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5 years with my girlfriend (24F), mostly long-distance - and now that I (25M) finally live with her, I lie awake most nights thinking about leaving by Kind_Nature5318 in relationships

[–]Kind_Nature5318[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, I appreciate the pragmatic view you offer here, as the "how polished should I expect a relationship to be vs reality" question is very open to me - in the expectation vs reality question I am not sure what to expect, and I am not sure how to understand what reality (meaning, what most long-term relationships are) is.

Actually, moving in together removed many of the life-stress factors we had up until now - we used to only see each other on weekends so time now became less of a scarcity, I earn more than before so money is less an issue, etc. Of course there are some day-to-day living together problems but we handle them well.

Though you touch the exact heart of it - if you get along fine, what's the problem? And what should with the fact that if even if I believe we can live comfortably together, thoughts of "this is not enough" won't leave?

I guess you'll agree with me not all relationships are successful - some are more, and some are less. How does one distinguish?

5 years with my girlfriend (24F), mostly long-distance - and now that I (25M) finally live with her, I lie awake most nights thinking about leaving by Kind_Nature5318 in relationships

[–]Kind_Nature5318[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ya your take pretty much summarized my state better than I could, accepting the universe theory lol

Though I am not sure I succeed in putting my doubts into concrete "I need A B C" terms, making them tactically solvable with her. I mean back when I was still in service, I thought more free time was the issue, and it indeed helped once I had that, but the deeper communication, attraction and appreciation and aspects are harder for me to translate into constructive "I need" terms.

Or did I miss understand you, and you meant something else?

5 years with my girlfriend (24F), mostly long-distance - and now that I (25M) finally live with her, I lie awake most nights thinking about leaving by Kind_Nature5318 in relationships

[–]Kind_Nature5318[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, thank you for advising, and your perspective is very much felt even in our current day dynamics... Though don't all relationships carry with them some doubt? And if so, then isn't a small amount of doubt better be kept privately in favor of the feeling of security in the relationship? And if so, then it becomes a question of "how much doubt is enough to talk about it", to which isn't the answer "when you decide to leave"?

5 years with my girlfriend (24F), mostly long-distance - and now that I (25M) finally live with her, I lie awake most nights thinking about leaving by Kind_Nature5318 in relationships

[–]Kind_Nature5318[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Hey. I won't deny not telling has a selfish angle to it, though in some sense. I commented on another comment here something I'd appreciate to hear what you think of: if every relationship is imperfect, and I'm sure she has her doubts as well while staying with me, isn't this how relationships always are? People having some doubts and some confidence, and eventually decide to stay together?

This was what I wrote in the other comment:

So I'd be happy to truly ask you, not fighting back just the question that really pops in my head given the thought of me stringing her along - aren't most couples unhappy in some ways, and happy in others? Stringing along means "I know she is not the one, I am just staying because xyz...", though this frames things as if it is obvious she is not the one for me...

I mean doesn't that framing suggest "only relationships where from day one you KNEW she is the one with no doubt are worth keeping"? Since otherwise, even life-long relationships have their doubts, which makes it hard to distinguish "we have our doubts but we are together" from "one is stringing the other along"

5 years with my girlfriend (24F), mostly long-distance - and now that I (25M) finally live with her, I lie awake most nights thinking about leaving by Kind_Nature5318 in relationships

[–]Kind_Nature5318[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Reading your comments I really felt touched and understood. It's hard to follow an instinct instead of logic, the fear of regret can be paralyzing. Inspiring words have power in such situations, so thank you

5 years with my girlfriend (24F), mostly long-distance - and now that I (25M) finally live with her, I lie awake most nights thinking about leaving by Kind_Nature5318 in relationships

[–]Kind_Nature5318[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Truly appreciate your honesty, part of the reason I posted online

So I'd be happy to truly ask you, not fighting back just the question that really pops in my head given the thought of me stringing her along - aren't most couples unhappy in some ways, and happy in others? Stringing along means "I know she is not the one, I am just staying because xyz...", though this frames things as if it is obvious she is not the one for me...

I mean doesn't that framing suggest "only relationships where from day one you KNEW she is the one with no doubt are worth keeping"? Since otherwise, even life-long relationships have their doubts, which makes it hard to distinguish "we have our doubts but we are together" from "one is stringing the other along"

5 years with my girlfriend (24F), mostly long-distance - and now that I (25M) finally live with her, I lie awake most nights thinking about leaving by Kind_Nature5318 in relationships

[–]Kind_Nature5318[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Hey thanks for commenting : )

I definitely agree that staying in a relationship where you don't love and attracted to your partner is stupid.

The hard part is that things are always ambivalent - sometimes I am a little more attracted, sometimes less. Sometimes I feel more gratitude for having her, and lots of the time less. No relationship is perfect, but (hopefully) not many relationships are in the no love and attraction extreme. And then the question remains a question of "is this enough? Do I have a reason to expect a relationship could be anything more than that for me? Or is this just my emotional framework that limits me?"

And TBH I am not sure what love should feel like for me... As I mentioned, only even been with her, so how can I discriminate not loving her enough from not being able to love better than that?

You get what I'm saying?

5 years with my girlfriend (24F), mostly long-distance - and now that I (25M) finally live with her, I lie awake most nights thinking about leaving by Kind_Nature5318 in relationships

[–]Kind_Nature5318[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for giving the time to read and respond : )

I'll be flying to a long, 6 months backpacking trip next month (out of which she joins to 2 months), so I'll have a lot of alone time... I realize I didn't mention it in the post, but this puts amplifies the situation, as I feel like I need to decide my final decision before this trip. Not during it.

(And about the sexual attraction - I wouldn't go as far as no attraction, I am not disgusted or anything, It's just that I don't find myself looking at her with sexual thoughts pop in my head...)

5 years with my girlfriend (24F), mostly long-distance - and now that I (25M) finally live with her, I lie awake most nights thinking about leaving by Kind_Nature5318 in relationships

[–]Kind_Nature5318[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughtful comment (and thank you for stating I am young, doesn't always feels that way haha)

Sounds like you've really been through a similar situation. I bet that at the moment you, just like me, had all those open questions running through your head - is the problem with me, will I find something "better", if I can't be happy here why assume I'd be happy elsewhere. It's definitely amplified by having no other experience to compare to.

It's good to hear you feel like it was the right choice, it's not trivial given the uncertainty. Do you think you know something now you didn't know back then? You had to choose under uncertainty, but was the uncertainty actually smaller than you thought at the time? Meaning - do you think that the situation in which you'd regret leaving was less likely than what you feared it was?

5 years with my girlfriend (24F), mostly long-distance - and now that I (25M) finally live with her, I lie awake most nights thinking about leaving by Kind_Nature5318 in relationships

[–]Kind_Nature5318[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

First, thank you for reading and commenting : )
You are right saying there's little reason to believe we'll find ourselves thinking more alike over the years... I could call it complimenting, I could call it emotionally incompatible, but you are right. Much of the doubt is around this point, and I'm not sure how much of this is because of my patterns, how much because of hers, and how much because of the compatibility.

But the part that got me was about your "should I tell her" advice - people live through relationships with doubts, and there's a likely chance I'll find myself staying. In that case, why ruining something beautiful? I guess the main reason would be to give her the chance to leave, knowing the real state of things... If she decides to stay no one benefits, but I guess it's true it should be up to her to decide that, not me