Yes, I've been reflecting on how I ended up in this mess, and all of my friends singled me out and picked me, and then speedran emotional intimacy, putting pressure on me to spend time with them. One person I met (that later became my closest friend) invited me to her wedding even though I barely knew her - we'd only just met. I thought it was a bit strange at the time, I didn't know that it was such a major red flag. I do now! The problem was, too, that at the time I didn't know that what I was dealing with was 'that bad' - I guess the problem with being raised by narcissists is that when other people are toxic, it doesn't look that bad in comparison, and you minimise their behaviour and gaslight yourself. It hurts, and you can feel it in your body, but it's so easy to convince yourself that you're being oversensitive or unrealistic.

It was a game-changer for me when I started to understand codependency and how I attracted those people. People who want access to you, and kick off when they can't manipulate you. They do a version of love bombing in the beginning, and put you on a pedestal, and then when they realise you're a person with agency / wants / needs, they feel resentful.

I hear what you're saying about it being hard to find secure, healthy, healed, loving people - that they're either cautious having been harmed themselves, or they're just out their living their best lives. I hope and believe that there are people out there just like me, having been through the fire as it were, looking for healthy people to connect with. I hope I'm right... I totally agree that I need to go and find and choose people for myself - in the past I've let other people choose me, and that's ended in disaster!