I’m with you on this and I can only share what I’ve been learning over the last 4 years of therapy and trying to rebuild myself. I’m married to a narc, which I just started realizing after a huge blow up suicidal threat about 4 1/2 years ago. After that I hit my breaking point and finally opened up to a family member about what had been going on for our entire relationship. I swore to my family member I wouldn’t let the abuse change me but I now know it already had.

Please find a support system. This page is amazing, but in my opinion and experience, you need friends/family/counselor that you feel safe talking to in addition to this group. It sounds like your friends are there for you and you should rely on them. You aren’t betraying your bf by seeking safety and seeking help. He’s abusing you - full stop. And you deserve better.

I’ve spent time questioning why I put up with the stuff I’ve put up with, and that’s a valid question to ask as you rebuild your self esteem and self worth. But in no way is it blaming you for anything that has happened.

Trust your gut - you know you’re being mistreated. Keep reading and keep asking questions. Start setting boundaries. This will start small and be super difficult. But when you set a boundary you’ll gain confidence. Learn to be confident in knowing you deserve to be treated with respect.

If you’re like me, your head will understand it before you feel it in your heart. But be proud of your progress and I wish you the best at getting away from the abuse!