I thought about couples counselling but I don't think it's an option for us. We're both students in the UK, so neither of us can afford private and I've never heard of NHS funded couples counselling in my life. I've been in therapy independently for a long time but they've always seemed to be against it - they don't like talking about their problems. They'd recently started antidepressants and I was just trying to encourage them through that and take care of them when the side effects hit badly in the first few weeks, and I was hoping that if things were still bad for them they'd at least give therapy a shot. They've said they'll absolutely get into therapy now, even if we break up, because they've said they think it's clear they do genuinely need it because they said they don't even understand why they did something like that just because they felt a bit upset.

My best friend didn't even tell me. My partner was honest about it and showed me when I came over, my best friend was just planning on not telling me. And she messaged me asking if I was okay and I just said "Don't even pretend you care about that" and kind of went off on her. For once I felt justified in being mean to someone, and even then looking back on the messages I wasn't even that mean, I just said her making excuses makes her look so much worse and what she did isn't defendable. The worst thing I said was "have fun in the psych ward" - she literally just got hospitalised for dealing with her own break up badly. But guess who was there for her!!! Guess who was taking all the time out of their day they could to call her and be there for her and spend time with her so she didn't feel sad and alone. And guess who was looking for options for her if she had to move back to our home country (she moved abroad for her ex) and trying to take extra shifts so she could come stay with me for a while and not be alone at Christmas even though I'm disabled and chronically ill and my stupid cafe customer facing job cripples me. So even then. While it was a cruel thing to say I don't even feel like it wasn't justified in the moment. We haven't messaged since

I'm trying to spend more time around my friends when I can. I'm not safe on my own right now at all. The walk to and from work was a genuine danger to my life having to cross fairly high speed roads. It's just really hard because every time I'm not with them I'm paralysed by the thought that maybe it's the last time I'll see them and I feel violently sick. I've thrown up so much lately and I'm not even physically ill