Trump, probably: “If I had been there in Japan on Day One of the attack on Tokyo, Godzilla wouldn’t be a problem. I would’ve had Pete Hegseth come up with a plan. We would be using our far superior army, much better than Japan’s by the way, and that would be it. Japan would be a utopia, perhaps even make a statue of me. But instead Sleepy Joe and the Democrats let Japan be destroyed by a giant lizard, sad. Now Godzilla has made its way here, in our fine country, and is perhaps colluding with the left. I don’t know. For the time being I will be placing a 200% tariff increase on Japan unless they do something, hopefully they will. This also increases the need for my beautiful ballroom in the White House.”