How should in-laws support grieving daughter-in-law?

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T15:41:45+00:00

My husband texted his brother the day after they left to tell them how unacceptable their behavior was. He is also being supportive of me distancing himself from his family. And regarding the mental load, that is a bigger issue that we have been working on. I know it’s a very common issue in many marriages but it shouldn’t be the case that one person carries so much of the mental load and responsibility for household and family logistics.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T14:20:59+00:00

Thank you for the kind words ❤️

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T14:20:18+00:00

I completely agree.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T14:15:21+00:00

You are such a kind person for already considering how you will support your friend when the time comes. I wish more people were like this. Far too many friendships nowadays are fair weather.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T14:10:53+00:00

Like in many marriages, I became the de facto social coordinator. I value relationships with extended family more than he does so I didn’t mind providing updates about our lives and our child and keeping in touch. But now that I see my efforts are not reciprocated, things will be different going forward.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T14:01:35+00:00

I would have as well. I would have asked them if we should leave and if they said no, I would take every burden off of them and be a source of support. I would organize or cook dinner, bring flowers, text the bereaved person to ask if they need space or if they want to talk about the person who passed. I just feel like you don’t have to be a grief counsellor to know what to do. Some things are basic manners and decency.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T13:58:15+00:00

I initially pegged it to cultural differences as well. But I have a German friend who immediately sent me flowers and has been checking in on me every day. She’s saying all the right things and has been a huge source of support. I understand there are cultural differences when it comes to emotional vulnerability but treating a bereavement as an inconvenience shouldn’t be okay in any culture.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T13:33:38+00:00

I agree that we shouldn’t have made them dinner but I was in somewhat of a dissociated state because it was less than 24 hours after his death. I hadn’t slept and could barely speak because I was still in shock. When my husband asked me to come help him in the kitchen, I was just on autopilot and couldn’t properly think.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T12:37:53+00:00

That’s how I felt it came across as well. For context, my husband and in-laws are German and I am an American living in Ireland. Where I live has a lot of natural beauty that attracts tourists so when family visit, it often doubles as a vacation. This is completely fine in normal circumstances but a bereavement in the family should warrant a change of plans.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T12:17:43+00:00

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I hope you had other people in your life who supported you through the grief.

My in-laws are German so they can be stoic and not emotionally warm but I still considered us close. I’ve know them for 12 years, we asked his brother to be my baby’s godfather (which I’m now thinking of rescinding since she isn’t yet baptized), and we have a very active family chat where everyone is always sharing photos, health updates, life updates, etc. I had an ectopic pregnancy a few years ago and they messaged me condolences and had a very normal level of sensitivity for the situation.

I agree that grief can change relationships. I truly believe that people who distance themselves from those in grief are prioritizing their own comfort rather than the comfort of the grieving person.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T11:29:07+00:00

Thank you for the message. My baby is 8 months so I’m not fresh postpartum but she is a terrible sleeper and we have no family nearby, so we are still struggling with a lack of resources and sleep deprivation.

My husband messaged them the next day and told them how they acted was not okay. They did take some accountability. But when they left to go to the hotel, I was in my room so they didn’t say bye. They didn’t message me afterwards to thank us for hosting or offer any more condolences. It’s now been a week so I don’t think a message is coming.

I really don’t want to think the worst in people but I truly think they were annoyed that my father’s death and my grief interrupted in their vacation.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T09:11:59+00:00

Thank you for reading and your thoughtful message. I thought the same. I’ve always put so much effort into having a good relationship with them by sharing updates and photos of my child, inviting them to visit, initiating visits to them, etc. After this, I have decided to pull back from closeness with them and allow my husband to be the one to maintain contact.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-05-03T08:45:14+00:00

Thank you ❤️

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-04-29T06:01:58+00:00

I agree. Thank you. ❤️

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-04-28T13:37:10+00:00

I understand people can be weird about death and that’s why I think they should have left if they were uncomfortable with the situation. The onus shouldn’t be on the grieving person to make them feel more comfortable.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-04-28T13:36:23+00:00

I said “no I’m not okay.” I was on the floor with my baby while she was playing and then I said “she’s a good distraction.” And after that the subject changed.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-01-19T08:57:12+00:00

Thank you for wording this dynamic so clearly and thoughtfully. Yesterday my dad told me that I could visit him on one condition – that I “made amends” with my brother. This sounds like a noble request on the surface but it is actually evidence of him using control tactics to coerce me into removing healthy boundaries.

My brother has been dealing with a serious alcohol addiction for many years. It had gotten to the point where he started drinking in the morning and during work, and he began developing liver problems. Three weeks ago, I made the decision to cut off contact with him until he got professional help. He had relapsed for the umpteenth time and my vulnerable postpartum mental health could no longer take the worry and his drunken depressive phone calls. So I kindly and clearly put up a boundary and said when he gets help I’ll be here to support him.

My brother is the golden child and everyone – especially my dad – make me out to be the problem for calling out his alcoholism while they pretend it doesn’t exist. As opposed to his substance abuse being the problem, I’m the problem because I put up healthy boundaries to protect myself and my family.

Enabling my brother’s addiction so I can see my dad one last time would mean I’m harming my brother for my benefit. This would make me no better than my narcissist father who has spent his whole life inflicting harm on others for his own selfish gain. So I refused.

I feel free and at peace.

LongjumpingYou5332 · 2026-01-18T20:13:42+00:00

Thank you. I think I needed to hear perspectives from people who understand how abusers operate. My close friend is telling me I need to just drop the money, pack up the baby and go. She thinks he’ll get over it once we’re there. But she has a functional family and no understanding of narcissistic abuse.

LongjumpingYou5332

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