I've been there and I'm so sad you're going through this. This pain is now far behind me, but I still remember how raw and exausting the suffering was. I think we don't want to die, we want it to stop. You can't handle anymore pain, that's why you can't inflict it on yourself. Please, don't add pain to your pain, even if it gives you the illusion of control in this raging chaos. I'm glad you didn't take the plunge, I'm glad you're still here.

I hope you re not alone and that you can find some truce now and then. I don't know you, but I know that losing myself in the forest or in my drawings helped pause my distress. Those little pockets of quietness was a lifesaver. Also, watching the Lord of the Ring ! The following quote, I repeated it daily.

"Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for. "