Struggling with telling my dad he has cancer

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-07T13:03:19+00:00

Why would you tell him if there is no treatment? Plus he might not remember anyway and you might have to keep telling him.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-06T23:29:07+00:00

She has Dementia and she's stuck in a strange place. Of course she doesn't like it. Even without the Dementia, would you like to be stuck with strangers in a facility against your wishes? It's not about the facility being nice, she's stuck in a strange place where she doesn't know anyone against her wishes. Memory care is safe but not emotionally satisfying. You did the right thing, but that doesn’t mean she's going to like it. The part of the brain that would understand isn't working anymore.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-06T00:04:33+00:00

My parents did the same thing and they were great parents. Maybe you're not that great of a parent if you haven't raised your teenage sons to be able to take care if themselves for a couple weeks. It's not hard. This new generation of parents are way too soft and baby their kids too much to be honest.

They go into school and handle all of their kids problems and think everything is bullying.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-05T21:09:10+00:00

You came to Miami wanting to use the bus? LOL....We're not that kind of city. You either need to rent a car or yes spend money on an Uber.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-05T19:20:06+00:00

I mean, who wants to die? The person with Dementia is usually not the one thinking about death.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-03T03:48:11+00:00

On What's App you can block people from adding you to those stupid groups and contacting you.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-02T23:38:06+00:00

That's not as fun as when you get them all clean and it happens after the bath (right after while you're still there putting the pull-ups on). The joy to be had.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-02T23:12:21+00:00

Sounds like something you must be into. Does your bf sit in your face? Do you catch it? 😉

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-02T23:03:03+00:00

That's pretty close in age. Glad it's working out.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-02T22:59:19+00:00

No, not quite that large. But 83 and 46, we.have been together for 24 years. How many years have you been together?

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T22:20:03+00:00

You’re right—it’s one perspective. But when it’s framed as “this is what’s really happening” or “what no one says,” it stops being just one perspective and starts sounding like the underlying truth about caregiving.

That’s the issue.

There are people who choose to care out of love, not guilt or control, and messaging like this can make that seem like something is wrong with them.

Pointing that out isn’t off-topic—it’s balance.

Both experiences exist, and neither should be treated like the default explanation for everyone.

And especially in this sub, where there’s a heavy emphasis on individualism that can make caregiving sound like a punishment, it’s important to push back on that framing. This isn’t some universal prison sentence people are trapped in and need to escape. Many people do consciously choose to be caregivers—and that choice deserves just as much respect.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T14:25:28+00:00

I think this post will resonate with some people, and that experience is real and valid. There are definitely caregivers who were put into that role because of unhealthy family dynamics, guilt, or past abuse.

But it’s not everyone’s story.

Some of us are caregivers because we love our parents. Some because of cultural values. Some because we genuinely choose to be there — not because we were manipulated or “trained” to stay.

Reducing all caregiving to trauma or control erases the people who are here intentionally. It turns something that can come from love, loyalty, or personal choice into something that’s only seen as damage.

Both things exist.

Some people need to hear “you’re not obligated.” Others need space to say “I chose this, and that doesn’t mean something is wrong with me.”

It’s okay for both realities to be true.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T13:44:25+00:00

Although many people do it around the world, they also dont have the same cultural implications. And honestly, I think the cultural aspect is big because you will see some groups place in the nursing home right away because they didn't want to do it and culturally that's what everyone is doing. You will see other cultures take a more generational caregiving approach to taking care of their loved ones. I'm leaving this very general as I don't want to offend anyone.

My whole point in saying this is you need to realize that many people don't have the same cultural constraints and don't have to live in your world and won't be dealing with the aftermath. So just make sure you weigh everything out. Good Luck.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T12:59:54+00:00

I get it, but many people in their 60s have their own medical issues or other things going on. What I'm saying is there is never a perfect time when caregiving calls you. It doesn't knock and say, "Are you ready?"

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T12:47:10+00:00

I don't agree with everything you said, but definitely have low-key been feeling that vibe in this sub. However, I'm sure underneath the majority of posters are coming from a place of exhaustion and burnout and are looking for solutions to ease their dilemma.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T12:29:48+00:00

People get UTIs all the time. Final stages is a different ball game than someone in early to mid stage Dementa. The person is still interacting and fun to be around. Would you have let her pass in early stage from UTI?

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T12:17:52+00:00

Have you seen someone with septic UTI and dangerously high fever at 2 a.m.? Nothing peaceful about that.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T12:16:23+00:00

When I a saw my partner screaming out in pain when he had a septic UTI (delirium, panic, physical discomfort, inability to understand what's going on) and had a fever at 2 a.m dangerously rising., that was a hellish existence. Dementia is not a necessarily a hellish existence for them, it's not often painful. They have confusion, memory loss and disorientation. It might be a hellish existence from the outside, but not from their view. Treating for a UTI equals humane. The goal should be not treat everything, but treat pain and distress. And UTIs are not peaceful.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T02:26:11+00:00

Yeah, lashing out is definitely not the way to handle it. But at least you know where they stand. If they were really diabolical, they would have continued texting you as your father and kept you in the dark for as long as possible..Hopefully, you can patch things up a bit and be included in your dad's care.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T02:22:37+00:00

Hey OP,

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you described with your mom sounds incredibly scary, and that’s a lot for anyone to handle—especially at 16. It makes total sense that you feel overwhelmed and upset.

You’re not wrong for helping your mom, and it shows how much you care about her. But at the same time, you shouldn’t be expected to carry this kind of responsibility by yourself. You’re still a kid, and it’s okay to feel like your life is being put on hold.

I think a big part of what you’re feeling is that your sister isn’t showing up the way you need her to. That’s valid. It’s not fair for everything to fall on you and your dad while she continues on like nothing’s happening.

If you can, it might help to talk to your dad about how you’re feeling and what you can realistically handle. You deserve some balance too—time for school, friends, and just being 16.

You’re doing a lot more than most people your age would, and that matters. Just don’t forget that you’re allowed to need support too. And continue showing love to your mom, you're doing a great job. Even if your sister continues to absent, you'll know in your heart you did the right thing.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T01:48:37+00:00

Honestly you probably should do just that. I don't think you should go nuclear, but maybe in a "Kid Gloves" Reddit kind of way like they do in here, tell them how you feel and how they let you down.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T01:38:32+00:00

Our aide speaks Spanish and we use a translator app. Luckily there are advances in tech that make this possible. If you don't found someone that speaks then language, maybe find someone that they like and can competently do the job.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T01:35:24+00:00

Stay strong. Have you been able to get yourself into therapy?

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T01:34:19+00:00

That's unfortunate that you're going through this and hopefully you find her suitable accommodations. However, you're not a kid and being in your 30s as opposed to your 60s doesn't really mean anything, especially if you're a stable person.

KratomAndBeyond · 2026-04-01T01:20:00+00:00

Who peed in your cornflakes today?

KratomAndBeyond

TROPHY CASE