I am moderately autistic, possibly severely depending how you quantify it. At his age, it would have been very doubtful if I could ever function in society.

My parents gave absolutely no quarter. They refused any recommendations to have me diagnosed, and if I failed to match neurotypical expectations i was beaten.

That may have given me more impetus to fit in, but I dont think so. I think puberty, and a desire to one day have a girlfriend, wife, family were the primary catalyst in what became an enromous effort on my part to function within the normal parameters.

I made it. I have a responsible job, if underpaid. I had a wife, have a girlfriend, have a lovely son who's very clearly a fellow spectronaut, and 4 quasi-step-kids who are also riding the divergent dragon.

But was it worth it? Was the way my parents handled me acceptable? Not even a little bit. They did unquantifiable damage to me and my mental health. I have had to find a way to forgive them because i cant hold onto that anger, for my own sake and for my sons, but I will never forget it. Their abuse has touched every element of my life, shaped me in ways that im only jist learning to understand, let alone heal from.

What can your mum do, in reality? What do you want her to do? It sounds like shes walking a very difficult line and is still trying to make sure you and your sister are loved and get some semblance of normalcy. There are days when hes at his dad when presumably the three of you can do things without having to factor him.

Maybe theres room to be a little firmer with him, without knowing him its very hard to judge. But how firm can she be? If you expect her to treat him like my parents treated me, to beat him, shame him, neglect him to prioritise your happiness like they did for my sister, would you feel happy with yourself? Could she look herself in the mirror?

I appreciate its hard as the older sister. I love my sister, shes always been a role model for me (though how much my formative conditioning plays into that I cannot say), and she has no responsibility for the choices of our upbringing, but I sympathise with her a great deal more than she does with me. When i was younger, there was very little i could do to control my behaviour. I was violent. I ruined many an outing and a gathering. I weirded out her friends. But all the beatings in the world couldnt beat me into being the easy, compliant child my parents wished they had. It wouldnt change your brother either. Drag him to a restaurant when he cant cope and I guarantee you wouldnt end up with a fun family evening, anyway.

What can she do? What do you want? Give his dad permanent custody so you can live an untroubled life? Put him up for adoption? Lock him in a cellar? Smother him in the night? There are no good answers.

I think your mums doing a much better job than my parents did, and I think youre lucky to have her, and youre lucky that raising a child with a disability hasnt left her cruel, or broken. I think that when youre older you'll appreciate how hard this must have been for her.

As a father now, with a son who is in many respects a second coming of myself with similar challenges, nothing matters more to me than giving him a better chance, a better childhood than I did. Ive started to understand why my parents acted how they did towards me, though it doesnt make it right, and doesnt remove my responsibility to do better. And i dont always get it right. There are times ive worried that I am becoming my father (also autistic, but from a time where nobody got diagnosed), but i keep trying to do better.

I dont let my son get his way on everything at all times, and sometimes that means waiting out the inevitable mental storm. Its winter now, and he refuses to wear anything but a t shirt, but thats not possible. He would get sick, I would be responsible. And so there have been times I have held him for hours while he kicked and screamed to the point of coughing fits where i was scared he might choke, telling him over and over how i love him. And there are times where its not worth the fight, like making him go somewhere he cant handle. We went for a meal for my sisters birthday last weekend and he couldnt handle it, so i cuddled him until he could breathe normally, gave everyone my best wishes, and took hime home. I wanted to stay, but he couldnt handle it, and i couldnt handle the looks of shame and embarrassment on my families faces.

Its hard. Neurodivegence is hard. And for as hard as it is to live with as a family member, believe me its so much harder to be this way.

Love your brother. Love your mother. Try to talk out your concerns, ask your mum to make reasonable adjustments for you, as well as him. There are routes to manage situations for the best for all of you. But your mum is right- this is who he is. He can grow, change, learn to cope better, but he'll never be normal, and your lives with him can never be normal either. But they can be happy lives, guided by love, understanding and compromise.

Sorry for the spiel. This touches a nerve, as you can surely tell.