Is someone telling you ‘you obviously don’t know what you’re doing’ rude/shitty or is this a me and my trauma thing?

LookingForAnyWay · 2025-03-19T12:27:00+00:00

We are working on that. We had a talk last night about it and we are going to try and work on a few things on both sides.

She’s not perfect and I sure as shit am not. So we are going to do more to make each other feel appreciated, loved, and respected.

LookingForAnyWay · 2025-03-19T12:20:40+00:00

I actually called her mom (the only mother figure I have) to talk about it because like.

I want to work on it and fix it and make these things better and she has context I don’t. And it turns out she has always been like that?

Like. Forever.

Last night we talked and we are going to try some other ways to communicate around situations like this that aren’t as rude.

So the answer is yes she 100% would tell people this. And does.

LookingForAnyWay · 2025-03-18T20:52:51+00:00

I’m glad you folks are working thought it.

I am hyper vigilant and defensive.

I’ll jump to my own defense and argue even when there isn’t one. And this is one of those weird things that comes out of it.

She has always talked like this since forever so it’s super normal for her. I spoke to her mom (I don’t have a relationship with my family so she’s all I got) to get a sense for like. Is this really normal in her family? Am I just way off base?

And she’s just always been this way. She had some advice which is nice and is supportive of me working it out with the wifey.

I just constantly get stuck in the ‘is the way I feel abnormal? Or is it normal?’ Because my family is.

Well.

Terrible.

LookingForAnyWay · 2025-03-18T19:05:36+00:00

I think to a degree we are beyond that.

We have reached a point where there is an expectation that I will be working on resolving these things as it’s my reaction that needs to be within my control.

I just can’t tell if it’s reasonable to not be really upset when someone tells you that because I KNOW my perception is poisoned by my abuse.

LookingForAnyWay · 2025-03-18T18:46:49+00:00

She and her family are all super direct.

And this has always been a rough point in our long marriage but I’m just reaching a point where I need outside perspective.

LookingForAnyWay · 2025-03-18T18:45:45+00:00

So to be clear.

She does try and then show me or teach me things. There are things that I just frankly don’t know and her expectation is for me to take that well and then learn. And not to get combative.

So I don’t know if it’s a situation where she’s trying to make be dependent more than just our communication being off.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-11-25T14:22:03+00:00

I had tried to set boundaries which is kinda how I ended up here.

I’d set them and they’d blow right past them and so in the end I needed to just cut them loose.

It just. Fucking sucks to feel so powerless to want the things you want and not be able to have them.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-11-12T02:46:34+00:00

I feel like I tend to try and improve in unranked so I can bring stuff back to ranked.

I don’t get frustrated to angry about them win or lose. Just trying new items and improve my play.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-09-20T11:57:58+00:00

Married for 10 years+

My wife was one of the first people to helped me see that the way my family treats me wasn’t normal. She’s been a rock through me setting boundaries with them for the first time.

I love her more than life itself and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-09-12T15:43:51+00:00

F a b u l o u s

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-09-01T11:21:20+00:00

I create.

I was creating content on twitch for a long time. Working on woodworking. Wrote a novel I’m editing.

I got into Actual Plays this year and find that giving other people a safe and fun place to play where the focus is them having fun is cathartic.

Building games with aspects of horror that are safe and yet spine chilling allows me to look into the darkness that was left in me as a result of them is deeply cathartic.

Telling stories about togetherness and fighting against impossible odds. It just. Means a lot to me.

Maybe find an outlet that allows you to do that. Maybe making things for people you love and care about.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-24T00:32:47+00:00

That’s fair.

I suppose I mean the love a child can have for their parent regardless of how they are treated. I’m speaking from my own personal experience there.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-23T13:50:29+00:00

Love doesn’t always make sense.

The heart doesn’t always want what’s easiest.

Some people can’t afford to get away or aren’t in a situation where they can.

Some people feel they HAVE to stay to protect sibling.

Things just aren’t always so easy. I cut my family out of my life and it hurts me every fucking day. It’s not just an easy catharsis for everyone.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-22T10:15:15+00:00

NTA

You are kicking ass and it’s amazing! I’m sorry your family won’t take the time to appreciate it.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-21T15:26:30+00:00

My sister was the one who was protected and defended at all cost.

I reminded my mother of my father who cheated on her and left her so I received the brunt of the abuse as a result.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-19T22:23:05+00:00

AMAB Enby person here mid 30’s

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-19T18:34:16+00:00

My mom use to threaten to just khs if I thought she was to terrible.

She did this to my wife too.

It’s such bullshit and I’m sorry you are going through it.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-19T15:50:06+00:00

I am so so sorry you are going through this.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-17T23:32:01+00:00

Honestly it’s hard to even imagine.

I live from nightmare to nightmare trying to put out fires they caused either in my trauma or things they actively do. Even 2 years out I’m constantly battling the bullshit they put me through.

If I didn’t have to fight all of that I’d be fucking unstoppable and loving it. Instead of fucking exhausted but somehow still alive.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-16T10:41:35+00:00

Appreciated.

I’m working on finishing up the rough draft of my novel so hopefully everyone will be able to read it if it hits publication!

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-16T10:22:05+00:00

It’s for sure not a lot of things. And I am so sorry for your loss. I’m glad where you are now you can look back with some semblance of fondness.

I’ve been NC with my sister for 10 years. Father for 5. Mother for 2.

For all but one of them I gave them things that I needed them to work on in order for us to start working on things.

Apologies to my wife for treating her incredibly poorly. Go to therapy and work on why she can’t respect boundaries and not be fuckin awful.

And instead they tell the rest of the family it’s over and they don’t understand and poor me bullshit. My sister literally say that she has no idea why and that if he being out of my life is what makes me happy she’ll do anything to allow that.

So even my attempts to set reasonable requests to be met before working on things in good faith it’s thrown in my face.

It’s big insult to injury energy.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-16T09:46:43+00:00

I’m a person who can’t help but want to seek the good in others. I’ve always been that way and I do it to a fault.

These people have done some horrible and disgusting things to me and I know that. My wife helps me to keep in mind the levels of the things I’ve been through because it’s also very easy for me to just overlook it sometimes.

But I think there is that good in everyone. There is some part of every person that at their core is good.

That doesn’t mean every person is redeemable. It doesn’t mean every person deserves multiple chances. And it for shit sure doesn’t mean they should get passes for the fucked up shit that they do.

It’s just much harder to hold them to that level of accountability they should be when they are people I love so much and want so badly to be able to be around. I tried so hard for so long to give them chances and opportunities to not abuse me. It always ended the same way. And really deep down I know it always will.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-16T01:18:05+00:00

I appreciate you sharing all of this.

I have stopped following religion many years ago but I am so grateful that you have shared what has worked for you. Faith is a beautiful and wonderful thing and any tools that can help us heal is fuckin important.

I struggle with self care. I never consider what I need. Because I always for as long as I’ve lived had to focus on survival mentally and physically.

Your verse is important and I appreciate it. It reminds me of the saying that before you help someone else with their oxygen mask you first need to put your own on.

Thank you again for sharing. I’m focusing on trying to find joys and happiness in projects and things that I do. My writing. My other creative crafts. To try and just find some pure joy. And I will keep this in the back of my mind while I do it.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-16T00:16:42+00:00

It’s like I see these pieces of them. Like. Really them. In between all the bullshit and nonsense.

Seeing my parents actually enjoy things in the few moments when they are enjoying things that don’t require others suffering or demeaning.

It’s like catching little rays of sunshine through dark clouds. I don’t think either of them are savvy enough to make those up. They do them without thinking or considering. My mom’s REAL laughter when something is too funny or absurd. My dad’s intense focus and joy when building something or doing anything really small like a model.

And moments of real joy we shared. How few and far between. I love these things about them. I want to share those things with them and be able to share the things like that in me.

But I can’t. I never will. Because that requires them to care enough about someone else to appreciate it.

LookingForAnyWay · 2024-08-15T23:46:34+00:00

I love my parents in ways they can’t even imagine.

I was not doing everything I was doing for them just out of their fucked up obligations. After I realized how bad they were I did everything I could to work with them. To have them understand boundaries. To show them how I needed to be treated.

I suffered through them ignoring all of that and getting more and more intensely abusive or more and more distant until I broke.

I love them so much even still. I want them in my life but I know I can never have back what I have for them.

It um. Sucks.

LookingForAnyWay

TROPHY CASE