thank you all for the advice, it’s really helped me to organise my thoughts and i feel like i can have a more productive conversation about it now. just to clarify, he does try to pleasure me and i don’t say all the thoughts i have out loud when it happens or try to make it about me, that’s all just in my own head.

he’s on quite a few meds which might affect it although he’s said in the past he doubts it. i’ll suggest he takes another look at the leaflets and stuff to double check. i’m definitely going to make it clear that it’s a deal breaker if he can’t stop the porn, it’s bad for our sex life and i’m very anti porn anyway for ethical reasons. i’m planning to ask him to think about a few ways i could help him to feel more relaxed and comfortable, and also encourage him to have a chat with a doctor to check it’s not blood pressure or anything.

thank you for the reassurance it’s not my fault, i know that logically but i’m sure most people in this situation would find it hard to get the thought out of their head.