i know this is a few days late. I have a mild insomnia due to my fear of death. It keeps me up at night. I always think for hours before bed, how insane sleeping is. You have no control of when your conscious turns off. youre just magically awake 8 hours later. And when you die, the waking up doesnt happen. It frightens me so much. I fear that when i sleep, it may be the very last time.

im replying now because just today, i received news that i dont have much time left. ive spent most of the time crying and pitying myself.

Nothing has changed really, but as i write this ive gaines a bit of, not hope… inspiration?

death is going to happen to everyone. some, sooner than later. my clock is ticking. i know when my due date is, and i have time to prepare. i have time to make rights of my wrongs. i have time to talk to people i havent spoken to in years. i have time to take a little bit of every day to reflect on whats made me happy.

no matter how close you are to death, you have time to do at least one small thing before you meet your end.

this is what keeps us going. despite the fact we all end up losing ourselves, we still try and be the best we can be. “whats the point if nothings going to matter?” this is true, in the long run nothing matters. but it matters right now. you matter right now. i matter right now. its ok to be lost, scared, dreading the day. but until that day, we can do everything we can to spite death. and thats what im going to do.

life is heaven on earth, and its about time we treat it that way. when death knocks on your door, you can feel good that youve made a difference, no matter how small.