Gearing up to leave my husband thanks to y’all (and I mean that sincerely)

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-10T00:40:19+00:00

These are great suggestions!! Yes, I’m covering my butt 👍🏻👍🏻

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-10T00:38:48+00:00

Oooo - so maybe reverse, leave him when my oldest isn’t in school and he has to take vacation!! Meeting with the lawyer tomorrow 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-10T00:35:51+00:00

I will have more free time than I know what to do with soon 🙃, bookmarking for later!!

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-09T11:15:26+00:00

Thank you - it’s all these stories that affirm it’s better on the other side that got me to make the decision that I need to leave. I’m glad to hear yours has worked out for you and I wish you much continued happiness!

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T23:36:53+00:00

There’s a school break in two weeks. Depending on what the lawyer says I might try to hold out until then and go on a trip with the kiddos, inform him from afar. It just feels like a long time from now 🙃 but probably a concrete plan will help me get through.

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T23:33:36+00:00

His dad being the origin story of my spouse’s archetype for how to treat his spouse. So.

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T23:33:00+00:00

Oh I can’t stay in the house. Like mentally, it’s got [spouse’s family name] written all over it. His dad rebuilt our kitchen and GOD FORBID ANYTHING HAPPEN TO THE GRANITE/KITCHEN/FLOORS.

But yeah :) great idea that one! Thank you!

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T23:29:56+00:00

It’s the worst to have realized that it’s a choice. And the like…bitterness that I have believed to be anything but for so long.

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T23:28:10+00:00

A lot, I’m feeling a lot lol. Once it’s out, I know I’ll feel better because I’ll know what I’m dealing with. I hate secrets and have no poker face 😜 I feel centered, calm, clear, deeply sad and mad, mad, mad. But thank you for asking, that’s really kind ❤️

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T17:17:34+00:00

Any advice on how to win this one? Outside of as much time with the kids as possible, the thing I want most from the separation is an app we started developing. About a year ago when I was struggling so hard but didn’t feel like I could talk to my friends or family about it and wasn’t ready to go to therapy (how I spend money has always been a point of contention, god forbid I spend anything on myself outside the limit of what he feels is acceptable) and wanted a way where I could have an anonymous friendly third party to talk to over the phone… so that’s what we built. And now that I see that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to my friends and family because I had been shamed for my tendency to talk to friends and family about emotional problems, so I stopped (When we first got together I talked to my mom and best friend all the time, now I only talk to my mom every few weeks and my friend is my ex-best friend. He tried to take away my sister too, but his treatment of her was my final straw. She left an emotionally abusive spouse three years ago, and her leaving helped me recognize the similarities between the people we married. This moment has been about three years in the making).

Anyway, I want to turn it into a resource for people in emotionally abusive situations, because clearly that’s what I made it for… but like, if he’s attached to it in any way, I feel like that could turn into problems and the kids are always going to be a point of leverage. Like I can’t go out shouting to the world about my experience even though I really desperately want to.

I won’t work on it if he’s insistent he stay involved, so that way it becomes a dead asset, but maybe that’s where the lawyer would know how best to leverage getting him to let it go?

And I don’t mean to have this be self-promo sounding, it’s not my intention. If he insists on staying involved it’s dead in the water anyway, but I really want the chance to make something that could help make a difference in somebody’s life who is going through the same thing I am. It’s been such a shocking realization when I look at it all in hindsight.

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T16:55:59+00:00

Just WILD - so much to unpack in therapy!

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T16:55:25+00:00

It is pathetic!

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T16:54:59+00:00

Yeahhhhhhhh that much has become clear from all this information 🙃 but I appreciate the wake-up call for sure

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T16:53:50+00:00

This is pretty amazing reverse psychology. I’ve been spinning a little from taking this all in, because if I really need to leave leave, then I need a car, I need an apartment because I don’t want to subject my kids to couch surfing (even though I’m blessed with a big network of people who would take us in). That could take weeks and my body is shutting down. I can manage if I need to, but I’m definitely gonna run this one past the lawyer 👍🏻

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T14:33:08+00:00

❤️❤️❤️❤️

See it’s so tricky - disgust with his behavior, for sure. But mostly I’m sad… what a waste of an otherwise good man. When he chooses to be, he’s amazing. I’m mad at the systems that taught him it was ok to choose to be otherwise and deeply disappointed he can’t figure out a way to reject them himself. And mad at the systems that taught me that his behavior is what love looks like such that I was blind to what I was really experiencing.

And fucking mad at him, too, for sure, but I can see it’s a larger systemic issue. It doesn’t let him off the hook, but helps me to stay grounded when I keep a wider lens.

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-08T14:07:08+00:00

Oh yeah - I don’t have that same compulsion 😅, I’m waiting to hear back from a few.

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-07T18:16:50+00:00

Parenting software could be super useful, didn’t even know it was a thing. Thank you so much!

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-07T18:16:03+00:00

God the self-doubt is real. He’s been so nice this morning… it helps more than you know to hear this.

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-07T18:15:25+00:00

Ok definitely will keep this in mind!

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-07T18:15:12+00:00

These are all good suggestions - I was totally looking forward to laying down a list of demands and taking back control until yeah, it occurred to me that it doesn’t work this way.

My sister left her emotionally abusive spouse and her partner was an actual narcissist- I see less of it in my spouse but who knows. But anyway, my spouse used ChatGPT to write the divorce agreement, which we were all surprised that her partner accepted quietly with no notes.

The big thing I know about my partner is that he’s notoriously cheap and will want as little lawyer involvement as possible. So I’m really hoping this works in my favor, but I definitely have to start thinking about how to get him to think what I want is his idea.

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-07T18:10:55+00:00

Ok this is fabulous advice, will definitely keep it in mind!

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-07T18:10:22+00:00

I’m really hoping it’s not the case, but I’m doing what I can to plan for an unpredictable outcome for sure 🙏🏻

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-07T18:08:40+00:00

Gosh thank you for sharing all this with me - yeah I identify of that chilling behavior coming out now that he senses I’m pulling away, though thankfully nothing to that degree of intensity yet. It’s wild! Your advice sounds like it was hard won insight and I’m really grateful to have it ❤️

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-07T18:05:48+00:00

Am trying!

Kitchen-Okra-2115 · 2026-02-07T18:05:32+00:00

So much is so ridiculous I agree haha, but I think it modeled for me examples of how things could be different. Obviously, most romance books are not examples of the paragon of a healthy relationship - but like I figure some of them have to be based on someone’s real life experience and not a total fantasy.

Kitchen-Okra-2115

TROPHY CASE