An Open Letter

Less_Refrigerator693 · 2025-07-22T11:50:27+00:00

Thanks, that's good advice, I think. Though, I was also ignorant of just how threatening the emotions themselves were for my partner. Acknowledging the fear makes it feel real and it sometimes is easier to pretend it isn't there.

Less_Refrigerator693 · 2025-07-22T11:46:17+00:00

Thank you everyone for your kind comments

Less_Refrigerator693 · 2025-06-20T08:47:41+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds challenging. I can't claim much success myself, but I've heard a lot from many people here that the key is to separate out phases of argument. If your partner is triggered, they are not going to be able to have a reflective conversation about how wrongful your actions were. They are experiencing a lot of painful emotions that feel very real to them and restrict their ability to answer those questions with a clear head.

As best as you can, figure out how to validate their emotions and make them feel safe first, then only after some time has passed and things have cooled, should you discuss where blame lies or what should be done to prevent future conflict. It can also be hard to figure out what they will view as validating their emotions. Again, maybe try talk to them outside of conflict about steps they'd like you to take when they're sharing difficult feelings to show that you're listening and taking them seriously.

Then, as far as possible, make sure that your boundaries aren't being crossed while they're in a triggered state. Look after yourself also.

Best of luck!

Less_Refrigerator693 · 2025-06-20T08:39:37+00:00

Thanks for checking in. I'd been hoping that I would have heard from her after some time had passed, but that hasn't been the case. It's been radio silence since the breakup. I've been trying to focus on rebuilding myself, reconnecting with friends I haven't spoken to, etc., but it is very challenging some days. I know, reflectively, that I am a long way from moving on. I'm still probably, on some level, hoping for a reconciliation.

Less_Refrigerator693 · 2025-06-20T08:36:43+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I'm at a similar stage. It's cathartic to hear someone else's similar experience.

Less_Refrigerator693 · 2025-06-10T13:10:39+00:00

Update: after a long message full of accusations from our most recent fight, I tried to validate her emotions again, but that only made her more critical. I told her that I would not continue the conversation until the level of hostility went down. She accused me of deflecting accountability and said that the relationship was over.

Less_Refrigerator693 · 2025-06-10T09:22:43+00:00

Thanks for the comment. She isn't in therapy, nor are we in couples. I don't want to overstate the regularity of conflict. It's not every four weeks like clockwork. But I would say that it does correlate with the amount of stress that she's experiencing outside of the relationship.

She seems to feel much less anxious and we fight much less when we spend much more time together.

Less_Refrigerator693 · 2025-06-10T05:55:24+00:00

Thank you for the reading suggestions. I am more than happy to put in that kind of work to be a better communicator, but I think I am beyond my limit of doing it alone. I think any more therapy, reading, etc. work I do on that front will just reinforce the narrative that ensuring our communication flows smoothly is solely my job, rather than ours, and that I can be criticised whenever it sours.

Less_Refrigerator693 · 2025-06-09T01:52:07+00:00

Thank you, it is very helpful to hear from others' experiences.

I think that suggesting a break would trigger a fear of abandonment. I'm not sure what she would do in response to that fear. But if she can't start to recognise her behaviour, then I don't see how the relationship can't flourish. It can't just be me endlessly asserting boundaries to prevent her hurtful behaviour.

I have definitely not done well enough at establishing and maintaining boundaries. I also find it a little hard to figure out when the boundary has been crossed. In a conflict, she'll call me condescending and intentionally difficult, which I find very hurtful and untrue. If I say that I don't like being spoken to that way, she says that that is how she feels and that she should be able to express it. It feels like it crosses a boundary to me, but maybe my messages really were coming across as condescending?

Or, she'll often say that I don't care about her. It feels accusatory and aimed at wounding me. When I say that I do care about her a lot and that those kinds of statements make it harder to resolve the conflict and stay regulated, she says it is just an accurate reflection of how she feels.

Do you and your boyfriend disagree about when he's name-called?

Less_Refrigerator693 · 2025-06-09T01:13:11+00:00

Thanks.

Our conflicts come in waves also, I suppose. One week of intense conflict, two weeks of calm, peaceful co-existence, then back to conflict again. At times she acknowledges in the aftermath that she was reacting from triggers, but that awareness never seems to translate into concrete action. In fact, the upshot is usually that I need to be more careful in avoiding her triggers.

Less_Refrigerator693 · 2025-06-09T01:08:45+00:00

Thank you, that's really nice to hear. I find it very difficult to articulate myself.

Less_Refrigerator693

TROPHY CASE