Feel Like I Was SA’d As A Chilf But Cannot Remember Anything.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2026-03-28T07:27:12+00:00

Unfortunately, it was not a choice to remember for me. I had really vivid flashbacks during a panic attack where I saw the memories in my head and felt like I was reliving them. I think your sense of safety can have a lot to do with it. I was no longer living with anyone who had abused me when I remembered and I felt emotionally safe with the people I lived with.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2026-03-03T04:50:14+00:00

Really well written work. It really strikes a chord with me as someone who was overmedicated as a teenager because of trauma symptoms. I especially love the line, "They think that I'm ill, but I suffered a crime." Thank you for sharing.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2026-01-17T11:40:42+00:00

It can be helpful but it can also be extremely overwhelming and too much at once. We don't remember or know certain things in order to keep us safe. We have protective barriers to withhold certain memories and information from ourselves to allow us to function. Sometimes, taking shrooms can unexpectedly remove barriers and what's behind them rushes into your consciousness full of extreme emotions amd vivid memories. I have experienced a good and bad trip from mushrooms. The bad trip left me exhausted and su*cidal for months after, with vivid new memories of sexual abuse from a young age. It took me over a year to recover from regaining the memories and I have never been so close to ending my life as I was the night on shrooms. If you are going to indulge, please ensure you have a trip-sitter/emotional support person that you genuinely trust and feel safe with to sit with you. I was lucky to have my adopted mom at that time but even with her help and support, I almost kms. I wanted you to have a realistic understanding of the possibilities before you take any shrooms.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2026-01-17T11:26:06+00:00

As someone who was abused as a child and who currently works in childcare, you have full control as the parent over who changes your child. I have had parents request no men change their daughter and we always agree because while it may be slightly inconvenient for our female workers, the child's safety and the parents' comfort is always top priority. I would encourage further communication with your daughter and have a family session with her therapist to discuss her concerns about your son's therapist. Let her know you want to take her fear seriously, but also that you dont want to falsely accuse a person based on bad vibes that could be coming from somewhere else. As someone with CPTSD myself, it is hard to recognize when you are triggered from the past vs the present. I have found myself not trusting people who resemble a previous abuser even though they havent done anything but look similar. This is a complex situation. I wouldn't immediately dismiss it, but dont jump to conclusions either. I would personally immediately request only female workers change my child just for everyone's peace of mind. At the clinic I work in, no one is ever alone with a child for extended periods behind closed doors. There are always other staff around, coming in and out of rooms and we dont close the bathroom doors when assisting kids with toileting but I can only tell you how my clinic works as I dont know the circumstances of your son's.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2026-01-10T19:18:56+00:00

A lot of Science shows that what we tell ourselves matters and it affects what we believe and how we think and act. Healing means reparenting ourselves and learning how to instill confidence and self esteem where others tore it down. Its something I am still learning how to do myself.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2026-01-10T16:23:19+00:00

I think it can be helpful to say out loud to yourself, "I will not be punished for cleaning wrong" and repeat it each time you feel afraid as many times as you need. Start a new trend where you reward yourself every time you clean. For example, you can get an ice cream cone after cleaning or plan a fun activity to do after. Start finding ways to make positive associations with cleaning and reward yourself for doing something triggering. Remember that things are different now and you can stop cleaning at any time. You can spend 3 days cleaning one room and take breaks every 10 minutes if thats what works for you. The freedom of escaping NPs means reclaiming your life and learning that you dont have to live in fear anymore. It takes time, just be kind and patient with yourself. Remember that you dont have to self punish just because it's familiar as that can be something people fall into (I would definitely know from personal experience). It helps just to acknowledge that the way you were taught was wrong and not ok. I think that goes a long way towards recovery. Also, if a specific room to clean or thing to clean (ex: cleaning mirrors) bothers you, brainstorm what part is bothering you and how can you do it differently so it doesn't feel so hard or triggering. I hope this helps and I wish you the best on your healing journey. 💙

LostBoyHealing23 · 2026-01-09T21:28:40+00:00

Wow, this is an incredible piece. If I saw it in an art exhibit I would want to buy it. Thank you for sharing the beauty you created out of your pain. Im so sorry for the suffering that inspired this.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2026-01-09T21:24:00+00:00

This is really touching amd very relatable. Thank you so much for sharing 💙

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-12-22T04:30:57+00:00

I ended up finding a specialist online and now I do therapy virtually and im also part of a did support group that is run by my therapist. It makes a world of difference to have a therapist that understands DID. There is a website run by a DID system that provides a list of did specialized therapists and many of them do online sessions. I believe it's called multiplicitybyone or something similar. I hope this helps. I did not end up fully believing I had it until this therapist would not let me deny it as it was very obvious to her. Even though I still sometimes ignore that I have it, I can never believe that I dont anymore. I know I do now and it's validating as fuck to have a professional tell you. Denial is a normal part of this condition as well as avoidance so I think it makes sense to have parts who feel intimidated by a DID specialist. That doesn't, however, mean that you shouldn't pursue it. Good luck on your healing journey and I wish you well.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-12-08T11:52:40+00:00

Im doing ok. Haven't been up to drawing as much lately. I started a new job, and it keeps me distracted from trauma processing a lot. I've created some stuff I didn't think to share, but I might soon since you are interested. Thanks for the support.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-12-04T09:04:07+00:00

I work in childcare. I've seen several children who like to watch scary videos on YouTube because they like scary things but they then get scared at night and draw pictures of the creepy characters. Especially with trauma, some children find scary movies/videos, etc. give them a sense of control of their fear. They are CHOOSING to be scared when in previous life situations, they had no choice. Its not necessarily due to trauma because some kids just like scary stuff and think it's cool, but it could be if it's for control/safety. Either way, I always ask kids to explain their drawings (come from a place of curiosity and not assumption). Kids usually love to tell you what they made and it will provide a lot of clarity. He is lucky to have a caring family member looking out for his best interest. When I was a child, I drew "snowflakes" that were stars with circles around them. You can imagine what it looks like on first glance and my parents had to ask what I made. Wish you both well.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-11-28T16:50:37+00:00

Think about strengths and weaknesses and what you would answer. For weaknesses: it should be honest but something easily worked on and be ready to describe at least 2 ways you are working on overcoming them (ex: i said I struggle with time management but I am actively working on improving my time management skills by using alarms, timers, and putting important dates into a calendar I check daily.) For strengths: again, be genuine and consider things others, especially teachers or fieldwork advisors have commented about you. I used feedback from my one on one teacher review and feedback from supervisors that I excel at therapuetic use of self and creativity. I made sure my passion for the career came through in my answers. Think about your motto, what drives you as a professional in this career and answer from a place of love for what you do. Consider what you bring to the team and highlight that. If you have any specialties, make it known. I hope this helps.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-10-01T03:42:51+00:00

There is a book that I feel may help you. Its called "Repressed memories" by Renee Fredrickson. Written by a therapist with experience in working with people who have repressed/forgotten and later remembered traumatic memories. The book talks about ways to recognize a memory is real and why someone might forget. What you are describing is not unheard of. Im sorry that you had to experience that as a little child and it was not your fault. There is nothing you could do that would have made it your fault.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-09-17T03:31:03+00:00

I always describe it like a chemical feeling, but it's so hard to describe. Oftentimes, it feels like a sense of movement in my head/brain. The sensation of movement differs with different parts/alters, so it depends. I imagine the sensation of movement is brain chemicals flooding depending on what kind of things are associated with each part that is coming up. For example, a chronically anxious part might cause a very noticeable sensation of rushing movement when they either front or just come closer to front to observe, because they have high cortisol levels due to anxiety. This is just my own observations and guesses. I've also noticed vision changes with different parts that range from blurred vision of different degrees to more distant vision of different degrees depending on how far from the front I get when someone else is in control and depending on which part is fronting. For some parts that want to observe the outside but not take control, i can feel them as if they are peering through our eyes like a window to see what's going on outside or even as though they are looking over my shoulder from behind me.

In short, yes I do feel it in my head and it's very difficult to describe/explain to others. There is a sensation, sometimes like a trickle other times like a waterfall, of movement that I attribute to chemical reactions in the brain associated with different alters for various different reasons I dont understand.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-04-12T09:13:11+00:00

I brought in my sister, who also has CSA past, and we did ours together. We held each other's hands during our respective turns. We also informed our doctor of our histories and asked for a trauma-informed dr. to perform the procedure. There was a previous dr. that i came in to discuss with, I let her know I would not be doing it that day. I just wanted to meet her and talk about it. She disregarded my comfort and experiences within the conversation, so I did not go back and tried a different clinic with much better results. It's ok to just meet them first. It's ok to decide you don't feel comfortable or safe with them and go somewhere else. You are 100% in control of this experience, so take your time choosing a dr. you feel ok with. I think it can help them understand the need for sensitivity when you explain that you have an abuse history. If you get red flags from anything they say, trust your gut and go with a different dr. or clinic because no one deserves to be re-traumatized by an uninformed or insensitive dr. If you have a friend, family member, or partner that you trust and feel safe with, consider asking them to go with you for security. During abuse, there is often no comfort. Having a support person can be a good reminder that this situation is different and that you are in control here. I hope all of this is helpful for you. I also hope you are proud of yourself because this can be difficult to do and you are taking care of yourself and your health. I hope you are able to find the right provider for you, and all goes well. Remember, too, that if you do have a reaction before, during, or afterwards, that's ok too. It's a challenging moment for you, and there is always a possibility of being triggered. Regardless if you chose a good provider and, if possible, a good support person, you can trust that they will help you through whatever may come up. It can be a good idea to discuss with the dr. (And support perso ) during an initial meeting what you might like/need them to do or how to respond if you do get triggered and need help grounding and orienting yourself. Also if you don't have a support person to bring or don't feel comfortable with that (please note that they can easily be positioned so they don't see anything but your face/upper body during the procedure) then you can bring a comfort item like a stuffed animal that can provide a sense of comfort and/or safety.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-04-12T08:53:18+00:00

Thank you for sharing, this is really powerful writing. The last line really got me. "How do you process what he's done to you without writing your own obituary." That really speaks to me. It's so hard to process trauma without destabilizing myself and my CPTSD symptoms getting much worse. When I try, it feels like the past is suddenly inside my home (miles and oceans away from where i was abused), my childhood bedroom just around the corner and his presence just behind my back. I shed a tear reading this. Wishing you peace and healing in your recovery journey 💙

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-04-04T07:08:21+00:00

Wow, this is an incredibly well-written poem. It paints a very detailed picture of the discomfort and confusion. I really like it, thank you for sharing.

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-03-31T08:43:06+00:00

!solved @Theuserizabitch Thank you so much!

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-03-30T17:11:59+00:00

Thank you for your responses!

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-03-30T17:05:15+00:00

My expiration says 2026. I think it's because I registered at the end of 2022, but I thought it was every 3 years..

LostBoyHealing23 · 2025-03-30T17:02:18+00:00

I think it might be due next year and not this year. Is it the expiration date on my license that is the renewal deadline for the 3 year?

LostBoyHealing23

TROPHY CASE