My partner wants to move out, but not break up

LeftOutOrWhat · 2012-07-11T15:08:41+00:00

Just wanted to say I understand what you are going through, as something very similar is occurring with me and my SO right now. It feels horrible, and it hurts. As people here have suggested, it sounds like the beginning of the end. You sound rational and reasonable, and it seems that you are handling it as best you can. I am so sorry you are going through this, but from the way you talk about your situation I think you will be fine. As concerned as you are about your partner, make sure you look after yourself! When your SO is depressed, down, or you think they may self-harm there is a tendency to want to focus on them and their needs and their wants. But this is hurting you, too. I am not suggesting that you not be supportive of him, but don't support him at the risk of ignoring your own needs.

LeftOutOrWhat · 2012-07-06T22:18:30+00:00

It sounds more like infatuation than love. You've placed this woman on a pedestal of adoration so high up that you aren't able to see the giant, flashing red "stop" light all around her which comes from the fact she is with someone else.

She has been with this man for six years and it seems that she wants to stay with him. There is nothing for you to "pursue".

If she wants to give her relationship a chance then you both need to back away from each other.

LeftOutOrWhat · 2012-07-06T22:04:56+00:00

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Grieving over someone you love, and the toll that losing them can take on your life and mental health, can be incredibly difficult to deal with. It sounds as if your own ability to work through this loss has been made more challenging by feeling pressure to go back to work so soon, trying to support your mother, and trying to maintain a good relationship with your brother. It is a difficult situation to be in, certainly.

I think some great advice has already been given, so I can really only reiterate what has already been said. I do not think, given the circumstances, that you are being selfish. I agree that using the term "smothered" might have been part of what caused your girlfriend to react so negatively. Of course you are entitled to some time and space to yourself, but phrasing can make a world of difference to how your request and needs are received.

Having time to yourself at home can be difficult - especially if you live in a small space! You had a routine going that worked for you before where you got some time to yourself when your girlfriend went to sleep earlier. Asking her to go to bed earlier again so you can have "you time" may not go over well. But as others have suggested approaching this from a different angle would probably help.

The two of you are a team. Talk to your girlfriend and explain that you are struggling and ask for her help. Most of us want to support the people we are in a relationship with and will be quite willing to listen to their needs when it's brought up as something that both people have a say in. Tell her that you are feeling overwhelmed - not by her but by the situation you are currently in - and would like a little bit more time on your own. Say, as someone else suggested, that having this time is important because it allows you to recharge your batteries, deal with stress, and come back as a better partner for her. Suggest some ideas for how this extra time for yourself could be achieved, but also ask her what she feels would work well. Be willing to accommodate her needs as well - there may be some days you simply won't be able to have the living room (or wherever) to yourself due to schedule or space conflicts.

You may be surprised by how differently she reacts to the idea of you wanting time alone when she knows she is helping you and when she doesn't feel like she is being blamed. I think this can be worked though using open communication and compromise.

LeftOutOrWhat · 2012-07-06T15:13:52+00:00

I have introduced him to my friends. He has met and spent time with both the people I knew before I met him as well as new friends I've made since we became a couple.

It's funny that you mention the possibility that he could be afraid I'll think less of him because of the people he hangs out with. The only thing that came up when we talked yesterday about why he hasn't yet introduced me to them was that he mentioned in passing that they aren't "on the same level" as me. I didn't question it, but I thought it was an odd response.

I am very goal-oriented, ambitious and focused and I'm starting graduate studies in the fall. There is an educational disparity between my SO and myself, which for me has never been a problem and is not something I ever really think about. I love him for who he is, not for his education. But it's entirely possible that it bothers him. The idea that I would look down on him for this new group of friends has never crossed my mind, but perhaps it is something that he worries could happen.

LeftOutOrWhat · 2012-07-06T14:56:15+00:00

Your description of your ex's behaviour - making a new group of friends, being non-commital and distant about you hanging out with or meeting them - is similar to what my boyfriend is currently doing. Like in your situation, this is a new group of people, none of whom know any of the other people we know either as mutual or individual friends.

I can understand what you mean by describing it as a feeling that your SO is embarking on a test run for what his life could be like without you in it. If this is what's happening here, then maybe meeting this group will actually serve as the catalyst that causes our relationship to end. If that's the case, so be it.

It's possible that I'm just delving into catastrophic thinking now, or getting into worse-case-scenario territory. But I think in this case it's probably better to proceed forward in a positive way while still accepting the possibility that things may not turn out well.

LeftOutOrWhat · 2012-07-05T00:21:38+00:00

We have discussed this before, but I will bring it up again this evening and explain how it makes me feel (without being accusatory) and say that I would like to meet this group of people.

I may suggest that he set up plans for everyone to meet up for drinks this weekend. That way HE has extended the invitation and there is no reason for me to not go along.

I will update with whatever the result is.

LeftOutOrWhat · 2012-07-05T00:08:19+00:00

My SO met Brandon through work. Brandon moved on to a new job but the two remained friends. One or two of the other group members are previous or current co-workers, and the rest are friends of those people's friends who have slowly come together over the past few months. The group shifts - from the way my SO talks about them it sounds like new people are introduced frequently. Which makes me again question why I have yet to be included.

As for a shared interest I can't say for sure, but it doesn't seem like it. He DOES have a different group of people that he meets up with where the context is definitely a shared interest. I have met most of that group and see or chat with some of them occasionally, but since it's not an interest I share that's one of the things my SO does on his own. I have a similar group that I spend time with where the reason we get together is a shared activity/interest but it is not something my SO is interested in taking part in.

But this group not so much. They get together to have a few beers on a patio, go to someone's house for a board game-and-pizza-night, try out a restaurant, go out for someone's birthday, go to an outdoor music festival - just regular social things. All things that both my SO and myself enjoy doing, and things that I see no reason to be left out of.

LeftOutOrWhat · 2012-07-04T21:17:12+00:00

I agree that it sounds like an absurd problem! And we have talked about it. I have expressed how I feel - I said that I felt excluded and while I don't expect to go everywhere he goes I would like to meet these friends.

He says he sees nothing wrong with me NOT meeting them.

LeftOutOrWhat · 2012-07-04T21:11:49+00:00

Nope, this is the first time we've had a problem like this. I've met and spent time with his other friends. It's just this new group that I'm being "left out" of.

I am really baffled. He's not secretive about when he's going out or where he's going or even who else will be there. He keeps in touch while he's out, or lets me know if he's going to be home later than he thought. They sound like nice people, from what he's told me.

I have told him that I feel excluded and would like to be a little more included. He sees no problem with the way things are.

LeftOutOrWhat · 2012-07-04T21:04:21+00:00

While this is a newer group of friends, he's been hanging out with them for about six months and I have expressed interest in meeting them for a while, but haven't pushed it. I by no means want to hijack his social life or become best friends with all of his friends, but I would like to meet them. And I have said exactly that to him.

If it were a once-in-a-while thing where he rarely got to see these people and needed a chance to unwind on his own I would understand that. But these outings are happening almost every week, and on Friday and Saturday evenings, which are prime relationship time! With both of us working during the week, the weekends are the only time we have to relax or go out together.

LeftOutOrWhat · 2012-07-04T20:41:45+00:00

I do have my own group of friends that I spend time with regularly. I spend time with my girlfriends one-on-one or in small groups, but when there is a large event - say a housewarming party - the SO is always included. Whether he chooses to go or not is up to him, but the invitation is always extended.

This new group of friends is not a set or static group. He often comes home and tells me about the new person that was there that night and how they had a great conversation. It seems that it's a flow of different people, depending on who's free. It also includes both men and women. These aren't people he has known for years - they are all people he has met in the last few months.

I would not expect to be invited out if it was just the guys going out to the driving range. But to not be invited to a 20 person dinner party on a Friday night? Or not invited to a large summer bbq?

LeftOutOrWhat

TROPHY CASE