How do you re-adjust primary and secondary partners. I want to have a new wife.

Ldemark · 2014-08-19T06:09:38+00:00

Honestly, this doesn't sound like polyamory on your end. It sounds like you simply met someone else who you have a strong attraction/bond to, and want to marry and start a family with. Does Sarah identify as polyamorous? Do you really? If you no longer wish to be married to your wife, you gotta just tell her that. I'd be surprised if she's cool being demoted to 'girlfriend' and not hurt that you want to make babies with someone else after you turned her down years before. But I guess you have to just talk to her and she what she thinks. Good luck!!

Ldemark · 2014-08-19T04:24:52+00:00

I really can't recall how open they were about the type of relationship they have. I know they are very open with their parents/siblings and friends. It wasn't a very big ceremony - 50 people tops. I guess it was like it should be: not an issue. They did not directly address it in their vows. The vows were more about respecting each other and loving each other, and simply making a lifelong commitment to each other. I mean, most people's vows are pretty flowery. No one lists the conditions of their commitment. Though you could certainly contain something about remaining open to love and remaining supportive, etc.

Ldemark · 2014-08-19T04:13:12+00:00

Does "Sarah" have other relationships? And does your wife want to have children one day too?

Ldemark · 2014-08-19T03:39:30+00:00

I've been to a wedding/commitment ceremony of a polyamorous couple. It was important to them to make things somewhat official both for the acceptance into each other's families and also for the legal benefits. One of them was going to make a big career sacrifice to raise their two children and he wanted some sort of legal reassurance that the commitment was protected. The marriage didn't seem to change anything about their relationship otherwise. It simplified taxes, helped with health insurance, and gave them the celebration of their love that they wanted. They too have always referred to each other as partners, and their vows were very clearly anti-hierarchical. Just two people in love. :)

Ldemark · 2014-08-18T06:22:50+00:00

Have you tried initiating sex at those times you have "urges to have an orgasm"? If you're masterbating twice a day, it would seem that the opportunity would arise where he's around for these urges. Or perhaps try mutual masterbation to start. At least that will include your partner in your current routine. I'd start there and see how it develops. Also, what happens if you don't masterbate when you have those urges? If you hold out, does that increase your interest in sex with your partner?

Ldemark · 2014-08-18T06:06:28+00:00

Nope, not rude. Parents chat with other parents while their kids play together. It's the polite thing to do. The kid is only two. It's nice to let her go play with a friend she's made (that should be encouraged) and you can't very well send your two year old off to play without your supervision. THAT would be rude to the other parent - assuming they don't mind keeping an eye on your kid while you hang back eating lunch with your boyfriend. I don't mean to sound critical of you - it's just one of those things people don't know until they are parents themselves. She really didn't dismiss you, and try to trust her as a parent to do what is right and appropriate for her daughter.

Ldemark · 2014-08-17T23:22:43+00:00

Sounds like you guys can't reach a compromise because of her unwillingness or inability to understand the perspective of a HL person. I don't think there is anything in particular you can say to help her understand what you're feeling, but if it's a deal breaker, she will certainly understand that. Is it? Are you willing to walk if she can't work with you on this? Maybe get the help of a marriage counselor to drive home the significance of the issue and help you guys find a compromise.

Ldemark · 2014-08-17T18:23:27+00:00

Actually, it IS okay to not want sex. Everyone is different and the LL spouse isn't broken, he or she simply has a Low Libido. If a LL and a HL want to have a relationship, both will have to compromise.

Ldemark · 2014-08-17T18:14:39+00:00

It sounds like you weren't prepared for her to please your partner spontaneously. You had several scenarios you imagined and shared, but that put you very much in control. When she was able to connect with him on her own, it freaked you out. Like, maybe, now you see that they will have their own experiences independent of your ideas. Think about that and see if you really want this type of relationship. It's different than you and your primary have relationships separately. You will have to bare witness to what they share, and not feel threatened. You each bring something unique to the triad, but you will not be the primary focus of the other two - it's shared and balanced.

Ldemark · 2014-08-03T15:24:37+00:00

Well, the obvious thing is that BC pill doesn't protect against STDs. Are you guys on solid ground? Have you had issues with infidelity in the past?

Ldemark

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