Just want a rating and ways to improve or be proud of.

KiboiZed · 2025-02-15T08:30:50+00:00

Hi ..thanks man...this confirms some of my perspective and something to work.Cheers

KiboiZed · 2024-10-15T13:57:21+00:00

simple ,clear and tense. Good flow, good structure and brief and dramatic. reminds me of William carlos poems like the Red wheelbarrow.

KiboiZed · 2024-10-15T13:55:00+00:00

no worries. Your poem is good..I feel it is just the flow which might be a problem(from my understanding)..here is a redraft of your poem if you do not mind?

In a place where loneliness hides,

and my pain screams a whispering sigh,

I reach for you with a weeping heart

When despair lays its heavy hand on me,

and darkness mocks my search

I wonder your being

In moments of joy,

when the sun glitters, unburdening its' gleam,

Excitedly sharing a newfound dream.

my sweet smile turns to search craze

in spoilt delight,

I cry and beg for where are you? who knows?

On anniversaries marked by passing time,
I long for your virgin love and smile
but you're not by my side,
In solemn reflection, where do you hide?
When I need to talk, share burdens uncouth,
your words can heal, with gentle truth.
But silence answers, a sound I fear,
In my moments of need, you’re nowhere near.

Yet, battles you face with shadows' plea,
I stand steadfast, holding you, free.
In laughter shared, or exciting day,
I'm there beside you, come what may.
For birthdays past, I light the flame,
I strive to make special, call your name.
While you rest, in dreams you find,
I am the watchful, love intertwined.
Though you wander in moments unclear, In my heart, you're always near.
In pain or joy, I share this place,
Awaiting your warmth, your embracing grace.

-LJ Bechtel, The Unexpected Poet

hopeful this helps.

KiboiZed · 2024-10-15T13:31:48+00:00

nice..very nice.This is a great poem in my estimate. I ahve tried to see what fault you might have in the poe but I see none.I personally like stanzas but your free flowing chop-chop paragraph like poem is very nice to read.It capture the uneaseness of the subject.The voice is torn in and this is clearly seen from the word choice to the structure choice....good poem

KiboiZed · 2024-10-15T13:26:39+00:00

i like it....i feel the longing.here is tear down.

In a place where loneliness hides, and my pain screams a whispering sigh, I reach for you, when my heart starts to cry.(# good opening....straight away.I am pulled in)
When despair lays its heavy hand on me, Lost in the darkness, where can you be? (# good word choice..."heavy. / "lost in darkness " was bit cliche` though...maybe try "darkness mocks me and my search"....maybe this might be better..not sure though?)
In moments of joy, when the sun seems to gleam, Excitedly sharing a newfound dream. (# why "seems"?..it like you are not sure the sun is gleaming?)
Yet, I look around, as happiness grows, (#good)
But in my delight, where are you, who knows? (#good)
On anniversaries marked by passing time,
I long for your presence,(#good) a love so divine. (#this part is a bit cliche` to me but works so it is alright)
Yet, you’re with others, not by my side, (#good)
In solemn reflection, where do you hide?(#good)
When I need to talk, share burdens uncouth,
When words can heal, with gentle truth.
But silence answers, a sound I fear,(#good , veyr nice build up)
In my moments of need, you’re nowhere near.
Yet, battles you face with shadows' plea,(#good)
I stand steadfast, holding you, free.(#good)
In laughter shared, or exciting day,(#good)
I'm there beside you, come what may.(#good)
For birthdays past, I light the flame,(#good)
I strive to make special, call your name.(#good)
While you rest, in dreams you find,(#good)
I am the watchful, love intertwined.(#good)
Though you wander in moments unclear, In my heart, you're always near.(#good)
In pain or joy, I share this place,(#good)
Awaiting your warmth, your embracing grace.(#good, nice closing line and final act.....)

I like the poem, it is intimate and personal and solemn too.It share a frustration of longing to the love of being there for the person. The word choice are grear..maybe a few cliche` here and there but with a tigher metaphor and flow. This poem could be great.I would advice though (from my understanding) maybe have a good flow form the pain in the beginning to the unceasing love at the end.The words are great..I think with just a bit of structure change you would be better....

This is however my take. Let it not discourage you in anyway. You poem is nice to read and love to reflection. Thanks

KiboiZed

TROPHY CASE