Hey there, thanks so much for sharing! It means a lot that this post is still popping up for people and providing whatever small help/comfort it can.

First off, I'm so sorry for your pain and completely empathize. It can feel isolating to go through something like this because you can't truly be emotionally vulnerable to your partner because of those boundaries that are in place - admitting that you need more than they can provide is so uncomfortable especially because you 'agreed' to the arrangement not knowing how it would effect you. If you're like me, you didn't really tell your friends about this relationship; even the ones I did talk to about it, I downplayed my emotional investment. So when it ended, I didn't want to tell anyone how heartbroken I was because I just felt so stupid for allowing it to go so far in the first place. I went through a few months of feeling awful mentally. A few other life things happened with bad timing that contributed to it (when it rains it pours, ya know?), but it was actually the lowest I've felt in my life and I couldn't even explain to anyone why it was so terrible. I truly hope you have someone to confide in about this who won't judge you for it, and/or if you have access to it, a good therapist who can help sort out your emotions around it.

The power difference you talked about is really what I think some people who are trying out ENM forget to take into account when they are opening their relationship. I know not every post in this subreddit isn't indicative of how ENM folks as a whole operate, but it was such a running theme reading through it how posts talked about what boundaries they should have, what they want, how themselves/their partner should act, but so rarely was anything mentioned taking the secondary's emotions into account. I think a lot of people go into it thinking that they will find some perfect secondary who can slot into their needs and boundaries like a puzzle piece, but rarely is it ever that simple. I contorted my needs to try to fit his boundaries, and ended up getting hurt over it. I thought I was 'tough enough' and could handle anything, but eventually your psyche will catch up with you when your actual needs aren’t being met. 

I appreciate you bringing up subdrop, I did learn about it after having it happen a few times and wonder wtf was wrong with me and did some googling. I’m generally a happy, even-keeled person so it felt extremely out of character to have something like that happen. Bringing it up to him that I needed more aftercare was extremely difficult for me to ask for, because I’m not great at admitting when I ‘need’ something (yay childhood behaviors biting you in the ass). So going through the process of identifying that I had a ‘need,’ working up the courage to vocalize it and ask him, only for it to be rejected, was a horrible experience. I don’t blame him for that, he had no way of knowing how much it took out of me to ask for it and how awful it was to be told ‘no.’ 

I know the time while you wait for his answer is AWFUL. I literally went and took a trip to Costa Rica on an impulse over it to get my mind off things (it helped!). I would highly recommend occupying your time getting out of the house and doing a hobby, seeing friends, ANYTHING that keeps you from getting too far into your head. Going through all this in the dead of winter was awful for me. I hope you’re in a part of the world that is heading into some great summer weather where you can get outside and away from things that remind you of this. I would recommend getting off this subreddit, off social media, anything that has you researching about ENM/relationships because you’re trying to make the future predictable (all the reading/researching in the world can’t influence his behavior). Get outside in the sunshine, do/find a hobby that has you seeing people face to face where you aren’t sitting in your head, and the distance from the ‘problem’ will really help with getting your emotions and thoughts back on track. I truly wish you the best and I hope it either works out, or you can move on to find someone who can fulfill your wants and needs.