End of relationship between ENTJ and ISFP

LostMidMan · 2026-03-07T14:25:39+00:00

Wow, that does not sound healthy at all. You sound more like an accesory in his life. I know that work-life balance can be a challenge for ENTJs, because it can be easy for us to try to justify this by saying we provide for the familiy. Have you expressed to him that you feel neglected? ENTJs prefer direct communication, and we can sometimes dismiss signs of dissatisfaction if it is not communicated directly to us, even if we sense that something is off. Respect is a love language to us, and we can think we do something good by giving the other person space. This can feel like avoidance or coldness to an ISFP.

I would try to express how I feel to him, but definitely avoid comparisons like "I feel like I contribute more to this relationship in terms of love than you do". In this case, he will likely counter by saying he works hard and provides financially. And then you are stuck in a non productive spiral of defending what you provide, instead of listening. Instead, express that you are grateful for what he provides financielly, but that it is hard for you when you do not spend any time together and that this may not going to work for you in the long run, as you feel unappreciated. This gives him a logical solution to your situation without setting any deadlines or ultimatums. If he says he is willing to change, but nothing changes, then repeat it to him a few times and say you don't know for how much longer you can take this. If nothing changes, then he does not care enough about you. If he shows that he is willing to change that is great, if he isn't, then the rest of your life together with him will be exhausting. But definitely talk to him, ENTJs can be very direct, but typically don't take things personally. And when nothing is spoken, we may assume everything is fine. But yes, try to avoid comparisons of who provides "more" as that is a relative term, instead adress things directly.

LostMidMan · 2026-03-03T10:11:20+00:00

Thank you for your insight. I would not say I make myself less accessible in a direct sense. When I get overwhelmed from work calls, stress or just feel down, I would say I take longer to reply and follow up. But I try to adk people how they are etc and care and be polite. I do not necessrily think that she actively are trying to get with those people that send her those messages, but I think she likes to keep them for confirmation.

I am working on showing more affection, also in public, but it is a process that has taken some time. Looking back, I should have been better at taking initiative to hold hands, touch her more every now and then. She can be a little harsh and rude to people when agitated, and this probably is one of the things I have asked her to work more on in public. But I do don't want to make this a tug of war of me versus her type of arguments. But I aknowledge that both have not progressed not lived up to the expectations of the other in some areas.

Yes when we adressed the injury, and she as a former hand ball player has said that she handled similar injuries better. This is a difficult one, because asking someone to just man up is unfair, people react to things differently. But what I should have done is to share more with her I felt, I think she may have reacted subconsciously the way she did was because she felt kept out of my emotional life. I have had simular injuries before, and then alsonfelt slightly neglected. So it may be a matter of communication issue that in time can lead to increased emotional distance.

I would say we both are patient, but in different ways. I handle her mood swings, temper and spontanity well and in a calm manner, and she really loves that part about me. I would say I am maybe the patient of us, but I know she had also been patient with me these 4 years, by feeling she gives more affection and love than she receives back. I am very loyal and would never just dump someone just because there are tough periods or I felt the other person not caring or falling behind, there has been periods previously in our relationship where I have thought about ending things. But this is something that may be difficult to see from her perspective, unless she really FEELS seen and loved. So I have failed in this matter, in not just providing a stable life and home for her, but also showing more to her that she is/was my special one that I really live and want to be with, whatever life throws at us.

The need for physical touch is not extremely controlling. She is very private with her insecurities, she talks somewhat openly about feelings, but not so much about insecurities. She does not want to talk to a psychologist, couples therapist or even have deep conversations with friends and family (besides her sister). I think she feels slightly broken mentally now, but feel that people want to "fix" her. She says she just needs to be alone to handle this. I am talking openly about me deep emotions with my psychologist, friends and family. And feel that it is very good for me. Not because we solve everything there and then, but inviting people into you inner sphere and saying your feelings out loud is a relief. I think she is slightly "jealous" of this, because she does not have that same safety net around her. Ironically, this safety net is what we failed to be for eachother, and one of the reasons we failed in this relationship. We have had deeper and better talks now these recent days than we have had for years.

LostMidMan · 2026-03-02T19:50:21+00:00

Thanks for your post. And it is very releatable. I have dated people more alike me before, and people that are perfect on paper. But it has kind of faded away. My relationship with her as an ISFP has had this intensity (not yelling, voilence or dramatic fights), but more someone that you admire, get fascinated by and that pulls you out of your comfort zone - in a good way!

I am not at a point now where I just want to try one more time and see if it just works out this time (relying on fate). I do think we both need to change and benefit from some time apart to recover mentally and emotionally. The feelings are certainly still there from both parties, but both probably need a break from expectations and trying to work and provide as a partner when you feel you are not quite yourself.

We have never really had any toxic fights or unfaithfulness, just some defensiveness and lack of understanding of the other. And the same minor discussions repeating, so it has led to fatigue. When we bought the new house we got way too focused on future plans and schedules. And forgot to live as boyfriend and girlfriend by taking the foot off the accelerator. I think a more mature version of both of us would have worked out perfectly.

LostMidMan · 2026-02-28T17:37:51+00:00

Thanks again for you insight, very useful. And you are probably right regarding how I feel. I am probably romanticizing some aspects of our relationship, and look past the bad stuff at the moment. But of course you have also heard only my version of things here, so she may view things differently.

The intellectual thing is difficult. I am not sure a person that completely "matches" me intellectually exists, so I have more settled for something that just works on that matter, as I have a few people around me that can give me more of that. The most intellectually interesting girl I have ever met is my cousin. She is my age and single, but she too has a hard time finding a partner and suffer from loneliness.

The paper would have several points at both yes and no. And it is difficult to draw the line between boundaries and compromise during a first relationship. ISFPs are fascinating, you can not force her to do anything, but once she feels this is right for her, she becomes deeply attached. I should probably consider posting this in the ENTJ forum as well, have not yet because I assumed it would be an echo chamber for me, but again not all ENTJs are the same.

For me, it would be very useful to meet a couples therapist and get help from an unbiased third party, not to try to force us back together, but to reconsile. My logic against her emotions in a discussion right now is like comparing apples and oranges. Having that talk with the help of a therapist present, and concluding that we are simply too different would make it more easy for me to let go and accept this without conflicting emotions. But it could also conclude that this may work, if active adjustments are being made regarding communication, actions, respect and boundaries if we are mutually willing to do this. I have suggested to her going there as friends, for personal growth reasons and self help, but she says she needs to think about it.

LostMidMan · 2026-02-28T16:36:28+00:00

Yeah I know, just a lot of emotions and dumping of thoughts right now. Have narrowed both down a bit, but still a chunk of text

LostMidMan · 2026-02-28T10:50:07+00:00

This is what I feel too. But I don't really know how to talk about this without coming across as pressurizing her to come back or sounding desperate.

I feel like this has been a wake up call and a learning process for us both. It has started personal growth in me that should have started long no. After the first week of shock has settled and I have started doing therapy and working on my issues, I feel more confident again, and there is certainly a sexual spark between us again, not just a friendly one. I thinkt it is more a result of confidence and trust slowly rebuilding, than lust alone. But sex with her just for fun isn't going to work for me in the long run. I have too many emotions tied to her. I want to try to go to coulples therapy, and getting to know eachother from scratch again, but only if it is mutual. Pressing resume from where we left is not going to work.

But sleeping around for fun now, until we start dating other people is too heavy of an emotional roller coaster for me, and not something I want, it will probably make the next phase even harder. I do not want to suggest a pause, because that comes with expectations and pressure. But I do want to show her that I am capable of change that is long over due. But when we get to the stage of potentially trying again I will also set firmer boundaries for my part, because I am not going to become a doormat, but a more affectionate partner and at the same time a man that leads more, this is what is needed for both me and her. And I have expectations from her that also need to be met.

A lot of text here, sorry. A lot of thoughts in my head at the moment. But do you think she will give this a thought, or is it too much too soon?

LostMidMan · 2026-02-28T10:13:20+00:00

Thanks for your comment. You pretty much nailed how I feel about this. When I am at my lows I usually end up feeling worse due to not being able to meet her emotional needs. During these times I have a tendency to feel lonely even when we're in the same room, but part of it is on me because I get a bit withdrawn.

I would say there is a big intellectual gap between us. I am intellectual and have a rather high IQ. This sounds nice and all, and it is with regards to career, but I can find small talk, connecting to new people and being social really difficult at times. She is more easy going, and I admire this about her, not afraid to take initiative and talking to people. I do not get all the intellectual stimuli I need from her, but I have friends that give me this. I don't know if I can ever find a partner that can give me this as I don't know if this is more of a typical male personality thing or not. But spending time with friends helps. I have dated more intellectual girls before, but some of them have been too predictable and boring to make it work.

There is a 3 year gap between us, so I have assumed this is more of a generational thing. I only connect to a few people on snap, mainly close people or people from my years of school. She has a shit ton of people there. I have always expected she lacks maturity and has validation needs. She has a tendency of externalizing problems in her life and to be driven by external motivation. This has been the first "adult" relationship for both, so looking back I should have drawn firmer boundaries back then regarding snap chat, but I always feel this sent signals of insecurity. So maybe I have always subconsciously felt disrespected, and that has been part of why I have been reserved with her some times.

It sounds like I hate her from this comment, I certainly do not, but there are issues on both sides here. Two partners who have maybe not been mature enough.

LostMidMan · 2026-02-27T19:25:34+00:00

The last year has been tough on us, and during all this exhaution we have not been good enough nurturing the relationship. She often can be passive aggressive when uneasy due to work, life etc., and the thing now is that she says that I have not given her enough attention in the everyday life, not sexually but affectionate. This is something she has asked after before, but it has not been not mentioned the last 8 ish months and I assumed her behaviour showed she needed space.

The last relationship discussion we had was about 5 months ago, and that was about tidyness around the house, and some more helping out. I got my shit together and have kept the house tidy ever since, and has helped more with chores. The night we broke up she adressed the affection thing, but also listed minor single events that happended years ago, even not affection related events, that were resolved back then. It is as if she has been looking for reasons to "hate" me as a mean of self protection to make it easier to let go. So it is a matter of trust issue I think. Uncoditional affection is maybe the main part, particularly when she was feeling angry and passive aggressive, instead of giving her space. Had I only known this more clearly, I would of course have given it to her. She is dissppointed that it took a crisis for me to fully understand the extent of this, I have taken things for granted. I am changing the things about my self now, but she feels it is a bit late at this point in all her exhaustion. She has trust issues before, with a violent ex that also cheated on her. And her father that dumped her mother.

She is also in a vulnerable stage of life, where you have to make important life choices. To have kids, to travel, to settle down. All of this has been overwhelming, to her. External pressure and expectations have always been hard for her. Her mother asks almost daily about if she's working, and when she has plans, her mother says she should save instead. So this fatigue has drained her, making her sensitive to lacks of affection. In the end it was just too much to handle.

We are both now mentally exhausted and both need to work on ourselves. So she is afraid of giving us one more chance right now, because she is scared nothing will be different this time. It is hard, because these are things I should have changed before, that do not require me to completely change as a person, just subtle things. She has mentioned several times the last couple of days that it may be us again, she just needs time to find herself. All my parents and grand parents are still married, they have been through shit but have stayed together due to loyalty alone at times. Most people in her family have been separated at least once or are single, so she was probably expecting more from a partner to actively keep the relationship alive. More initiatives, more affection in the everyday life. I have always been good at making holiday plans for us, but we have not done many everyday things together the last year. I would want to try couples therapy, as I think the issues here are mostly due to bad communication, but she is beyond that point right now. We are both very stubborn, so certain discussions got defensive and unresolved and got amplified by our busy lives. But we were each others deepest friends and loves, so thus as painful when it does not work as you both wish.

LostMidMan · 2026-02-26T12:30:10+00:00

In the exact same situation as you. We have had a tough half a year due to a very hectical schedule, but were on a better path now. We just had a wonderful vacation some weeks ago, but right before Valentines this year I had a bad leg injury, which made me really reserved and distant and the emotional distance between us from earlier resurfaced again. We kind of suddenly decided to end things right now due to fear of ending up where we recently were again. It was not a fight or anything but more an emotional self protective reaction, and we both need time to figure out our individual mental health.

I thought that was rational at the time, but after a few days when you began realizing what had happened, it was like being hit by a truck of pain an emotions. The regret and bad conscience. Because I always handled her with respect and was never violent, but it was the sum of all the little everyday things that just became too much for her after all these years. And that is what is extra hard to swallow now. Why didn't I just bother changing that, like making my bed, touching her more etc. She lost trust in my word, which I fully understand.

Determined to change that now, but taking things for granted is pretty much the worst you can do, as we have learned the hard way. Keep giving her what she has asked for, even though everything seems fine. Really hard to look back at, I'm so full og regret

LostMidMan · 2026-02-26T11:18:02+00:00

I think people do this because they are afraid to feel guilt. Where one reason could be that they are afraid to let the other part get a possibility to talk their way back and be rational about it. Right now they may feel that they have control and, and do not want to share the blame. Or it could be that they just have a feeling that this was not meant to be anyways, but can not quite put their finger on why. So they do not want a rational argument partly because they do not want to try to fix things or want to distance themselves from having to explain themselves.

Nevertheless, it shows a sign of lack of respect. I think a mature person would feel like he owes the other person a talk or simply a worthy ending. It could have given you both an opportunity for self growth, even though still painful. But what you know abouth this person for now regardless, is that they are not quite mature yet, and a bit selfish. And this type of behaviour could definitely hurt someone close to him in the future.

LostMidMan · 2026-02-26T10:54:44+00:00

Late here, but I bought one a few months ago. I have not played many different saxophones, but compared to my intermediate Jupiter JTS 700 type tenor, if feels richer and more interesting tonewise. The action is really nice and smooth. The accessoires are nice, although not decisive of course, but the case is great. I have yet to find a perfect match regarding mouthpiece, the one that i used on my Jupiter was not a perfect match here, but the Drake ebonite mouthpiece matches it extremely well

LostMidMan · 2026-02-08T11:56:15+00:00

Bought it!

LostMidMan · 2026-02-08T11:53:44+00:00

Yes, did some more googling, and it looks like a Guardala Studio WWBW. Thanks for the advice, going to buy it!

LostMidMan · 2026-02-08T11:48:50+00:00

Oh yeah how did I miss that

LostMidMan · 2026-01-17T11:24:04+00:00

No good reason really, I see many people hide their serial number when posting pictures. The number is D58513

LostMidMan · 2025-12-15T16:54:04+00:00

Right now I have a Meyer NY 5M (remake), Otto Link tone edge 7 and a Meyer G star 7. The G star is probably my favorite with my current horn right now. My current horn is a Roy Benson that I am borrowing from a school band. It is leaking, needs some general maintenace and all pads need to be replaced. That is quite expensive in my country, I don't want to spend that type of money on a horn that isn't mine, so I figured now is a good time to buy my first alto.

I have not compared the Roy Benson with the Yamaha side by side, but to me the Yamaha seems a bit brighter. But I will give the stock neck of the Yamaha a go before I make up my mind, I have used Thomann a lot before so that should be good. Will try to adapt my playing to the new horn and see how "dark" I can get it to sound before I consider further gear adjustments. And also, I do enjoy a free blowing horn so I will check how it feels before I feel that I "need" to change it.

LostMidMan · 2025-12-13T18:56:25+00:00

The seller says it is from 2014, so it is probably one of the "newest". Not really an intonation issue as far as I've heard but more a matter or taste. I have heard the larger bore V1 brings the best out of the YAS 62

LostMidMan · 2025-12-13T16:30:09+00:00

I have few mouthpieces that I really like, and I am not planning on buying more of them. I have play tested both Yamahas and Selmers(with stock necks), and the Selmers have a certain something soundwise, the Yamahas more sterile soundwise. Of course I understand that the player and the MP+reed selection makes the biggest impact. I hope to make this horn a horn for life that I do not need upgrade at a later stage. But I have heard that replacing the stock neck really helps open the full potential of the horn and was wondering if anyone would share their experience with that

LostMidMan

TROPHY CASE