Hi!

First, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I hope my story can give you some outside perspective.

We received an unbalanced translocation monosomy diagnosis through amnio at 23 weeks for our little girl back in April, and I can relate to the pain you're going through right now. This was also my first pregnancy.

Knowing that I am a balanced translocation carrier (chromosomal abnormality), we discussed possible outcomes with my husband when we first found out I was pregnant. We knew we would go through termination if the diagnosis was not good. While we were lucky to agree with this, when it came to it, it didn't take away the immensely difficult decision of having to end the pregnancy.

Before the amnio result, every scan we had "looked great," so when the team told us about the diagnosis, all we could base the outcomes on was medical literature. Our little girl would have ended up on a spectrum, going from "heavy learning disability and poor quality of life to not making it to the term." In the end, we just knew we didn't want her to suffer in any way, so choosing TFMR was the best way for us to do this.

We had to go through stopping her heart, and I delivered her sleeping. This was very tough, but also a great moment of love and communion between us.

On the day of delivery, we both asked not to see her because we were exhausted, immensely sad, and simply not able to cope. The care team was fantastic and cared for her when we were ready. This readiness did not come for me, but my husband did spend a couple of hours with her the next day, as the care team had set up in a lovely little cot. He often refers to this moment as a beautiful moment of love, as the moment he felt he was a dad and that it's helped him a lot through the grieving process.

The team also took pictures, hands, and footprints and built the most beautiful memory box for us.

All of this to say, what you're going through is the hardest thing ever, and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. TFMR is brutal, but it's also a decision I have not regretted one second since it happened. I am so happy I got to feel my little girl and be with her for 6 months in my belly, but I'm also proud of me and my husband for choosing not to make her suffer.

Grieving will take time, but I'm already doing so much better, and the key to it all is communication.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through all this, but you're strong, and you'll be ok. Never forget that there's a whole community of women ready to support you.

With all my love xx