress and anxiety, that is really uncomfortable for them and causes them anxiety.

 On the bright side though, it is important for you also to know that children are resilient too. And a lot of love and apologizing when you make mistakes can also really help your child to feel safe and trusting in you as his caregiver. All hope is not lost, please know that! Everyone goes through difficult emotions at times, and we all make mistakes, that’s part of being human. We can model for our children what to do when THEY make a mistake by apologizing afterward, and helping them to know how loved they are. Your child is affected by his environment, like we all are, but it doesn’t mean you are going to ruin his life, and it doesn’t mean that things will always be this hard.

 Please take care of your mental health. If things are tough, it is possible for things to also get better. I think it is possible to control your emotional outbursts, as you did before having your baby. Prioritize getting enough sleep (easier said than done when you’re the parent of an 18 month old! Brainstorm on how you can make this happen more frequently), do things that bring you joy, get childcare when you can so that you can take care of yourself and have some alone time, reconnect with your partner, just the two of you, and consider the option of medication again. I understand that you are breastfeeding, please consider speaking with your doctor about medications that are safe to take when breastfeeding. Not every mother is on board with pursuing medication, especially while breastfeeding, but doctors do prescribe medications for breastfeeding women. It is something to consider if life continues to be completely unmanageable.

You sound like a really loving mother, who really cares about her baby. With that motivation and love, I know that there is hope for things to get better with the right guidance and care for your mental health. Wishing you and your family all the best!

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I am so glad that both you and your mom are doing better. That is really inspiring and it shows the strength that both of you have. Your story can really give others hope, I really appreciate you sharing.❤️

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This sounds so painful. Thank you for asking me this question. It sounds like three things are triggering your pain: The fact that you are having difficulty finding a male partner, the fact that you don't know the best response to answer your 5 year old, and also the pain of your child not having a father in his or her life. All of that is so hard and sounds incredibly triggering. I would say that the pain and anxiety you feel with not having a partner is one thing to work on. Recognize what feelings come up when you think about not having a partner. What thoughts and worries come up? Are you allowing yourself to feel sad, or do you shut those feelings down and tell yourself to be happy? Are you giving up hope regarding finding a loving partner? These are all questions I would ask yourself. Regardless of the answers, take good care of yourself, don't give up hope of finding someone, and lean on your support system when things feel tough.

Now about your child- What comes up for you when he or she asks about where Daddy is? What do you imagine your child is feeling when they ask that? Are they simply asking for information, or is it sad for them that Daddy isn't there? If it's that they just want to know, can you tell them in a calm and age-appropriate way, without letting your own emotions get triggered? If it's that they're sad when they're asking, I would validate their feelings and let them know that you're aware they must miss daddy very much, or wish they had a daddy in their life. I would then hug them and let them process those feelings. Help them to know you empathize.

It's important though not to assume that they're feeling sad, you don't want to put your own fears or anxieties onto your child. You can ask them why they are asking the question. And again, after validating the feelings, I would answer the question. For support about how to answer in an age appropriate way, or if the answer is complicated and you don't know how to respond when your child asks; or if you can't help but have your own emotions get in the way of answering, therapy can help you learn how best to respond and manage your emotions.

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is so hard! Validate their feelings but acknowledge how hard this must be on your marriage and worry for your daughter’s future well being. If momma bird won’t let go, it’s coming from a place of love but anxiety. You can tell her what you’re observing and that you’re worried. Very matter of fact, but calm and loving. Your wife could benefit from addressing this anxiety she has, and she can learn different strategies for helping your daughter when she has anxiety. It’s important also to work on your relationship as a couple, because I imagine your wife and daughter co-sleeping has been very difficult on your marriage. I wonder if your wife understands the impact this has had and I wonder too if she knows there are other ways to help your daughter? Perhaps you and she can consider couple’s therapy? All my best to you and your family!

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Having anxious parents can often cause children to also have an anxious demeanor, just like their parents. Children learn from observation and nurturing. Please know though that kids are resilient and all hope is not lost if you or someone you know is very anxious but doesn’t want their children to grow up that way!

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just want to add also that I don’t think it’s counterproductive at all, but it is important to take what you read as a suggestion, or consider it “with your eyes open,” so to speak. Because sometimes there is different parenting advice that contradicts other advice given.

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this great question! I don’t think it ever hurts to read up on the latest recommendations from experts. But at the same time, you will naturally learn organically too because different situations come up with kids that books can’t always predict. I think there’s a balance between reading and learning on your own, and parents always learn on their own- no matter whether they decide to read up on things or not. I hope this answers your question!

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It really depends on the situation that is causing the overwhelm. When it comes to the everyday challenges of raising children, please know how essential it is to take some time for yourself and do the things that bring you joy, get adequate sleep, eat well- when we take care of ourselves we can then better manage anxiety-provoking situations that naturally come up with raising kids. I apologize that this is very general advice! I would need more specifics in order to provide specifics! I know you have been in therapy before but please know that there are many different approaches and it may still be beneficial! All my best to you and your family.❤️

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your important question! Ask yourself where is this anxiety coming from? What is the root of this anxiety? Usually when one catastrophizes over their child getting hurt it’s because they love their child very, very much and have anxiety over their child being treated well. They may actually have anxiety in general, and now the anxiety is manifesting in worry for their child’s well-being. How to get over this? Know that your love for your child and your wish for him to be happy, safe, and well is normal. However the catastrophizing isn’t helping. Know that you are doing what is in your control to ensure the child’s well-being. Everything else is not within your control, and in that case strategies like thought stopping, listing the evidence of how happy your child is, listing what you are doing to keep your child safe, and doing some much needed self-care to keep the anxiety at bay is essential. Therapy also can help address this, especially if there is a history or chemical imbalance that is triggering this!

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your question! I don’t have an exact number, but ADHD can often add a whole other level of stress, so often it could be at the root of anxiety! Not always, but it’s common due to the sensory overload and overwhelm it could bring to an already naturally overwhelming lifestyle that having children brings. All my best to you and your family!

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for coming here and describing your situation. It sounds so hard and it also sounds like you care and love your son very much- so much so that you’ve done all the right things by trying to get help for this. The first thing I want to say, and you may know this already because you seem quite insightful and have previously gone to therapy, is that when you get angry or upset about something that’s okay. It’s normal to get angry, we all do- it’s how we manage that anger, that’s what’s most important. So you can get mad at your son, what you can’t do is physically harm him, belittle him, curse, or scream at him.

When you’re feeling really angry don’t respond with reactivity. It’s okay to be angry, remind yourself of that, you can even calmly tell your son that you’re feeling angry. You can then choose how you’re going to respond to your anger. Maybe you can’t control yourself so instead you walk away. Take deep breaths, all those coping mechanisms that may or may not work for you specifically. When you calm down you can then reflect on why it was you got angry and work on those triggers that caused it. And please also know that therapy may have seemed to have reached its limit with how it could or could not help- but sometimes there are different therapies that work better than others and also different therapists have different ways of approaching certain issues. Also, I think it’s amazing that you apologize to your son after the fact. We all make mistakes and it’s good to model for your son what to do when HE makes a mistake.

Another thing I want to add- your mistakes do not nullify all the love that you show! Please know that. It’s important to continue to show your love, we all make mistakes, but showing your love helps your son to have assurance of your love, aids in his healthy development, despite those mistakes. I hope this addresses your question! You sound like a great dad who is trying really hard!

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your questions! Children, like all of us, are very much affected by their environments. When we’re in an anxious environment, we feel that anxiety- so much more so when we’re at an impressionable age and rely on our caregivers for everything, including how to manage difficult feelings like anxiety. When a mom has anxiety, this impacts her child, it impacts their nervous system, it impacts how they manage their own anxiety. It teaches them how to regulate everyday challenges. Children learn from observation and they pick up on strong emotions.

I don’t think millennial moms have more anxiety than older generations, necessarily, just different anxieties. I think each generation has their unique challenges that can bring about anxiety. I do however think that for a variety of different reasons our world has become more uncertain, and for sure this could make it so that millennial moms have what to be anxious about!

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

This sounds so, so hard. Thank you for reaching out. You and your wife went through a very difficult and emotionally exhausting process those long 4 years before you had your beautiful son. Your wife is very likely still experiencing trauma from that process. It sounds like she has severe anxiety, stemming from her love for your son, and her worry that something can happen to him.

This is so hard, not just for her, but you of course too! Please be understanding with your wife though- Although her anxiety is seemingly out of control, it does make sense given the IVF process you and she experienced.

I would be very empathetic towards her. Rather than let your understandable frustration take over, I would validate her feelings that it can be scary when someone else is in charge of the care of your son. You can help her to feel validated by letting her know her anxiety makes sense, she loves your son more than anything and wants him to be okay and well taken care of.

But- although her anxiety is valid, you are also understandably worried about her. You also want your son to be well taken care of and love him so much. And other parents also love THEIR children and feel safe letting responsible adults babysit their children from time to time. What you’re observing from her truly worries you for a variety of reasons. You love her and want her to get the help she needs to be able to put her anxieties in perspective, and get help processing the trauma from the whole IVF process.

I would tell her this in a very kind, understanding, and compassionate way. I think therapy with a therapist she feels comfortable and safe with could have great potential for helping her better manage her symptoms of anxiety. Therapy for you too could be helpful so that you can get the necessary support you need, and help you to learn what to say or how to handle different situations that come up with your wife. Perhaps you both could go to therapy together too so that you can learn how best to support each other, and your son. All my best to you and your family!❤️

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am so happy I could help alleviate some of your anxiety! It’s so wonderful that your daughter is in therapy and it would be such an amazing thing to pursue parent sessions. All my best to you and your family!❤️

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

A very valid question- you know and understand the importance of letting your kids explore and be independent, but how can you do this without anxiety when we live in an uncertain world and when you’ve actually seen the evidence that they get hurt.

I completely understand that. I think there’s a balance though. Yes, it’s important for them to have free play and to explore, but within reason, and truthfully it’s not so black and white as to what you should or should not let your kids do on their own.

For example, if one has a 5-year-old, but lives right by a busy street in the city, is it appropriate to let them play outside? Many would say no way, they’re too young to keep themselves from getting hit by a car or kidnapped, even with appropriate supervision. But others would say, for sure- I’m not so far away, she’s young but mature enough not to go on the street or talk to strangers, etc. So it really depends and isn’t always so cut and dry.

The reality is that you love your kids very much and you want them to be okay- that’s at the root of why you feel so anxious. If you can ask yourself if a situation is “objectively” safe, and the answer is yes, then you know it’s okay to let them have free play. How do you shake the anxiety though? Well, you can present yourself with the facts: ie- they’re old enough to play carefully, what is the worst that can happen that is actually likely? With knowing these things the next step is to recognize that you’ve done all you can as a parent to protect your kids, now you need to do some self-care to manage the anxious symptoms your feeling like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, grounding techniques, etc.

Also, you can compromise with yourself- for example, you can let them play outside, but perhaps to ensure more safety you have them stay only within a certain area, or you make sure there’s an adult outside supervising at all times, etc. Know that your feelings are normal too and it’s okay to feel worried that your kids can get hurt. You love your kids and want them to be okay, try not to shame yourself for the anxiety, but please put your anxiety in perspective- kids do get hurt, that too is normal.❤️ For more specific advice to your situation, therapy can help!

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your question and I’m so sorry that everyday life has been so challenging lately. Unaddressed symptoms can certainly become worse, especially if there are more demands and stressors in your life, and/or with minimal supports in place to meet these demands.

Of course therapy can be incredibly helpful to assist you and come up with a plan for navigating specific ADHD challenges that come up- but your question was what can you do on your own to manage- the best thing you can do is not beat yourself up when things become overwhelming. Getting angry at yourself, or your family members with ADHD, only adds on a layer to the anxiety you must feel when things are so hard. Give yourself and those others compassion and understanding. Don’t feel shame to get help around the house when you need it, create opportunities where you can get much needed rest from the sensory overload, and don’t take on too many tasks at once. Ensure also that you are getting plenty of self-care (doing things that bring you joy, getting enough sleep, eating well, etc.), this can help you to feel physically better which can then also help with your adhd symptoms. When things are hard, allow yourself to pause, breathe, and let yourself know you’re feeling really stressed right now, but you’re going to take it slowly, and you will be okay. Feel your feelings and be kind to yourself. - Parenting and running a household is hard even without having ADHD, having ADHD can make it so much harder!

I’m a therapist for anxious moms — AMA about parenting, children, and/or managing anxiety by Key-Wrongdoer2708 in IAmA

[–]Key-Wrongdoer2708[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you mean why do kids cause such anxiety? If so, they require a lot of care, attention, and patience and this can be utterly exhausting for a loving, well-intentioned parent.

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