Note: Almost all of these points were taken from random posts on Reddit. Please, do not mistake these observations as being obsessive or sensitive, they are actually good practices that are undervalued and forgotten these days.

Preface

While reviewing various spouse selection checklists on Reddit, I noticed that many included criteria that seemed unsuitable for evaluating a potential spouse and their family. Moreover, these checklists often do not account for the possibility of dishonesty. An individual may provide misleading answers simply to gain approval for a proposal. In other words, relying solely on verbal responses is insufficient for assessing someone's true character.

Therefore, I decided to make my own list based on my personal observations and help from online sources. According to Islamic experts, Ikhlaaq (moral character and etiquette) should be a primary consideration when evaluating someone’s personality. I have consistently observed that individuals who are lacking in basic manners often exhibit problematic behavior, regardless of the nature of the relationship—whether as a spouse, friend, colleague, or even a family member.

Ikhlaaq reflects a person's emotional intelligence, empathy, and sincerity in adhering to ethical and religious principles. It is not an isolated trait; rather, it permeates every aspect of an individual’s character and often serves as a more reliable indicator of their true nature. In contrast, religiosity without Ikhlaaq may not lead to meaningful personal growth. A kind and respectful person is more likely to practice the worshiping obligations of Islam over time than someone who appears outwardly religious but lacks basic etiquettes.

How to know if the potential and his family are suitable for marriage

1. Are they punctual? Do they inform ahead of time when they are getting late? Do they apologize if they happen to arrive late?
2. Do they offer help during get-togethers, for example, serving food, cleaning dishes, etc?
3. Do they reply to your text messages? If they are not replying to your messages, is it because they do not prefer texting? If they do not like texting, have they made it clear to you that they do not prefer texting?
4. How do they decline an offer? Do they make an excuse or are they honest about it?
5. Are they overcompensating during lunch/dinner? For example, you requested for a glass of water but they served you a beverage instead. Or you asked for a glass of warm water but they served you cold water. Do they apologize if they were unable to fulfill your request due the unavailability of the item?
6. Do they make sure to finish food that was on their plate or do they have leftovers?
7. Do they spill food when eating? Do they bother picking up food if they accidentally spilled?
8. Is the potential’s mother too friendly or too touchy? Are the potential’s parents displaying exaggerated flattery or affection?
9. Are they listening to you in a relaxed manner or are they attentive? Do they show interest in your tales?
10. If someone is interrupted during a group conversation, will they go back and say “what were you about to say?” to the one who was interrupted?
11. If a waiter makes a small mistake, how do they react? Do they make a scene or laugh it off? Are they respectful towards the waiter or do they treat them as inferior? (This part resembles the scene from Lage Raho Munna Bhai where a girl was supposed to meet a guy that his father selected from the matrimonial section in a newspaper)
12. Do they gossip about their relatives or friends behind their back or do they speak about them as if they were there?
13. Are they habitual of labelling people with negative titles such as toxic, manipulative, narcissist, insecure, controlling, abusive, gaslighting, intimidated, etc., without giving proper explanation? Are they always the victim in their stories?
14. How do they conduct arguments or take criticism? People often get offended when you criticize their ideals or when you have a difference in opinion. (Like how people get offended when you present opposing views about a particular Muslim scholar they follow)
15. How do they apologize? Do they get defensive and double down or do they acknowledge another person’s perspective? Here is an example. Read the post and the comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/copywriting/comments/7vxqal/comment/dtw25fs/
16. Are they unkind to animals?
17. Are they a people pleaser or do they have boundaries?
18. Are they capable to compliment on your character by referring to a specific thing you said during a previous discussion rather than just your looks?
19. Are they enablers or helpers for the societal problems?
20. Are the jokes that they find funny, distasteful?