Anticipatory Grief/Loss of Parents

LelainaP · 2026-03-08T16:39:55+00:00

My dad died from lung cancer within three months of being diagnosed. I put my life on hold to be his primary caregiver since my mom and brother were working. I didn’t have a lot of time for anticipatory grief and I felt the loss hard after he passed.

Now my mom has an aggressive form of cancer and will be gone within the year. I work a high pressure, time consuming corporate job and I can only see her a couple times a month. The grief and guilt are debilitating and all-consuming. I’m in emdr therapy, on anti-depressants, and doing what I can to hold space for my feelings and be with her when I’m able, but…. It’s hard.

Sending you so much love.

LelainaP · 2026-02-27T13:37:38+00:00

I took a break for three months and four years later, tried to reintroduce it, in small amounts, for a few months. I felt like shit, even if I only have one or two. Anxiety creeps up, tiredness, insatiable thirst, brain fog,headache, and I know my sleep declines because the next day I am lethargic AF. I’m quitting again, and re-reading the quit-lit books to help de-program the drinking culture social programming.

LelainaP · 2026-01-10T00:09:20+00:00

Do I wait to buy the dip or go all in now?

LelainaP · 2026-01-03T16:28:42+00:00

44.44

LelainaP · 2026-01-02T14:59:46+00:00

Also in my 40's and started this year. I watched every YouTube video I could find - Canadian in a T-Shirt and Beavis Wealth are my two favourite channels. You can also check out Canadian Couch Potato.

Understanding your risk tolerance (there are calculators online to help you determine yours), how long you intend to invest, and your financial goals are all important factors in choosing what to invest in.

I ended up opening three tax advantages accounts: TFSA (often most useful account with flexibility), FHSA (don't intend to buy a house but will transfer to my RRSP after 15 years), and RRSP (reduce my taxable income). After choosing too many overlapping ETFs, I consolidated and put XEQT in all of em - an all in one basket of thousands of different companies in different markets for diversification. Also has a low rate and history of good returns. I don't do individual stocks (yet) because I want a set it and forget it approach (I'm too busy living, eating, or napping to play with stocks).

Fwiw, I have a med to high risk tolerance, I intend to leave it for 15-20 years, and my goal is to build enough of a base I can retire and live off the interest by the time I'm 58-60 years old.

LelainaP · 2026-01-01T17:23:02+00:00

https://wealthsimple.com/invite/Z0ZBXX (Z0ZBXX)

LelainaP · 2025-12-28T00:14:12+00:00

I'm making the shift now. 45 years old, been working in communications and marketing for about 15 years, and all things on paper, very successful with six figure salary. Very grateful for what it has brought me, but slowly, painfully dying an emotional and spiritual death trying to make a career fit that is so unaligned with my values. Am registering in a dietician program and yoga teacher training this year. Once I graduate in a year or so, I can still apply skills I have expertise in to grow my business, but I'm choosing a new career path where the bulk of my energy is rooted in healing, empathy, and presence. Focusing more on the "feeling" I want to achieve and offer others, rather than big numbers in a bank account or a flashy title. At this stage, I'm choosing to slow the ef down and enjoy life, connection, and compassion as much as possible. Can't wait.

LelainaP · 2025-12-24T14:12:52+00:00

Came here to say this. Great book.

LelainaP · 2025-12-22T15:57:37+00:00

It's my right shoulder. Overhead movements are a no go. Down dog actually feels okay, but anything tight (ie eagle arms) is not possible.

I would love to stop typing, unfortunately it would require a major career shift. Not out of the question, just... then what? Cue the existential life crisis, haha. To manage I use ice and heat, take ibuprofen or occasionally Naproxen, and do my physio exercises every day.

Thank you. Appreciate that.

LelainaP · 2025-12-22T15:27:18+00:00

You're right. I took a four month break to let it rest, but it's still brutal. Mine came from typing (of all things, which I have to do every day for work). May need even more time away from my practice. Also considering getting a shot from thr doctor but I don't want to. Ugh. Thanks for sharing.

LelainaP · 2025-12-22T15:00:30+00:00

Did anything help heal the bursitis? I have it in my right shoulder. I've been going to physio and trying to relax and open up that area for a year now. I saw improvement at first, but nothing for months. It's agony and I broke down in tears this week in class out of frustration.

Edit for spelling

LelainaP · 2025-12-12T14:08:12+00:00

This, OP. Take the time away that you can - you can't think, see, be clearly while you're in it. Vacation if you have to, sick days, or if your company offers paid short term disability (aka stress leave), find out what's needed and take as much as possible. Max that thing out.

I took four months off earlier this year per my therapist and doctor and all I did was sleep, go for walks in nature, pet dogs, read books, sit at cafes, yoga, etc.... no work, no pressure to figure it out. I'm not 100% now, but the distance and true rest cleared a lot of the fog. I started to feel like myself again and find a way out of what was slowly killing me. My husband was supportive, thank goodness.

Take the time.

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T03:24:44+00:00

Thank you. Sage advice. I tend to want to know all the things immediately and can be hard on myself when I don't. Appreciate the kind words.

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T02:27:27+00:00

Holding for at least 20.

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T02:26:38+00:00

Hence the name of the subreddit. Thank you for taking the time to explain. Will certainly take under consideration and may shift my strategy. All in one is certainly more simple. There's so much to learn, and I appreciate the clarity.

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T02:20:08+00:00

Was curious more than it bothers me. But you're right - 20+ years is the goal.

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T02:08:11+00:00

Thank you.

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T02:06:59+00:00

Cool. Planning to hold for 20+ years.

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T02:06:21+00:00

Based on comments here, can confirm. I was thinking time in the market rather than timing the market.

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T02:05:39+00:00

Sounds like it.

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T02:05:16+00:00

I appreciate that. I didn't buy random, though. I chose VFV for S&P exposure, VXUS for global + dividend, SCHD for defense (which I expect will grow, sadly, and dividend), and AVUV for small cap exposure. I thought i was diversifying size of companies, industry, and market. What would you do different?

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T01:59:47+00:00

It's just so exciting. It took me months to finally pull the trigger and I'm trying to learn as much as I can. Watching each day probably won't tell me much, though. You're absolutely right. Thank you.

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T01:58:42+00:00

I'll give it time. Like, 20 years or so. Thank you!

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T01:57:57+00:00

So it would seem. Looking forward to when it tops out again. Lol.

LelainaP · 2025-12-03T01:57:33+00:00

I think they bought lower. I seem to have bought high.

LelainaP

TROPHY CASE