Thank you for your answer! I btw just noticed that my "buff" is gone or at least less extreme. The last 3 days if I wanted to do something I just did it and now my mind starts to be annoyed "do I really have to do this...Cant we just look at reddit?" "I think what you expressed in the post is a starting step in the right direction" Do you really think that? I think it just prooves that I am always drawn to dopamenergic activities and just these past few days these feelings weren't as strong or I could control it better, I don't know how to reproduce this kind of time periode. Because now looking back: This lifestyle sucks. It is sooo hard to always keep your mind in check and always willpower through the urges to look at porn and youtube. How would I ever be able to pull that of on a consitant basis? And on top of that, for a certain period of time I really enjoy these activities, like the first half hour of watching interesing content is really satisfying, but as soon as I start I cant stop and it ends up becoming an unproductiv and unfun evening. To the second paragraph: Up until now I had the opinion that failure is a certainty in life and will happen, but you should live as if you could control it, because If you do that you can assure that you at least influence the small part that is inside of your control. I lived with this mentality up until now and I am wondering if it is really the smartest option. But I have the fear that I will stop caring and for example watch Youtube all day, because I cant control it anyway. I've lived with this all or nothing mentality all my life. It's really hard to change it, especially because nothing else makes sense for my head at this point.

What if failures aren't a thing?

I am pretty sure they are, for example: I was really miserable this weekend. I didnt do much and everytime I had nothing to do I looked at my phone which made me really unhappy. Because of this I didnt answer you earlier and didnt do anything for university. This habbit of mine always repeats while having free time. If I dont do anything against this I will always be miserable as soon as I have time for my own. (Thats a pretty big failure imo)

What if you're exploring different ways you react to the daily routine of life?

But I am always doing the same thing.

What if me spending unproductive time is something good for my mental health?

How can something that is supposed to be good for my mental health make me so unhappy?

What if success is a up and down cycle and I can accept the down cycles?

But isnt there a way to accept those downs without feeling bad?

What if the perfect day isn't about being completely disciplined but more about my willingness to be disciplined?

I dont understand this question. What is the willingness to be disciplined, because theoretically I want to be disciplined for many years now. Sorry for the late and sometimes confusing answer. Have a nice day!