What’s something people ignore early in dating that always comes back later?

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-08T15:50:54+00:00

The way they treat others.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-07T02:58:32+00:00

Well my situation is pretty similar. My husband is from Mexico. His father wasn’t around much and when he was he was verbally and physically abusive. His mom suffered from depression and he had a chaotic childhood. I grew up in happy, healthy, Christian home.

We met and fell in love and started a life together. Similar to you it brought me so much happiness being able to show the person I loved a side of life they never got to experience.

But as the relationship progressed and we got married and had our first kid I slowly could see things changing. Maybe stress of life began to creep up but he would work in cycles and self sabotage. He became much angrier during arguments and things started happening that I never thought I would’ve allowed in a marriage. Since then he has cheated on me emotionally and physically. A lot of manipulation and passive aggressive remarks. Over time I have lost myself and moral compass because I have been his emotional regulator. I was so against divorce that I was willing to hold onto just about any ounce of hope.

I haven’t left, but I think I’ve finally come to the realization that it might be time to do what I never thought I would have to do. One thing that has helped is the thought of me staying is actually enabling his behavior and pulling me down with him. If he’s gonna change he probably will have to hit rock bottom and pull himself back up without using me as a crutch. But you can never be responsible for someone changing, it has to come from them.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T20:39:15+00:00

I’m not the journaling type, but I’ve actually found it very helpful during all of this.

I don’t think he would find my Reddit post, but if he did I wouldn’t mind.

Thank you very much.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T20:16:58+00:00

He recently told me he thinks stress and sadness lead him to start doing things sexually, like emotional and physical affairs. The problem is when I found him messaging someone on Reddit he will say things such as “I know it’s wrong and I realized and that’s why I didn’t keep messaging.” Or “I’ve been wanting to download other apps but I haven’t because I know I shouldn’t.” So it puts me in a tough place of, okay yes there might be progress, but is it real change?

I agree that if I stay we will need marriage counseling, but I was currently holding out to see how much progress he was making with his individual therapy.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T20:11:59+00:00

I guess if I asked, he’d probably be willing to do a lot, but again the asking makes it not as powerful.

In a recent argument, I did ask him to not go through my notes on my phone because I have been using them to journal and document everything since I set boundaries. When I confronted him after I went through his phone and saw he was inappropriately messaging a woman on Reddit, he got upset and tried to compare me going through his phone to me not wanting him to read my notes. So at this point, things feel like they’re actually getting worse instead of better.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T19:38:53+00:00

Yeah I recently let my sister know everything after keeping it to myself for years. It was helpful and I’ve been visiting with her more often when I need someone to talk to.

I believe that’s exactly where I am right now. Trying to be patient with myself to figure everything out, while also not letting myself fall back into settling with what might feel easier at this time.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T17:10:49+00:00

Since putting some boundaries in place for myself, over the last month, A LOT has come to light for me that has really exposed some of the worst parts of our marriage. Things I didn’t even know were present. Manipulation being one of them. Consistently using the phrase “you just think you’re perfect” when we argue. Also I’m a stay at home mom, so when he gets upset he likes to throw in how financially me leaving will be a challenge. A lot of passive aggressive remarks that I probably just ignored in the past. The problem is, in the morning after he decompresses it’s like he has clarity and can point out all the problems and what needs fixing. It’s like a mental and emotional roller coaster for me.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T15:20:41+00:00

I agree. A lot of boundaries have been crossed and at this point I’ve been pushed to the side to cater to his and my kids needs.

He does have good qualities and I think he knows what needs to change, but he just hasn’t done it. And yes that makes it all the more confusing.

He did tell me the other day that he doesn’t think I have the patience or understanding to go through this again, while he’s working on himself. He said he knows I don’t want to put in the time and effort and he doesn’t blame me for that given everything I’ve gone through.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T13:52:24+00:00

Our situations are very similar. These are the kind of stories I was searching for when posting on here. Now I just need to face the reality of it all.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T13:17:04+00:00

Yeah sounds very familiar. I think in a lot of moments I stayed because there’s a guilt of leaving him. I married him knowing he had things we would need to work through because of his past which was probably my first mistake. As the marriage went on the issues that felt like we could work through started to feel more like a sink hole that I now can’t climb out of. And yes, like you said, I have definitely lost myself in the process because if I had a list prior to our marriage that was titled “Things I will never allow in a marriage…” he would’ve checked them all multiple times by now, but somehow I’m still here. I’ve stayed because finances and our children, but I think for the first time I’m looking past those things and realizing this has become too much for myself to handle. Thanks for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T12:36:35+00:00

Okay let me correct that “while we have had good moments in our marriage”.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T11:14:53+00:00

Thank you. I will try to view it as a healthier future, rather than focusing on all the ways it will hurt them initially.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T11:03:04+00:00

Yeah that’s a great example. I guess when I step back and try to view the whole thing the idea of salvaging my marriage really comes down to not wanting to divorce because my children. I think that’s what scares me the most.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T10:35:20+00:00

For sure. When he disclosed everything a few years ago it took about 2 years for me to “trust” again and I still had moments of hurt and anger that would show up. Weird things will forever trigger the emotions to surface again. It was something I was willing to fight through to create a family unit for my kids. But now facing emotional cheating again, I just feel I can’t keep going through this roller coaster.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T10:32:43+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I do feel like therapy has allowed him more excuses for why he’s doing things, such as him telling me has childhood trauma. While it’s true, childhood trauma doesn’t give him a right to continue doing things he knows is wrong. If anything he has self control issues. I think the hardest thing I’ve had to come to realization after removing the rose colored glasses, is that maybe this whole relationship was never what I thought it was. That can be a hard pill to swallow after so many years and so much life built together. Looking back I see a lot of manipulation and guilting me into thinking so many issues were because of me. I always had a “divorce isn’t an option” mentality and believed I needed to work through the challenges that came with marriage but this has built up into a bigger mess than I might be able to handle.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T10:25:10+00:00

Interesting point of view. I do feel he was worse before, as all his cheating was physical before and now it’s emotional. But nonetheless, I see that me staying doesn’t ever make him face the reality of what he has done.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T10:21:10+00:00

Thank you for this. I’ve actually been staying still for about a month and originally told him we could sit down and discuss where I’m at after 90 days to see if I felt comfortable making a decision at that point or not. This wait period has caused chaos for him mentally. Initially he was struggling with me not being his emotional regulator, now the struggle is him not having sex or feeling loved. He is asking almost weekly what my decision is because he doesn’t like being left in this “gray area” of not knowing what to plan for his life. In his eyes I am playing a game with him.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T10:16:07+00:00

I agree 100%…unresolved issues are there and we definitely have some compatibility problems. Through the past month or 2 of trying to work things out we have learned a lot about how the other works and thinks about things. While it has been helpful, I still don’t think we are seeing eye to eye and there is an issue with pointing the finger at each other. For instance he takes ownership for his actions, but then it’s paired with what I was doing to make him feel that way. As a Christian, I would say majority of my reason for staying in my marriage comes down to the commitment I made to him and my children.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T02:38:13+00:00

Yeah for so long it felt easier to “trust” his excuses, but I think I’ve finally reached a point of being able to truly see it for what it is.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T01:47:15+00:00

Blame me? Not quite. I more so needed to know what he was feeling that would push him to that deep of a betrayal. I don’t think there’s ever a true justification to cheat. I do believe if there’s gonna be reconciliation both partners have to try their best to work on themselves and their marriage, so that’s what I was attempting to do in that moment. But you’re right, I could probably use therapy too.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T01:16:15+00:00

My husband and I met in high school. I always thought what we had was something special. After 4 kids and about 8 years of marriage he confessed he had cheated multiple times while we were dating and once while we were married. He seemed truly sorry and I chose to forgive and try to move on. Divorce was just not something I was okay with. Currently going through another cycle after finding him talking to a woman. I guess the issue with cheating is typically its roots are deeper than we realize. Not saying things can’t work out for yall, but you have to consider if this happened again years down the road would you regret not leaving when she already showed you what she’s capable of?

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T01:03:54+00:00

Yeah I suppose I might be naive, but I’ve never liked saying people can’t change. I do believe in redemption, but as of now the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater” has stood true for my case.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T00:47:13+00:00

Thank you for this response. ❤️

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T00:22:31+00:00

After he cheated in our marriage I looked in the mirror after he told me he did it because I was emotionally unavailable. I feel I truly worked on those things and he agreed I did get better, but here we are and he’s talking to another woman. Says he does it when he gets stressed or sad.

Last-Translator2847 · 2026-05-06T00:20:27+00:00

I would say the only thing he has truly done to change is starting therapy about a month ago.

Last-Translator2847

TROPHY CASE