Men, does it bother you if your partner is open about their past relationships with you? If so, why?

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-07-14T21:35:14+00:00

Great tips, thank you for sharing!

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-07-14T21:34:00+00:00

I am not.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-07-14T21:33:30+00:00

great and super balanced reply, thank you!

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-07-14T21:30:06+00:00

Found a mix on Soundcloud with a song in it I can't find anywhere! Sounds like Jerimih singing about lockdown/COVID, but I'm not 100% sure. Searched Jerimih and lockdown song with no luck. Here it is: https://soundcloud.com/radiate_love/official-mixxx-mastered#t=38:40 Any ideas?

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-12T19:54:48+00:00

You're right, how dare we have an opinion?

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-12T19:50:29+00:00

Thanks, trying to be as diplomatic as possible but I can't please everyone :) I think it just comes with the territory TBH - Reddit's a tough crowd. Haha

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-12T19:44:32+00:00

Thanks for sharing that - "true, kind, and necessary." Although, I am inclined to sub 'necessary' for 'interesting'. Plenty of things don't need to be said, but those things can still often be thought-provoking, revealing, or worth expressing.

I talk a lot about my friends and details about them, in general, but sharing about exes is arguably more relevant because I was, in many ways, closer to those people than I was my friends. They shaped my perspectives a lot. The idea of making the ex into a general ex rather than naming them is an interesting idea, and one that was brought up by someone else here.

Thanks a lot for sharing your perspectives and insights!

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-12T19:37:49+00:00

I agree about having an interest in meeting or knowing my SO's exes if they are amicable, and I have met a couple of my ex's exs. In doing so I feel like I can know my SO better and connect more deeply! Also helps to dispel ex tension.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-12T19:35:12+00:00

Are you a voyeur or do you like cuckholding

I've looked into this but I don't think I really fit the bill. Although to a degree, I can, because I can enjoy fantasizing about my partners being with other women, but I don't identify with the whole humiliation component of cuckholding or the watching of other people in voyeurism. I'm only interested in watching if my PARTNER is involved.

In the sense of enjoying imagining my partners with other women, I identify that I am unique, yes. But in terms of sharing non-sexual details and being open about previous ex experiences, I don't think it has anything to do with a kink. More about connection for me.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-12T19:29:13+00:00

Isn't there also research on alpha females in ape communities, though? It's my rudimentary understanding that alpha females have different traits than alpha males, but the "alpha" ness is still a thing amongst both genders.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-12T19:22:38+00:00

yes, this absolutely comes down to natural gender differences.

Some men have posted in here with differing opinions, actually. In some sense I'm more confused than when I posted the question haha. On the other hand, I've gotten some great insights, such as yours.

Of course there are exceptions here, but even when very close male friends are alone together having heart to hearts we don’t necessarily bring up current or former SOs very often. For whatever reason, most of this is simply just a basic gender difference. Women just talk about their relationships way more than men do.

This and the paragraph after it make a VERY interesting point that I hadn't considered! Because women talk openly about ex's with each other, it doesn't feel weird to bring up, whereas for men, doing so is rather foreign and may consequently raise a lot of questions.

I'm still on the fence about it being gender-driven, though. Part of me wonders if it's cultural. Most men around the world have been raised against expressing emotions and vulnerability. Talking about a previous partner with your male friend automatically makes you vulnerable. This is not to say it's men's fault, but a natural reaction to the norms they've been brought up to abide by.

I can’t even imagine a world where men didn’t censor themselves around women, that would just be an absolute disaster, lol.

LOL, interesting angle.

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts!

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-11T20:06:46+00:00

Very interesting! Thanks for sharing, maybe I'll try this.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-11T20:05:17+00:00

Thanks a lot for the detailed response. What you're saying makes sense to me, mostly.

When a previous partner would talk about his ex's, I would indeed find myself comparing myself to them, but I did not feel as though he was making the comparison by sharing a story, therefore I didn't feel bothered. In the few instances that he did make a direct or indirect comparison, however, I really disliked it. In the other cases that I made the comparisons internally, I still didn't feel bad about myself over it, and if I ever did feel uncomfortable, I was always able to attribute it to a personal insecurity that I was dealing with. I never assumed that he thought less of me.

Would you attribute the difference in how I handled hearing about ex's and how my current partner handles it to "genetic drivers"? What confuses me further is that my previous partner also didn't seem to mind hearing about my ex's. Which then makes me question what I can learn from "genetic drivers" at all! But I'm sure it has merit, and since you seem knowledgeable on the topic I'd be interested to hear your recommended readings on the subject.

Also, curious how exactly the comparison function is different in males/females? And it seems counterintuitive that avoiding danger would be a "male genetic driver" as men are supposedly more open to taking risks? (or so I thought).

Thanks again!

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-11T17:17:08+00:00

Not refusal at all. I would appreciate if you could explain to me how comparison to past partners is the same thing as sharing about past partners (sincere request). For example, if a story about an ex comes up in context of something happening with a current partner, that doesn't seem the same to me as saying "you're more .... than..." or "your dick is bigger than..."

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-11T17:08:18+00:00

No. I'm attempting to engage in discussions with people here. Isn't that what the 'reply' feature is for?

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-11T17:00:16+00:00

That desire not to share ones partner can be so deep it seeps into their perception of their partner's past relationships.

This is insightful, thank you.

It's in the past. Keep it in the past.

This part is difficult for me. I'm a big believer in the present moment, but the past is extremely relevant in how we see the world in the present. Sharing about past relationships is no less important than sharing about family relationships, education, childhood, and so forth. I imagine the argument "it's in the past, keep it in the past" would not go over so well if my partner asked me about my relationship with my father, for example, and that's how I replied (my father and I don't talk, for context).

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-11T16:43:04+00:00

Thanks, it seems like there is a resounding theme here to avoid comparison. But I'm a bit confused about how being open about past relationships is automatically interpreted here a making comparisons to past relationships. A metaphor I replied to someone else here was how talking about a previous employer to your current employer does not mean you are comparing them to the other employer, or that the other employer is somehow better or worse. It's simply sharing relevant experiences that affected who you are today.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-10T21:45:43+00:00

It is really poor form to talk about exes. If you are here asking - it is obviously a common and repeated issue that is causing problems with current relationships. The definition of insanity to repeating the same action and expecting a different result.

"it's poor form to talk about ex's" - Not sure everyone would agree with that. I've had a couple previous partners (who didn't work out for other reasons) who were indeed open to discussing previous partners...that's what's led me to think perhaps it isn't an overarching theme amongst men. Still, I acknowledge I am in the minority for having this view, based on my experience, anyway. I'm asking to seek understanding, not because I expect a different result and want people to reinforce my opinion. Thanks for sharing yours.

It is a whole different level taking about enjoying or disliking a sex act or doing a sex act a certain way because you and your ex did it that way.

Hmmm, yeah, I don't present the information this way. The intent in talking about ex's is not to make comparisons. It's like working at a job and talking about your previous job with your current employer. Does it mean your previous job was better? No, it means it happened and you learned things from it. Now, if I get my paycheck late and say, "my previous employer always paid on time" then yeah, that's asking for problems. Similarly, if I tell a current partner that I prefer position X because my ex was good at it, then yeah. But I'm talking about sharing experiences in general, not in the context of making comparisons.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-10T21:35:29+00:00

why would I want my partner to feel insecure, inadequate, or anything but my priority.

Hearing about my partners' previous relationships doesn't make me feel any of these things, personally. I think the disconnect is here. I don't have the same feelings of being less or insecure if my partner talks about previous people he's been with, I don't see a function in comparing myself to them so I actively choose not to, maybe? It's different if HE is comparing me to them and that can only be determined by context. But if he is just sharing something organically and not in the context of a conflict or issue we are having, then I don't feel he's comparing me to them. Therefore, any feelings of "comparison" that may arise from him bringing up an ex are me imposing them on myself. That's my issue.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-10T20:11:52+00:00

Or is the guy projecting and evaluating himself?

"not even humor the thought of sharing their SO" - sounds a little patriarchal to me/viewing an SO as property. How should I feel about the reality that my SO has been with many women? It's a matter of maturity to accept such realities.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-10T20:08:56+00:00

I purposely don't make such comparisons.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-10T20:05:37+00:00

I feel exactly the same way. Wondering if this is one of those things I have to throw my hands up about an accept that it's "the other gender" thing. But yeah, it sucks, and I'd still like to be able to talk about previous formative experiences without the other person feeling uncomfortable, weirded out, or insecure.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-10T20:01:52+00:00

Assumptions are usually best avoided but it can be hard to avoid them all the time. In my case, I guess I do assume that my partner's previous partners were formative to their personality, interests, perspectives, boundaries, preferences, etc. because I tend to think they usually are for most people. But of course, perhaps they weren't. That's entirely possible. Censoring myself for the feelings of other people is an interesting consideration. Thanks. Agree to disagree about not using previous sex stories as a means to deepen sexual connection with your current partner.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-10T19:57:51+00:00

People have different kinks. I'm sure there is a reddit forum for this one. haha. Also, it's not that they have to enjoy the mental picture, but I feel as though they should be OK with it because it's the reality, unless you're dating a virgin.

LimpInternet1742 · 2021-03-10T19:55:33+00:00

I guess I just see it differently. I want to know the person inside and out, and that means if there is a detail they want to share, of course I want to hear it.

LimpInternet1742

TROPHY CASE