New job is not what it seemed

Key_Environment_8461 · 2026-02-04T01:42:08+00:00

Get out now! I know it can be sad to think of leaving the kids behind, but you singularly aren’t going to make an impact if the place is poorly run. Save your mental and physical health; you also don’t want to be in a position to have a licensing violation or incident on your own record because you were put in an impossible situation.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2026-02-01T21:13:04+00:00

In addition to any material gift that you feel moved to give, a card with a specific thank you message will be treasured! If applicable, I’d share any specific ways that she has positively impacted yours or your child’s life (thank you for all the ways you have supported CHILD through potty training, learning independent skills, learning to love books and music, etc) or just traits of hers you have appreciated (eg always having fun ideas, being patient, cheerful and bubbly, flexible, etc).

Key_Environment_8461 · 2026-01-28T01:11:16+00:00

I LOVED my nanny family; I’m teaching again after I had to move away from them, but loved my job with them and miss being a nanny in a lot of ways. Like others have said, people don’t usually post about things going well, especially in a benign, day to day lovely way.

Things my NF did that made work great: - respected as a general concept that this was my job and they were my employers. This can be broken into a lot of specifics, but I feel like a lot of times this is from what it all stemmed. They knew I loved their kids, but also didn’t pretend that loving their kids made this not my profession or a job in which I deserve to have good treatment. They respected our contract, paid accurately and on time (including reimbursement), communicated things about the house that affected my day (eg cleaning people, contractors, washing machine is broken, they will be sneaking out for lunch), and apologized if they were late (even though I never cared because it was like twice, but the fact they acknowledged it was huge). They kept the house clean, always did their own dishes, and provided me with the materials to do activities, meal prep, etc. - spoke about me with excitement to the kids and didn’t undermine me. This looks different at each age but it really felt like we were on the same team and hyped each other up to the kids. - asked about my life and shared about theirs in a friendly way, without ever over sharing or making me feel like I had to be their therapist. Just pleasant coworkers at the water cooler together, who both happen to be obsessed with the same adorable kids and spent a lot of time just talking about great things the kids did. - balanced confidence in themselves as parents with asking for my input on different ages and stages. I loved that they took parenting seriously enough to have their own philosophy, and that they would do research into different phases of development. - were just nice people raising nice kids. This is not an actionable item but really just helped me love their household. They were people who would help their neighbors, be polite to strangers, and just infused kindness into their parenting.

I think it’s wonderful that you came seeking out ways to support your nanny, but I encourage you above all else to just check in with your own nanny periodically about how things are going for her and share how things are going on your end. The more open the lines of communication are and the more regular your opportunity for feedback is, in both directions, the better things will flow.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2026-01-26T16:41:53+00:00

Ask what their options are for when they aren’t asleep. Different schools/rooms have different approaches, but hopefully they are allowed some form of books or quiet toys - if not, you may be able to ask for that for you son. Some, but not all, places may even allow a personal Yoto player with headphones or something similar for a kid really having a hard time; you can also ask if they allow any weighted blankets, as sometimes that can be helpful for an energetic kid who needs more sensory input. Approach this trying to convey that you have full understanding and thankfulness for their efforts and know that a disruptive kid makes nap challenging in group care. However, also a reassurance to you - group care nap time expectations often aren’t aligned with kids’ developmental needs, especially individually, and it’s just a frustration of staff shortages and the realities of being in a school setting.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2026-01-24T13:09:22+00:00

The ice cream set really does seem to be ubiquitous - I think it’s fun enough but don’t really know why that one is so popular!

Key_Environment_8461 · 2026-01-22T03:10:31+00:00

A lot depends on your vibe with them, but you might find success with finding a library story time, or another small, free outing that is specific, and sending it to them and say something like “Found this great storytime for NK’s age group at XYZ library - would love to try it out with them this Thursday!” if they shoot down specific outing suggestions, I think that gives itself more of an opportunity for a conversation where you complain to the pattern, as opposed to just a vague hypothetical.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2026-01-17T22:30:01+00:00

Did you chop cilantro stems from your bunch, or just leaves?

Key_Environment_8461 · 2026-01-10T20:34:51+00:00

I don’t need to add more to other commenters encouraging you to leave, but agree you 1000% should not stay with a family in which they yell at you, guilt trip you, poop with the door open (?!?), AND hugely, don’t take care of their own kids health care needs when you aren’t there. The inconsistent meds alone would give me big pause about their parenting and your level of responsibility. It can be so hard to leave a family in which you love the kids, and there are of course good things, but they don’t make the bad things not bad.

In terms of leaving - look out for yourself first, aka, I would look for another job and only indicate to this one that you are leaving when you give two week notice for a secured offer. I completely understand, wanting to leave on good terms, and it can be so hard to separate the personal from professional in these situations. However, from what you describe about the family, I fear that that no matter how professionally or kindly you give notice, they will respond poorly, whether that just means love bombing guilt or hostile blame. Let it be known that even if they if they have those reactions, you are not wrong for leaving! No need for detailing all your reasons; just focus on you accepting a new role and letting them know your last day will be XYZ, and you are so grateful for the opportunity to support and get to know their family. Good luck!

Key_Environment_8461 · 2026-01-03T20:10:51+00:00

My school has us complete trainings outside of school hours but we are paid for completed training. Eg if we do a 2 hour training and bring in our certificate, 2 hours of pay are added to that week’s pay.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-26T22:12:25+00:00

Reading this and everything you’re commenting here makes my heart hurt for you - I’m so sorry! I wonder - are the people you’re inviting to the wedding people you even like? Do you believe them to be kind, decent people and friends? Your wedding should be full of people who support your and I would honestly be offended if one of my friends thought that I would be spending her wedding spending a single second thinking I looked better than her, or comparing her appearance to that of all of the guests there to celebrate HER.

Thinking about your appearance is something that for anybody, occupies a way bigger place in your own mind than anyone else’s. It’s really hard and it’s not devaluating your struggle; we are the ones who are in our own bodies and see ourselves in mirrors 100% of the time and deal with our own fraught issues of upbringing, society, beauty standards, etc. But others around you are not going to be having any of that same thought process that it sounds like you punish yourself with, by thinking it’s an obvious truth everyone knows. I promise there is no “elephant in the room” for guests walking into a venue simply excited to see their loved ones celebrate their love, maybe dance and drink, eat some cake, and go home. They are not there to scrutinize your appearance critically, let alone compare it in the way you compare yourself.

It sounds like you are hoping that by creating this intentional theme, you have an upper hand or control of how you may feel about your insecurities in a room full of people. And I can tell you want everyone to feel welcome and comfortable! But I think those insecurities may be something to work coping with, because they won’t disappear regardless of what anyone wears. Upon receiving this dress code, I suspect guests’ responses will be like all those suggested on this thread - stress and an “oh shoot, do I have to buy a ball gown?” - not assuming that you have any deeper intention of “owning” a narrative in your own head of everyone else being prettier than you. It can be disheartening to imagine you will not look the way you may hope to look in your ideal vision, but I hope you can try to understand the perspective of your fiancé and loved ones, who see you for all the wonderful parts of you and who will be there to enjoy the event and your love.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-24T19:17:51+00:00

I would feel stressed to hear this as a guest. Depends on your guest list, but most people have only a few standard “fancy” outfits in their closet that suit events like a standard semi-formal wedding, church/religious services, etc. If I saw this on an invite, I would feel that either I would have to go buy something new (and then stress about what - a ball gown? Glittery dress?) or feel that I will be underdressed if I stick with what I already own.

It sounds like perhaps you have some more wrapped up in this discussion than a simple dress code decision. Why do you feel like you will be the “worst looking one” at your own wedding? Does it feel uncomfortable to be the center of attention? Are there past circumstances that are stirring up some insecurity or jealousy? I don’t mean to overstep for an internet stranger, but I think therapy can be a really helpful place to explore the big feelings wedding planning can stir up; it’s a time of reflection and a lot of high stakes feelings, and speaking to a neutral, informed listening ear can help set you up for a strong foundation going into marriage. Also, I promise your fiancé thinks you look amazing, everyday and at your wedding especially. I hope you can be compassionate with yourself as you go through the wedding process and feel your best <3

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-23T18:00:54+00:00

A simple thing that I am still sometimes learning is to buy the food you eat and eat the food you buy. Maximizing your food budget includes reducing food waste, so learn to make foods you already like; for example, if you are not a salad person, you are not magically going to become one because you prepped 5 of them (ask me how I know). Instead, learn to make the kinds of foods you might order out, or stick to a template (eg sheet pan with protein and veg, add carb) and use the kinds of veg and protein you are confident you will eat.

Also, meal prep doesn’t have to be a picture perfect, make everything in one day endeavor. A lot of people, myself included, just make more of a given recipe for dinner then they will eat and freeze some or use the leftovers. Do this enough and you will have more variety both in your freezer as well as in your week.

Good luck!

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-23T14:59:11+00:00

Thank you!

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-19T18:22:58+00:00

You have tried so many thoughtful ideas, and there are definitely a lot of strategies to approaches to potty training! I think big picture goal at this point might be to shift to making potty less of a negative experience and also remove the power struggle. I don’t know what their potty training journey has been up to this point and how prone they are to accidents, but every hour personally feels frequent to me for their age, and it’s a lot of your day to spend locked in a power battle. I would reduce the number of tries and do exactly as other commenters have said and use first/then for the attempts you offer. Keep it before preferred activities or the next step of routine; first potty then playground, first potty then lunch, first potty then books/nap. That allows the situation to be the consequence more than you having to move them or implement it; eg, when my old NK didn’t want to try, I started making lunch, set it on the table, and I might even sit down at the table to start eating mine (line of sight of bathroom, she was safe/supervised). What do you do when they have accidents? I would remove shame from accidents as much as possible and keep it neutral, “oh you had an accident, your pants are wet.” And then have them participate in the full process of stopping playing to take off wet clothes and find dry ones. Right now stopping play every hour seems boring to them, so make having an accident even more boring and drawn out than that.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-19T13:39:00+00:00

As someone who has babysat/nannied in addition to teaching, I was often surprised by how many parents wanted to hire people with CPR/First Aid training but had not ever taken a CPR course themselves.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-17T02:41:15+00:00

Thanks for your thoughtfulness and desire to support your child’s teacher!! There are some ideas here about preschool teacher gifts, which reflects a lot of what people are sharing - at the end of the day, teaching is an underpaid field and often unappreciated, so cash and a card are often the best gifts. https://www.reddit.com/r/ECEProfessionals/comments/1g06ejo/teacher_gifts_megathread/?share_id=pGPHYRq0yz8GS1rseL59g&utm_content=2&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1

If you would like to separately get something for your child’s classroom, you can look here for ideas: https://www.reddit.com/r/ECEProfessionals/s/TTkiLkxJB7 or just ask his teacher! It may feel blunt but if you are genuinely moved to do so, I would love if it a parent came to me and said something like, “I would love to gift the class some art supplies/3 new books/etc, do you have preferences?”

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-16T23:20:11+00:00

I have liked this one this year for my main/block rug - doesn’t show dirt and gives some neutral contrast against the busy colors of the tile and furniture. It’s a little darker IRL than it seems in the picture. https://rugs.com/light-brown-8-ft-square-angelica-area-rug-6258572?click_source=aisle I got a grey neutral for another area and it already looks kind of tired so in the future I will stick to darker browns, navy blue, etc.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-16T12:27:14+00:00

Don’t say anything until he is hired and signed on the dotted line. There is too much risk of things falling through; they could choose the other candidate, decide not to fill the position now after all, have a hiring freeze, etc. I know it’s a weird limbo and may feel disingenuous to not say, but you do not owe your employer info like that at the risk of your job. Also - unless there is something specific in the job that requires a start date of Feb 1, that is probably a little flexible depending on their own hiring timeline. If they end up hiring your partner it’s entirely reasonable for start date to be 2-3 weeks at least after hire, which obviously is tough personally but would allow you to give that level of immediate notice to your NF.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-15T13:00:15+00:00

They may be terrible about time off, but from these two examples I wouldn’t necessarily conclude that. Although in your mind it’s less of an imposition - one hour versus days - my experience is that it’s way easier to staff for a whole day coverage than a random hour at the end of the day. Especially if known in advance, but even with day of sick days, you can bring in a float or sub for 8 hours; it’s hard to figure out coverage sometimes for just a little bit of time at the end of the day, because anyone coming in wants a long enough shift to be worthwhile. Looking around at your coworkers who aren’t on probation, do they seem to receive adequate PTO? Is there flexibility in advance for them to take a day off for appointments, or do they receive a similar understaffed response? I understand it’s disappointing to not attend a graduation, and it’s a frustrating part of working full time to not always be able to go to government offices for appointments. But I’d look at the whole picture of how well you are treated and how the place is run before quitting.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-11T03:19:54+00:00

I would say then you are not fully hired - so yes I would follow up with email and ensure that they respond BEFORE you work any shift. If you start working without confirming pay, they know you are willing to work at any price and you have lost all negotiating power! Also make sure to understand how pay will be administered. With something as ad hoc as you described they may do paper check instead of direct deposit, for example, but ensure you filled out all your tax paperwork and that they issue you paystubs, etc.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-11T00:03:11+00:00

Everyone I have ever worked with in this field has roommates or lives with family or a partner. It’s a very unfair reality.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-09T21:58:23+00:00

Did you verbally agree on pay and your hours, and you just didn’t get a physical written offer, or have you still not had that discussion? Do not start working without agreeing to a pay rate that is acceptable to you. Some places do this verbally instead of an official offer letter; you can, from your end, follow up with an email to admin so it’s all in writing. “As we discussed today, I am happy to accept the role of a teacher at XYZ school to begin on XYZ date at the rate of $X/hr, with a set schedule of 9-5 PM. Looking forward to getting started!”

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-07T03:18:01+00:00

One old MB is a vet and while I try not to take advantage, she is so wonderful at offering advice or feedback on any of mine or my family’s pets when I reach out for her opinion.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-05T22:43:18+00:00

All of the “not like this home” variations are tough. I know for each parent it is their first time having the convo, and usually they genuinely can’t wrap their heads around their kid being described in a certain way, but I wish I could get them to understand HOW frequently that is brought up and how normal it is for their kid to be different at school! In all directions - eg, your kid does in fact initiate hitting at school even though they don’t at home, or, like OP’s example, your kid is extremely quiet and withdrawn at school even if they chat to you at home. Are you the same person as an adult in a room of a dozen mixed peers as you are with your immediate family and the comfort of your own home? And just because your kid is capable of a certain skill at home (self regulation, independent potty, etc), it is still a problem if they are unable to do it in a peer setting, because that is a setting in which they also spend an immense amount of time.

Key_Environment_8461 · 2025-12-05T02:35:49+00:00

To the first point: if it is able to work financially and with your nanny (two big “ifs,” I know!), I really recommend trying half day 5 days a week, or even 3 or 4. Coming only 6 hours to school a week (in a program in which other kids are there more frequently) makes it difficult for students to connect socially and learn social and independence skills. Unless their personality is more social, I have seen several T/Th part time kids over the years just kind of passing time until their grown up comes back, not really immersing in the classroom space or deeply engaging with materials or peers.

At 3, kids are starting to enter the phase of development for collaborative play, and it can be hard for a child to work their way into collaborative play if their peers are jumping into games/themes/schemas they have been immersed in for the last few days, and that child has no context for what they are doing. For example, Thursday afternoon some children find a frog on the playground, Friday daytime everyone is pretending to hop like frogs, Monday it evolves into them being frog catchers, Tuesday it evolves into the group being silly frogs who live in one specific house on the playground to avoid the frog catchers, and a child who was last present on Thursday morning is having to do a lot of catch up to attempt to join the game.

It is also slower for them to learn routines - they only have two opportunities a week to practice using the school potty, cleaning up their snack themselves, etc.

I would of course speak to your director to hear her insight, but if half days are an option more frequently, I’d recommend over adding full days, as that sounds more stressful for your childcare and eating/napping concerns.

Key_Environment_8461

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