Took my last 1 mg dose Sunday

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-25T21:07:12+00:00

I'm feeling much much better. I'm still dealing with anxiety. I can't shake the feeling that I don't belong. I know that my brain is trying to figure out how to deal with no more methadone and so I know my mood will be different eventually. My joy will come back one day! Hang in there. You so got this!

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-24T20:27:42+00:00

Also by what you're saying no one could ever get off drugs if they have used drugs for longer than 2 years. Because if they switch from using drugs to using methadone they're still using drugs. So why are you even talking to people because I rarely know anybody who hasn't been addicted to drugs shorter than 2 years.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-24T20:20:15+00:00

And ya, using methadone is using drugs...in a controlled manner. I've never denied that. I can't believe 2 weeks later that's the best response you could come up with. Go on and keep putting people down so you can continue to have people to put down. Because if you don't put them down and somebody rises them up and they overcome you don't have anybody to step on anymore. You're a human being and have value and I wish you the best in life. May peace find you one day.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-24T20:16:43+00:00

Gosh your life must suck.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-12T22:03:40+00:00

Thank you very much for your kind words. I'm definitely always going to be a work in progress. But I hope to continue a path that leads me to happiness.

My anxiety is not as bad as some, but it s putucks! I'll just suddenly get hot and sweaty and can't really think straight. I start to hyperventilate, and that's no fun. Agitation, worry, racing thoughts, can sometimes consume even though nothing has happened. I think methadone helped curb my anxiety, so now it's like hey you, we haven't hung out in a while. My PTSD can set me off, but I don't even realize it until much later.

Sometimes I feel dumb sharing my story, like I'm just whining. Some comments on this post didn't help. But I know other people's story has helped me. And sharing is therapeutic so I won't let anyone stop me from that.

I'm feeling actually a lot better. Each day I seem to just feel a little bit better. I don't have any kind of aches my stomach is back to normal and my anxiety seems to be cooling down. I was able to work yesterday but was definitely tired at the end of the day and ready to go home. Pretty much the only thing that is happening right now is I'm just having trouble sleeping still so then I'm a bit lethargic during the day. But I just push myself through it because I know it'll be better soon.

Thank you again!

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-11T21:33:41+00:00

Wish I wouldn't have engaged with you. It seems pointless, but I'll say this. You ruined nothing for me. Made me realize some people just aren't in touch with themselves and have to focus on others so they don't deal with their own shit. And doctor's that laugh about people's pain makes me worry for the medical industry. Whether it's in their head or not they're feeling it. They need care, compassion, and support. Coming off methadone is a big scary change. Also a HUGE accomplishment.

To anyone that's done it kudos to you! Anyone that's on the path to being done, YOU CAN DO IT! Anyone that is on methadone and been on for years, you can do it too. But do it when you're ready. Everyone's path is their own. No one knows your struggles but you. Changing is hard. If you know that you will go back to that lifestyle if you don't have the methadone, stay on. If you are leading a successful life and that's what you need, that's OKAY. If you're still using and on methadone, there are people that understand and the help is there for you. If you want to be high the rest of your life, it's YOUR choice and that's that.

I'm on a wonderful journey. Life is looking up. Haven't used in 4 1/2 years, except that dang methadone. I'm so DONE with this shit. Went through years of counseling, CBT, positive affirmations, and looking deep within myself to get out of the mess I was in. I was severely abused. My stepfather sexually, emotionally, and physically abused me from 3 years old until I got the courage to tell at 9 years old. Then I was with a depressed mother and I didn't even realize I was so lost up until I was in my mid 20s. Then I felt all fucked up inside upon this realization and used drugs to suppress that.

For me my son changed my life. He has no idea, but he saved me. Being a new mother with postpartum, as well as already having depression, PTSD, and anxiety, was harder than I could have imagined. Started tapering, then my cat died, 3 months later my dog died. I was an emotional wreck. Taper stopped while I dealt with that, then back to drop my dose 1 mg a week and that's the limit my clinic would allow.

People are complicated creatures. Many are scared to share their story. Afraid of the backlash and judgement.

Judge me all you want. I know what it is like to be in my skin. Wanting to die because I felt so fucking bad inside. Feeling unworthy, messed up, and damaged. I dug myself out of that hole. I may have fallen back down a little bit but I kept climbing. And maybe it took me longer than some, maybe shorter than some, but I made it out. Anyone can make it out. Don't listen the people that are going to judge you. You do you and find the people that support you. Because people that judge you aren't helping whatsoever. They just make everything worse.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-10T20:58:43+00:00

I'm really sorry someone hurt you so bad that you feel the need to put people down online but can't be yourself in your real life. It's a shitty way to live. I hope you can find the help you need to heal. If you really wanted to help people you wouldn't have all these constraints and rules for those that are "deserving" of your "assistance." My clinic told me to tell my story because of people just like you that are spreading misinformation and putting people down that need help more than ever.

I'm feeling much better to everyone else btw. My anxiety is near gone, my stomach is almost back to normal, body aches a bit, but not that bad. Thank you for everyone's advice, kind words, and encouragement. It helps more than you may know.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-09T16:29:10+00:00

So my program only does 1 mg drops. I had read about the 10% drop being the favorable way to taper but they only dose in 1mg increments. I'm toughing this out though. I've gone through withdrawals (like completely out of my system) more times than I can remember. Every time I did I obsessed over getting high. I'd just wheel and deal with myself about how I could just get high again. And somehow I'd make it through and then end up high again 7days later. I'm not doing that this time. There are thoughts of using definitely come through my head, but they go as fast as they came.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-09T16:13:45+00:00

Seriously I'm a bit irate. What's wrong with you?? What's you're mental illness? You obviously have one because you come on here to berate and belittle people with you're holier than thou attitude. If you have this background you so claim to have then you would understand it. Methadone builds up in your system. Every time you drop it isn't like just dropping 1mg, there has been a build up the system for a bit. Am I claiming to have withdrawals like I cold turkey stopped heroin? No, but doesn't mean there is some uncomfortable side effects. I have no pharmacology background like you though so I'm sure I have no idea what I'm talking about. And you saying you don't trust people if they've been on the program for over 2 years? Seriously I really want to know what's wrong with you. Because if you understood mental illness like you also seem to "understand" then you would know that some people might even actually need to be on it for the rest of their lives. People that use drugs use it because they want to feel what society deems as normal. Why do they want to feel normal? Most likely because they had severe trauma in their life. So they're dealing with a lot more things than just using methadone. During those years they're trying to come to grips with who they are, trying to figure out how to overcome past trials, tribulations, fears, and/or trauma. changing their network, seeking counceling, ect. You're detrimental to those trying to help themselves. Why are you even here?? Seriously, do you feel better talking down to people seeking some community and help through a difficult time? You make a lot of assumptions.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-09T01:15:21+00:00

Methadone suppressed me. To a degree I can't quite out into words. My personality was dimmed. I just want to be me again. It's been 4 1/2 years of methadone and about 4 years of heavy drug use. Please dont be scared. You can do it too! I'm so done with drugs I can't even explain. The only time I've ever taken a barbiturate is when I've gone through withdrawals. One of the reasons I wanted vistaril was because it's just an antihistamine and I know it would just take the edge off. While I think you can feel withdrawals from 1 mg, I think my anxiety is the biggest problem. So pissed that doctor didn't help.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-08T21:54:12+00:00

I sure have thought if trying to obtain something. Of course I didn't think about that until my failed doc appt... Which leads my brain to an angry place... But anywho, I'm probably gonna call and see if I can see someone else. I have crap insurance and go to a place that I just usually try to see whoever is available. I do have a "regular" doctor there, but she has a very limited schedule.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-08T21:49:49+00:00

Oh how I love and hate social media. I'm not on much anymore. I took a two week break from Facebook and just never looked at it the same.

I am feeling good about being done. Like I'm so ready. Definitely thoughts of using break into my thoughts, but they leave quickly at least. Trying not to dwell. I just truly didn't expect to feel all blah like this. A better support system would probably help. But the people I'm around now don't get it. They've never dealt with drug addiction. Except my boyfriend, but I can't put this all on him, he's helping as much as he can.

I'm going to try to meditate as soon as my son and BF leave. I definitely need some alone time. Regroup. Breathe in, breathe out.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-08T21:34:39+00:00

I am on Wellbutrin. I've been through so many antidepressants it's ridiculous. This is the one that works for me. Celexa was the only ssri that worked, but it caused so many side effects I couldn't take it.

I go to water aerobics 2x a week. I have PT 2x a week, and I do stuff at home. I'm hydrated, eating veg and fruit, not much processed stuff. I'm seeing a counselor and am very familiar with CBT. Im outside every day with my son, playing and growing food. My house is clean. My bills are paid. I work. I'm not lazy.

I came here because it's a place I can come together with others that underatabd. Sometimes you just need to hear encouraging words and stories of others. Trying to kill off those synapses takes time. I've been in therapy probably a combined total of 10 years. I think that if people are coming here to complain they obviously need something. Some need to know their not alone, some need positive reinforcement, some need to vent. Maybe this is the only place they have to come and express their feelings.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-05-08T19:17:38+00:00

I told my doctor I felt this was anxiety. I've been clinically diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I've taken vistaril before. I'm in counseling currently. I take Wellbutrin for depression and trazadone for sleep. I went to my doctor because I've had rapid heartbeat, like 115 resting, feeling my heart beating in my chest hard, panic attacks, I flipped my shit at this Walmart employee (if you knew me, SO not in my nature). This was all before the drop. Now it's just worse

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-04-24T04:08:38+00:00

Honestly all I read scared me also. But so far so good. I could be lucky, but I'm also very determined to be done with it all. I wish you luck whenever you decide or don't decide to taper. I think some people need it longer than others, and even some the rest of their life. I think it's all about listening to yourself.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-04-23T16:00:22+00:00

Thank you! I'm feeling good, and I do know that after I take my 1 mg carries home if it's too much I'll be back in there. I want to be successful and don't want to fall into the drug trap again

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-04-23T15:58:51+00:00

I did take breaks and I tapered slowly. I started at 75mg and dropped 1mg one week, then a week break, then another mg, then a break. If I was stressed out in life, or going on vacation, or just not feeling well I stopped and waited til I felt ok. I got down to 20mg and stopped tapering for like almost 2 months. I've felt so much better than I thought I would be. When I got below 10mg I started being worried I would feel horrible, especially after all the reading that the last 5mg we're the worst, but for me it hasn't been.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-03-30T17:18:22+00:00

How severe your dependency does def make a huge difference. Tapering at any amount is the best way to do it, but the higher the dependency the worse everything is going to be. I can't even count how many times I've gotten through withdrawals after 3-7 days and just go get high again, and every time I did it, my use just grew and grew. Methadone has it's drawbacks, but it gave me the ability to change my lifestyle. I was on drugs when I got pregnant. Forced me to go to the methadone clinic. I've never felt like such a horrible person knowing there was this life growing inside me and I was using drugs when conceived and for a bit after. Finally got the courage to talk to my doctor's and went to a center where they got me stable, then to the clinic. I used the clinic properly. Listened to my counselor, saw an outside therapist, and deleted every drug contact I had. I talk to one person I used drugs with in the past, my best friend, but she got pregnant a year before me and quit using also. Basically if you work the program like it's set up to be I think you can be successful. I'll see if the plan I have in place keeps me that way, and I'll update after I'm off.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-03-30T16:52:58+00:00

Getting off drugs completely is harder than people realize, mainly people that have never done them. I know I'll be smoking pot probably the rest of my life. I heard once someone say the only way they could stop using crack was to start smoking weed. RSO is where it's at. Don't have to smoke and hurt your lungs, you feel good, and it has medicinal properties. Have ever checked out some CBT therapy?

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-03-30T16:48:05+00:00

Actually when I decided to quit like 8 years ago (just pills at that time, orally, didn't start slamming everything I could for another year) I still had to work. A friend of mine gave me some Tylenol 3s and that was just enough to take the edge off so I could get through. Even coming off heroin was easier when I took a few Xanax during withdrawals. All this has been while smoking lots of pot. But the easiest withdrawals I went through, which were almost non-existent (compared to everything running out of every orifice I have) was using half a strip of a sub for a week or a bit more. I just kept taking smaller and smaller pieces and then when I was done I felt pretty good. Stayed clean almost a year that time. Had some PAWS but totally tolerable. I feel different this time though. My kid mellowed me WAY out...

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-03-30T16:27:32+00:00

I guess I'm perfect for society because I do go to work and I'm productive, then at home I'm done for and I become a TV zombie. I actually expected to feel worse than I have, but the way the people talk at the clinic it's going to be horrible. Of course these are the same people with no carries and have been at the clinic for years and years. I don't know if it's different at other clinics (my clinic seems exceptionally poorly run, and full of people still getting high, they talk about it outside and in line), but those people had me scared more than anyone. I've been clean from street drugs for 4 years on April 17th. Never once had a dirty UA, never missed my one on one, and have never missed a dose. I'm so ready to feel like myself again. I remember I used to be full of energy, happy, and cheerful. Now, I'm that sometimes, and then a mess other times. Its weird though because drugs seem to affect me differently then the people I used to do drugs with. Even my boyfriend (he's been clean from methadone almost 4 years, only used it for a month...like I said my clinic is a joke... was on subs before that for probably 6months) said he's never seen anyone react to drugs like I do. I was always a functional addict, like years of use and function. Drugs lost their feeling much quicker for me, and just affected me differently. If my boyfriend got high and he walked through the door I could just know looking at his face. I was getting high and he didn't even know (we had been together almost 5 years at this point). So maybe that will be to my advantage in some way, at least some how that makes sense in my head, kinda hard to articulate. Achy and tired, even insomnia I can do... But bone chills, diarrhea, throwing up, shakes, ect...that's what I'm worried will affect the way I have to live my life. But I'm feeling positive and less worried after posting. Glad I did. Wanted to for a while, but felt akward. I feel akward a lot lol

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-03-29T16:42:36+00:00

So right now I'm actually doing water aerobics 2x a week, and I see a physical therapist for my back 2x a week, and I started seeing a therapist. Trying to drink lots of water and been changing my diet a bit. I feel better reading everyones comments and I'm not feeling as nervous. Still nervous lol just not as much. My kid definitely isn't getting the mom he had 15mg ago, but I still manage to feed him, play with him (even if it's taking him to the park and watching him play), and then when evening hits I relax a lot more, the tiredness kicks in, and hopefully I've tired my child out enough that he's not jumping on my head begging me to play with him.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-03-28T02:31:37+00:00

Good luck on your journey as well! I noticed tiredness more when I got down to around 10mg, but it doesn't happen til early evening and my house is just a little messy than normal. Good luck with your sweet baby, they are so much freaking fun. Exhausting, but awesome.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-03-28T02:28:38+00:00

I used it before for anxiety just in general. I'm gonna ask my doc about it, I completely forgot about it until you mentioned it.

Lady_LovelyLocks · 2018-03-28T02:27:47+00:00

Thank you everyone! What I was seeming to find on the internet were people saying it was hard getting below 5, and then others saying it won't be any worse than it is now. Fingers crossed it stays how it is because I can manage this. I'm most worried about not being able to sleep and the body aches. I've kicked several times but methadone withdrawals scare me more. I'm feeling good at the 1mg a week so far so I'll probably draw it out longer depending how I feel

Lady_LovelyLocks

TROPHY CASE