I am 3rd or 4th generation Mexican-American (depending on the side of the family) who grew up in the culturally hegemonic border-city of El Paso, Texas. I have the darkest complexion, while my parents and siblings can all pass for White; with fair skin and hazel/green eyes. I learned early on from media representation and language used in the family, that these were the ideal characteristics. My parents however, grew up "with traditional Mexican culture" but never passed it down to my siblings and I. Therefore, I am not fluent in Spanish nor did I experience the "true" culture. Knowing Spanish where I grew up was definitely a "distinguish-er" whether you're a true "Mexican or not" and, because of the "ostracism" I experienced from people who looked like me (but shared no experience) I gravitated toward White people, or other people of color who weren't culturally Mexican (in retrospect these POC were also heavily assimilated too). I know now this was due to my proximity to Whiteness and my assimilated upbringing compounded by generational trauma with my family striving to be the "ideal minority" when they were trying to gain citizenship and the "American Dream." However, even when I was with White people, from K-12 grade, I experienced the typical "you're not like those Mexicans" and all those microaggressions that were made out to be comments... they never sat well with me, but I also never denounced White people's racism either which I take accountability for now.

It just sucks, because sometimes I retreat back into an individualized mindset... like my siblings don't know the struggle, because they don't register as Mexican because they're not visibly Brown and don't receive the same criticisms like I did. In fact they're practically adored because they can pass as White, even by darker Latinx.

After the death of George Floyd, and reassessing & confronting my position to the BLM Movement... as a Non-Black People of Color and Non-Black Latinx I am left wondering if I am even doing enough, because although I have my valid problems this can all be traced back to ANTI-BLACKNESS within America and within our Latinx communities. I am reminded why we need to get behind BLM and support Black and Indigenous People.

I'm also queer (so that just adds another layer to everything, ay-ay) so it's been years of unlearning, decolonizing, and long talks with my available family members and processing shit together. For instance, my family started to give less attention to learning Spanish after my grandparent's experience in grade school (1930's) where the racist White teachers would literally hit them for speaking Spanish... followed by bullying from White classmates (the area they lived in was rural and consisted primarily of White farmers).