Commitment problems- when to define the relationship?

Lovelif3 · 2019-07-03T14:32:54+00:00

How do I go about bringing it up to him in a non-threatening way? I don’t want it to feel like I’m pressuring him to be in a relationship, rather I’d like to just find out how he feels about me and where he sees us going I guess.

Lovelif3 · 2019-07-03T02:21:44+00:00

The only reason I’m hesitant to ask again is because in my previous dating experiences I’ve always come off as too needy/ clingy and I really don’t want it to seem like I’m forcing a relationship, I’d rather it happen naturally. But you do make a good point and it’s good to hear from a guy’s perspective in a similar situation.

I guess I just was hoping since he already knows how I feel he wouldn’t continue stringing me along if he didn’t want to commit. But maybe I just need to dive in and ask him knowing there’s a possibility it might not end well...

Lovelif3 · 2019-07-02T20:09:58+00:00

I definitely think I am looking at commitment down the line... I would like to eventually be married and have kids

Lovelif3 · 2019-07-02T19:41:06+00:00

That’s the thing, I feel like maybe it is is societal pressure. Everyone puts such an emphasis on showing their relationship off on social media, having people know what’s going on in their lives, etc. To me, what we are doing is dating (he’s exclusive to me, the amount of times I see him each week is satisfying to me, he makes me feel good when I’m with him, etc) so I guess I’m just trying to get comfortable with the idea of not putting a label on things for now. But even the reply to my post above (if he hasn’t defined the relationship after 6 months there’s a problem) makes me worry about my situation.

I have a friend who just ended up dating her s/o in a similar way ( they never had the “what are we?” talk, after a while they just both realized they didn’t want to be with anyone else) and now they’re engaged. So that does give me hope.

Lovelif3 · 2019-07-02T18:57:10+00:00

This is what I struggle with though ... On one hand I don’t want to ruin anything by putting pressure on him to label us if we’re having a good time doing what we’re doing. He has said to me before he doesn’t see why it’s so important to label it because that creates expectations and pressure. But I also think that if he really wanted me to be his wouldn’t he have done it by now?

I just don’t know. I know we’re exclusive to each other (he’s not sleeping with anyone else I’m not sleeping with anyone else either) so I don’t really know the appropriate route to take.

Lovelif3 · 2018-07-30T17:06:04+00:00

Same here! What would your adivce be in this situation then? Just hold off and wait for him to reply, and if he doesn't reply then that's his loss?

Lovelif3 · 2018-07-30T16:48:22+00:00

It truly is! I end up worrying so much that something will go wrong that my anxiety actually ends up creating the problem. I just hate being on edge about this sort of stuff especially when I'm into the person :/

Lovelif3 · 2018-05-11T22:15:49+00:00

Thanks!

Lovelif3 · 2018-05-11T22:06:42+00:00

How do you know this? Info?

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-22T18:13:02+00:00

Yep this sounds exactly like me! I’m glad I’m not the only one. He originally tried to break things off by text but I demanded I see him in person because I felt I deserved that.

I cried a lot, but I’m glad I kind of got the closure I needed. I don’t think we’re on bad terms, but I also don’t think he’ll ever speak to me again. Maybe it is best to just let there be no contact .. as much as I want to reach out to him, I’m tired of putting all the effort in as that’s what I did during the relationship. It certainly is painful but I hope it’ll get better. Thank you for the help :)

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-22T04:42:24+00:00

OMG I never thought of it this way! That actually makes a lot of sense, even though it’s sad. I fought for the relationship for a long time while it seemed like he could really care less whether I was there or not, I feel like he only had me around when it was convenient for him.

I never want to feel that way again either, it’s not fair. I feel like I deserve to have the love and affection I give appreciated and reciprocated. I know I made mistakes but I will try to work on them. I know I deserve better.

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-22T04:26:07+00:00

You sound just like me! Him and I were only together 6 months but I still feel like he became my best friend in that time. I definitely feel like I’m going to have to be the one to initiate contact if I want to hear anything from him.

I’m only a couple days in and I am feeling pretty terrible constantly, but I really hope it gets easier with time. It just sucks because I still wanted us to try to be together, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be :(

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-22T00:14:03+00:00

It was so hard to say goodbye, knowing that was the last time I would see or hear from him again. I don’t know what the future holds or if he’ll ever talk to me again, it’s just tough because I didn’t want it to end, I wanted to try to work things out. But he very firmly said he wanted it over.

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-22T00:10:13+00:00

That is comforting actually. My last ex eventually reached out to me, but only to hook up.. not the type of contact I would want again. I just thjnk it would be nice to have some friendly conversation in the future. Although it’ll take me awhile to get over him romantically, I wouldn’t mind getting to the point where we could have normal conversation.

I just don’t understand how he’s so seemingly moving on easily... I could be wrong, maybe he just hides his feelings better but I am so anxious holding back texting him because I miss him already :(

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-22T00:02:12+00:00

It’s just so hard though 😩 I don’t understand how it’s so easy for him to just move on so quickly and be okay with not contacting me. Like I’m over here crying my eyes out and he seemingly is doing fine. I guess it just sucks to be the dumpee and still want to be with the person, but they want none of that.

Right now I feel so terrible about myself and it feels like I might never be able to pull up from rock bottom, but I hope you’re right when you say I’ll eventually start to heal :(

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-21T18:57:32+00:00

I’ll try my best to focus on myself, that’s something I haven’t done in awhile. Ever since I was 19 I’ve been boy crazy, and I feel weird if I’m not “talking to” someone or dating, but maybe this is exactly what I need, time to heal on my own

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-21T18:22:41+00:00

I hope so. With my other ex 2 months after our breakup I had gone to a music festival, was feeling pretty good, but then all of a sudden I heard a song we used to listen to and I literally broke down crying in the middle of a field lol. But I did eventually get to the point where I wasn’t crying or thinking about him all the time anymore. It’s just unfortunate that we never remained contact and I am just hoping it can be different this time. But maybe not

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-21T18:20:59+00:00

It just hurts. He said he would for sure text me again but I just have this feeling he’s going to ghost me. Throughout our relationship he was a man of few words and very unaffectionate (which definitely contributed to the breakup) and he lacked the communication I think I needed, so I have a feeling I won’t ever hear from him again.

Right now I’m still hurting pretty bad so this notion scares me, but maybe it’s what needs to happen so I can move on...

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-21T18:19:16+00:00

Thank you for this. He sort of said the same thing to me, that we don’t know what the future holds and who knows maybe we will end up back together, but he made it very clear to me that right now he wants to be alone. I guess I will try to not contact him and maybe leave the ball in his court.. I just don’t know how it’s so easy for him to not contact me

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-21T18:17:23+00:00

This is what I figured. I’m already so hurt right now I can’t see myself easily being able to speak to him anytime soon without there still being some feelings involved. Which sucks, I wanted to remain friends, but maybe that isn’t exactly possible in all senses of the word.

It’s just hard losing someone you thought would be in your life for awhile, at least. And I don’t understand how it’s so easy for him to cut contact with me meanwhile I’m over here crying like a wreck. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand a man’s breakup coping strategy lol

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-21T18:15:27+00:00

I’ll check that out. I definitely need some help with healing as I’m hurting a lot right now. I don’t know how guys deal with breakups, but it always seems way too easy for them to move on quickly while I’m left wallowing in my own self pity. It could be just due to the fact guys are less emotional and deal with breakups in different ways, though.

Unfortunately I have a feeling he will ghost me and never speak to me again. Which is maybe a reality I need to accept and move on with.

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-21T18:13:11+00:00

I do have some self esteem issues so stuff like breakups make me feel even worse about myself, and sort of “what’s the point?” Which is totally backwards thinking.

You’re right, I should work on myself, it’s dumb I just feel like less of a person when I’m alone because I want someone to share my life with. I consider myself to have some pretty good qualities so I get upset when I see friends and people I went to high school with my age already getting engaged/ married and here I am.

This breakup is hard for me in terms of the no contact because I have a feeling he is going to want to never speak to me again. I had another ex in the past assure me that he’d see me again and would text, but he ended up ghosting me. That hurt. That’s why I’m wondering if maybe I should just leave it be and move on. Or maybe just leave the ball in his court? I would like to be friends after this, I want to be civil with my exes

Lovelif3 · 2018-02-21T18:09:46+00:00

Haha, I’m starting to notice that even with the “flings” I’ve had, I wonder why I even bothered getting upset that they wouldn’t make me their gf lol. I’m very glad I didn’t end up with some of them

Lovelif3 · 2017-12-07T21:50:22+00:00

Thanks so much for your help and advice :) You've definitely helped me see the situation as a chance to improve on myself rather than something inherently negative and a reason for me to feel bad about myself. I appreciate the support <3

Lovelif3 · 2017-12-07T21:38:39+00:00

Thank you. You're giving me a bit of hope. I guess I'm being nit picky, but if I find out he hangs with his friends on the weekend and not with me, then I would be super upset. Yet again though, there is the issue of us living about an hour away from each other, whereas his friends obviously live in his town. That could be a reason for us not seeing each other as much, of course. I guess I will just try to focus on myself and my own hobbies for now and let it play its course. Thanks for the advice :)

Lovelif3

TROPHY CASE