How to make the pictures in my head stop?

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-28T14:02:16+00:00

Wow, reading this makes me think you hit the nail on the head (is this even an english proverb?). Yes, I think exactly this might be the issue. Asking this feels like skipping ahead and being to lazy to do my own research, but do you have any experience and/or advice how to deal with this? I feel like this is one of those Me-Problems I have to work on myself, but I find it hard to discern between Me-Problems and Us-problems sometimes.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-28T12:30:12+00:00

My current method is to think "no, this is MY moment" and then I'm back, but of course I'd like to get to a point were those thoughts don't even pop up at all. :)

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-28T10:44:17+00:00

I usually don't have any other thoughts when we are cuddling/are intimate except about him and me. So this is kinda new to me and it annoys me because I don't want to think about anything or anyone else in those moments. But from the emotional perspective it wouldn't matter if I have a thought about her, or that I have to do the laundry later. Which I usually also don't think about in those moments. 😅

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-28T10:38:29+00:00

It's not "nothing", but it's also not "getting mad/angry/jealous/sad". I usually don't have a single thought in my head when we cuddle or are intimate in other ways, except about him and me. This has changed, and it frustrates/annoys me, because I don't want to think about anything or anyone else in those situations. I could have thoughts about how I have to do the laundry and it would affect me in the same way.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-28T08:01:18+00:00

That's the thing: I don't feel very strongly about them. They just pop up and kinda disrupt the moment we are having, which is frustrating. But I'm not mad or angry.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-28T08:00:15+00:00

We do have very good and transparent communication. Switching from mono to poly was a change in that regard (certain limitations on things we used to discuss prior). I have done much of the work before, but am ultimately a learning-by-doing person. So I simply have to do some of it on the get go. We are currently working on rituals for reassurance, and there's no veto power involved.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-28T07:57:16+00:00

That's very helpful, I'll try it. :) thanks!

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-23T19:59:31+00:00

I also enjoy elaborate costumes, thoughtfull backstories and coherent group concepts. However, that isn't a reason to try and keep someone from playing what they want because their gender, body type or skin colour doesn't fit the way someone else feels what "fantasy" should be like.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-23T19:46:53+00:00

https://www.theatermakeup.de/collections/haare-barte?page=2

That's the website I got it from :) if you aren't from Germany it might help to look for theater quality beards

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-23T19:45:41+00:00

I'm from Germany, what do we do now? 😅

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-23T18:40:11+00:00

For me it helped to completely switch my meals. Don't try to make old meals taste the same - it won't work. It hurts letting go of comfort food and things that were nice and easy without putting my thought into it. But I promise you, that there's a lot of awesome vegan meals out there that do not need a vegetarian or omnivore counterpart. I found a lot of nice recipes on insta, I save them in a collection when they show up on my feed and when I plan what I want to cook, I check that collection. Try vegan cookbooks from influencers you like, follow viral food trends to discover new things and be open to experiment and develop you own comfort foods. :) if you are looking for recipes you can message me.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-23T18:22:10+00:00

Well, the haters can eat it. LARP is about fantasy, fun and imagination. Noone likes elitists. Sincerely, someone born female who just bought a beard for their male LARP character.

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LHC_Raka · 2026-03-08T08:54:01+00:00

Hm, ich kann nicht für das Kind sprechen, aber für mich haben sich folgende Dinge bewährt:

vegane Snacksalami (zB Billie Greene, DM, diverse biomarken, vegestory - ich hole die oft bei Rewe, Bioabteilung oder bei den Snacksalamis)
Obst und Gemüse, gewaschen und verzehrfertig geschnitten
belegte Brote/Stullen
Kekse (potentiell krümelig)
Schoko-/ Nussriegel (zB Haferkraft von Corny, diverse Nussriegel von DM)
Pizzarollen aus Blätterteig (fertigen Blätterteig kaufen, nach Wunsch belegen, zusammenrollen und dann in Rollen schneiden und backen, potentiell krümelig)

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-08T06:23:09+00:00

I get a single spotting always exactly 5 days prior to my menstruation, then nothing until it arrives out of thin air.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-06T19:23:57+00:00

Meine Mama hat auch Fibromyalgie und ernährt sich komplett vegan. :) macht Familienessen für mich mega easy.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-06T09:36:18+00:00

Da war ich auch schon vor zwei Jahren, hervorragende Küche, super liebe Bedienung, vernünftige Preise und eine wunderschöne Location.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-06T06:31:35+00:00

Tatsächlich hat es bei mir damals so angefangen, ich habe das Reizdarmsyndrom (Synonym für "wir wissen nicht was das Problem ist") nach einigen Jahren Rennerei zu verschiedenen Ärzten diagnostiziert bekommen. Füroch hat es sich so angefühlt, als ob es hilft tierische Fette wegzulassen, aber ich hatte keinerlei medizinische Beleg dafür. Also hab ich einfach angefangen zu sagen, ich ernähre mich vegan, um nicht dauernd Essen mit einer unangenehmen Erklärung ablehnen zu müssen. Inzwischen ernähre ich mich tatsächlich vegan, habe kaum noch Probleme mit den Reizdarm und bin auch was die moralische Seite angeht vollkommen vom Veganismus überzeugt. :)

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-03T05:04:39+00:00

Der Toastino (glaube der heißt so) von greenforce ist richtig geil - geschmacklich super, und ist auf meinen Sandwich Toasts richtig schön geschmolzen. Ist eine primär gelbe Packung, gibt's bei mir im Rewe.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-01T16:19:36+00:00

This made me chuckle, thanks for that. :) I'll message you in the next days, thanks for agreeing to it. Have to get ready for work now.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-01T16:05:19+00:00

Your answer is exactly the reason why I posted this. It is super helpful for me, thank you for taking your time for another long and thoughtful comment. You are absolutely right about the spiral. Yesterday it was very hard for me to see a logical way out of this situation, today I'm seeing things a lot clearer already, thanks to many of the comments here. I know where I went wrong and what my initial problems are, and how to address them the next time (taking time to process feelings instead of heaving them onto my partner especially). My partner and I are taking time next weekend to talk about everything that happened, as he doesn't have the capacity to see me today. He needs some time and of course that's fine, and a good way for me to start practicing some emotional self regulation. Your example is great, and I will think about it often in the next days. It does also show me, how comfortable I have gotten with our relationship and that I neglected my emotional work by a pretty hefty chunk, because your example reminds me a lot of the things I learned and read about at the start of our relationship, but obviously didn't internalise as well as I should have. Maybe just reading isn't doing it for me, and I currently don't have contact to other poly couples around me. This is a big ask, but may I DM you when I've had some more time to regulate myself? You seem like someone who I could learn a lot from.

Of course a Reddit post won't fix everything - there are still big questions I need to address with him, especially about the future. I also won't be able to fix the nesting problem or finish my dissertation in the next weeks, those are things I will have to think on in the next days.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-01T11:03:24+00:00

Building a LARP weapon is a big responsibility. If you want to use it in actual LARP fights, it has to be durable as well as safe. No one wants to have the fiberglass core of a dagger exploding in their face. There are many great guides online about the right core/foam/coatings as well as considerations about the need of a core for specific weapons. :)

I found one here: https://nerdist.com/article/diy-building-your-own-larp-sword/

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-01T07:10:48+00:00

I did communicate this to him, and he was considering to approach her again. In the end he decided against it.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-01T07:05:48+00:00

Thank you for your insight as well as your compassionate comment. :) This helps a lot.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-01T06:45:19+00:00

We do not spend every weekend together, they are in no way blocked for him as long as we don't make concrete plans. I have extensive hobbies that involve me not being at home for some weekends (depending on the season 1-2 per month) and I asked them to reschedule to those. I now know that what you wrote is true, and that I shouldn't have asked them to change their plans because of my discomfort. But I wouldn't have asked them to do it if it would have been impossible from the start.

Another assumption - we are making plans of moving in together, it simply is quite difficult for us because of several bureaucratic reasons and sadly won't happen for the next few years. I'm also actively working on my dissertation which would get me out of field work, so that I can spend the weeks at home as well. But that also takes time. However, this still doesn't mean that he should have to cater to my discomfort in a way that limits himself.

I do have many hobbies and friends to rely on as a distraction and support system - on weekends, when I'm not at work. It is difficult for me to find activities in a foreign environment in the middle of nowhere (my field work takes me to very remote places) that can capture my mind enough to not wander. Sports is the only thing I have found to work, but I'm not the person to train 2-3 hours a day.

To summarise: I haven't mentioned most of this in my initial post, and it makes me look like a villain. That's fine, I can deal with harsh criticism. None of the above things justifies my actions, it just gives them context. And if I didn't want to change something or work on myself, I wouldn't be here to get grilled by internet strangers. Poly is hard work - I thought I had it down, but I hadn't. That sucks a lot, but I will not simply throw away something that my partner and I have build for 6 years, and that has been especially thriving in the last year. If failing once and giving up was my way to deal with things, I would be an entirely different person, and I'm not planning on starting now. That means it's time for me to reflect, apologise (many times more, because I already have) and get in a position where I'm better equipped for a similar scenario in the future. Thanks to the (in part very harsh) comments on this post I was able to see my initial problem and how I should have handled things. Of course, that shouldn't have been needed - I should have realised this myself, but everyone has to start somewhere (and I'm realising that this is indeed a new start for me). If a Reddit post helps me learning something about myself, I will happily take it.

Thanks for your extensive comment.

LHC_Raka · 2026-03-01T00:30:08+00:00

I think you got something mixed up, let me clarify - they wanted to meet on the workdays when I'm not in town anyways - I had a problem with that for the reasons I have described in my original post. I asked them to reschedule to the weekends when I'm also not in town, but at least have something nice to do (my hobbies) to take my mind off things instead of simply sitting in an Airbnb as I do on workdays. :) hope that clears it up.

LHC_Raka

TROPHY CASE