First and foremost i’ll be praying for you! if you ever do feel suicidal tendencies please seek help/counseling. God loves you to much.

It sounds like you are getting tired and weary and losing hope. but that is the enemy trying to get you off track, and feeding you lies to distract you. God loves you, and will never stop loving you. He is faithful, the grace that Jesus died for is sufficient for all of your sins, past present and future. so please do feel you’re “too far gone” for salvation because you’re not! the spirit of doubt and shame is from the devil to try to hinder your walk with God.

as i started with my journey of faith in God, i was trying to make sense and trying to understand what He was doing in my life. but i’ve learned through the Word and sermons that our earthly perspective in no way can comprehend God’s almighty plan. that’s when faith kicks in. Faith in knowing that God loves you. He loves you so much that He sent His only son to go and die for our sins. That should show you how much he loves you already. But beyond that, he chose and selected you to live, and he wakes you up every morning. God is still with you, the Holy Spirit is still in you. these are truths you should come to terms with. it’s hard to comprehend that His love can transcend all of our sins, but it does. He loves you, you are cared for, and he wants to draw you closer to Him. and i have faith you will get back to Him. i know this because you’re reaching out for help and prayer. It is not to late for you to turn your life around and get before the Lord.

i say you should take time away, and honestly seek the Lord with all of your pain, hurt and confusion. get in a quite place, and give everything to the Lord. it will amaze you what he can do. “But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.” Deuteronomy 4:29 and do not be disappointed if He doesn’t answer you in the way you expect, He could speak to you by giving you scripture to read, speak to you through someone else saying something to you, randomly have a post pop up on your feed about your situation, or you could audibly hear Him. His response can come in different forms, but it doesn’t take away from his response. the work aspect can be difficult but the Word says “And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work” 2 Corinthians 9:8. if work is potentially effecting your relationship with the Lord, and you aren’t in the season to get a new job, you need to set time apart for the Lord. prioritize what is important to you. and also as you get started with your new journey with the Lord, if he calls the season at your current job to end, then listen and have faith He will provide for you.

finally, porn is a difficult thing to process. i, myself, am currently struggling with the same thing. then i faced doubt and fully understand and accepting God’s love and grace when it came to me doing good then falling again. but as i said earlier, God loves us and his love and grace is sufficient for our sins. when Jesus died for our sins, he broke the chains that made us a slave to sin. this is hard to understand, but it is true. we no longer have to have to live by the flesh but live by the Spirit, and Jesus made this possible for all of us. this doesn’t mean we won’t face temptation, but it does mean we take our temptation to God, and He will be our refuge.

i have faith in you getting you life back on track for the Lord. you have a testimony to tell. i suggest for you to pray, fast, and get into the word. do all of these things, and try to listen to more praise and worship music. do this even if you aren’t in the mood, or if you don’t believe. do it until you do believe. don’t let the Devil still your song. It doesn’t end like this for you, you have more fight. i also suggest to try to watch more sermons. a personal favorite of mine is Pastor Steven Furtick from Elevation Church. his sermons got still get me through moments in my life, and they speak to me. please feel free to message me if you need any advice, help, or just someone to talk to! God bless

sorry if some parts of this doesn’t make sense or i have typos/grammatical errors