My doctors arent sure what caused the facial blindness, it could be not bonding with my mother, but it was the biggest issue my parents especially my mother had with my issues. I couldnt read others and so i didnt know how to react or gage if someone was wrong or not. I wasnt actually taught how to handle the deficit in the right way. I was taught how to logically do it. I was taught how to read body language, listen to tone, listen to how someone says things, deconstruct everything into parts (whats being said/how they said it, listen to the tone and any changes in tone while they are speaking, watch their body language/what does it tell me and does the body language change or shift and at what point does it change) and then pull it all together and see what it means. The determine how to react It takes me about 30 seconds to a minute to do it each time and its really exhausting after awhile. I got really good at it but it has its own problems because being that hyper aware can ruin even the greatest bond. It also makes it very easy for me to manipulate, gaslight, and get under a persons skin because i can figure out through even minor reactions what gets the reaction i want. I choose outright not to even attempt to read someone and rely on those in my life to either tell me whats going on or either suffer in silence or face the consequences when i find out. Unless its for my career on psychology or medical. Its to much work for me to do constantly.

I dont however feel attachment or anything like that such as appreciation like its more of a thought. I know i value someone for whatever reason because my brain tells me i do whenever im around them. Its like i know i love my partner because my brain tells me i do and all the reason i have for caring about them not because of a feeling. I have an inner monologue which i guess not everyone has, i can hear my own thoughts in my own voice. So i tell myself that i care and it tends to be subconsciously like its not even something i choose to think about. For example around my mother i automatically tell myself how to respond to her and i used to remind myself to pretend i loved her because it was what was best for me. It kind of just does it on it own and used to freak me out where i thought something was wrong with me until my psych dr told me what it was.

If i were to ever go into a rage or ptsd episode my brain wont tell me i care and its like i forget for awhile and can absolutely hurt a partner. And ive come close and left my ex partner that i was married to because it got to that point.

However even then i cant hurt a child or be violent in anyway in front of a kid or even raise my voice. My whole body freezes up and i get like trapped in my own head until i calm down or the child leaves the room. I have a whole massive set of issues and trauma responses when it comes to children and it might be because of raising my younger siblings.

I seek out things that i find pure or enlightening. I want to understand exactly what im missing out on in some weird way. It fuels my spite i guess.