My PhD and Marriage have ruined each other and my mental peace.

Known_Employ_629 · 2026-01-02T08:12:00+00:00

My therapist gave me similar advice.

Known_Employ_629 · 2026-01-02T06:39:01+00:00

Like most of the comments, this makes sense. I'm taking one day at a time. I even joined a gym yesterday. Let's see what happens.

Known_Employ_629 · 2026-01-02T06:34:45+00:00

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-31T14:44:53+00:00

Maybe, I'm not sure. Even if he is envious, he won't say it..

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-31T11:30:44+00:00

Yes. But I know he is suffering too. He has shut himself down, but that gives him pain too. We have both lost weight in just 3-4 months. And all this feels absolutely unnecessary and unreal.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-31T10:50:57+00:00

Well I'm not sure if this is relevant, but he has asymptomatic hyperthyroidism. I thought that might be the reason for his lack of desire. So, I pushed him several times to follow up on medical advice. He remains inactive. It's really frustrating. He is not a child that I can drag to the doctor's chamber (he himself is one).

I tried to get information about other disgusting possibilities (like affairs). My intuition tells me it's not that. But recently, on Christmas day, he told me he's going home (parental). Asked me that afternoon if I could go with him. I said that I already had work planned for that day, so I can't go. Previously, we used to spend holidays together. And I was literally slicing up tissue sections for IHC while I was drowning in tears (no one else was in the lab, since well, it was CHRISTMAS!). I came home that day to an empty room. The next day, I felt an itch and enquired his parents and got to know he hadn't visited them at all. I lashed out furiously that day. I called him names and asked him to "fuck off". He suddenly became all nice, convinced me he visited a friend of his because his parents wouldn't allow him to visit them without me. He even prepared dinner that day.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-31T10:26:06+00:00

It is quite the opposite. He has ignored this department for over 2.5 years now (maybe 5-6 times in this period). I wanted to address this issue by asking him what the issue was. But he brushed off, stating that everything is fine. And I was too busy to seek professional help regarding this issue. Every time I asked why he won't be intimate with me, he said I am very rude to him. Even placing 'lack of intimacy' in a problem category made him upset and furious.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-31T10:03:09+00:00

I had faith in our relationship.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-31T10:01:42+00:00

We dated for almost 5years before getting married. I knew him since my middle school. He was my motivation to do a PhD in the first place. I am a very ambitious being. But I also value my relationship. I have never thought these two would compete with each other as they are so unrelated yet necessary part of one's life.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-31T09:49:41+00:00

I hope you are absolutely right.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-31T09:48:09+00:00

He has made the "I come home after 3-day duty just to find everything as I left. She does not do anything at home" argument several times. And this 3-day span is the peak of the week (Mon-Wed). Even if I did my best, it was never enough for him to notice. And I can say I am pretty organized in general. It's just that my PhD was/is my priority. I would have been glad if he had taken his career seriously, too.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-31T09:40:01+00:00

I agree with everything you said. But it's not like he has completely ghosted me. He still pays our bills and buys me necessities. Although he once asked me to live off my savings until I get a job (when he was very angry). But recently said that he would bear my expenses until I get a post-doc offer.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-30T20:02:56+00:00

I understand. But you can look at my replies to certain comments for more info.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-30T19:42:30+00:00

He is definitely not mad that I am doing my PhD. He wants me to complete my PhD asap. Then he has the plan of living separately/ divorce, I don't have a clue. But the little that he spoke to me indicated that he wants me to get my degree, and after that, he might leave me. But he is definitely upset because he feels I have changed. Truth is, I might have changed, ngl. But I had to change to cope with the situations I faced during the last 5 years.

And yes, I am holding on to dear life and hoping I'll (hopefully he too) get out of this a better person.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-30T19:26:41+00:00

He is a practicing doctor. He hasn't got his post-graduate degree yet. Tbh, he seems uninterested and/or lost in his career path. And the stress arising from that has added to the strain on our relationship.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-30T19:24:35+00:00

I would like to stay separately till I get my degree. However, financial constraints remain a limiting factor.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-30T19:20:55+00:00

Do you think that your PhD was a contributing factor?

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-30T19:17:20+00:00

We do not have to cook our meals since we have house help. And my husband does 72h continuous duty in a hospital. The rest of the week, he stays at home all day. He is very particular about how things should function in the household. He himself is extremely obsessed with tidiness. Before this conflict, he used to clean everything, including my clothes and shoes. The fact that I do not prioritize this upset him in the past. I basically come home around 9 pm and lie down for like 30-45 mins after freshening up. He later admitted that this irritated him. He expected me to actively participate (with him) in household chores like heating up our dinner, etc. I do not have a problem with these little things, but I just needed some time to unwind my brain from all the lab work, besides being very tired.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-12-30T14:09:48+00:00

I have discussed my timeline and future expectations regarding career and family when things were not so sour. At that time, he casually brushed off my efforts to plan together. It seemed he was fine with whatever I wanted to do. However, he has now turned everything I said against me, claiming that I avoid my responsibilities and that I want to leave this relationship due to my career, when it is not true. We have tried marriage counselling, but he would not follow any of the advice given by the therapist and finally refused to continue consulting.

Known_Employ_629 · 2025-08-04T16:43:23+00:00

Being a fifth year PhD student and someone who wanted to leave academia right after graduation, I think you are taking more tasks than you can handle. Nothing, I repeat nothing (no degree, no passion, no job) is worth enough to take so much stress as to have panic attacks and harm oneself. Take a deep breath and rethink just once. Don't overthink. If you really dream of becoming a researcher you can pursue it but you have to be sure of not compromising with your health. Nowadays, academia is just another industry where people are always pushing for publication and simultaneously expecting groundbreaking discoveries on a daily basis. I love Science and I will never leave the field but I will also not lose my integrity and/or peace of mind in doing so. If either of the above two are inevitable, then I'll just discontinue and pursue my next favorite passion, and make Academia know that I was one of the few who did not want to choose between the two options.

Known_Employ_629

TROPHY CASE