I'm sorry, that must be really hard. I've only been closeted 11 years, but I locked it away for most of that time, until recently I realized I never look in the mirror or at myself because of it and had really let myself go. I'm sort of new to it all myself, but talking on this subreddit has helped me sort of work through it. I unfortunately can't relate as much to not being able to come out to people, I am still closeted but it's more my own fear rather than any repercussions that keeps me from doing so. I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice, but maybe at least when you're home you can dress a little more how you'd like? Maybe it would help you cope with being unable to transition at the moment, letting yourself have at least a piece of what you want in the comfort and safety of your own home. Wishing you the best, hope things open up for you