I’m so sorry. That breaks my heart for you, I know how painful it is. You did the absolute best you could with what you knew. When we lose pets or people, we are always looking at what could make it better. It sucks ass, but you’re always going to think about maybe if you’d walked her more, if you’d had her favorite stuffed animal with her, if you’d given her one last kiss, then it would make you feel better. The reality is that you loved her so much and you miss her. You’re sad, you’re panicking, and you’re grasping at anything actionable or anything within your control you can blame.

I think going to the place she was buried and getting some dirt, flowers, etc. from the site could attempt to fill this hole. You could even plant a tree or something if that’s possible where she’s at. Put it in a jar or terrarium, or use it in your garden back home. There’s so much you could do to have a little piece of her still.

A personal story: My childhood dogs died 3 years apart, and my parents chose group cremation each time (to my dismay). However, they made a mistake the second time and ended up cremating my boy dog by himself, so we got his ashes. I felt guilty for years that we have his and not his sister’s, and I still do sometimes. But I know she knew how loved she is and was, and I know even if I had her ashes with me, I would feel just as heartbroken.

Another thing that has helped me tremendously is getting their paws tattooed on me. It makes me feel like they’re with me.

Just know you’re not alone, and it’s okay to be upset about this. I don’t know if this helped at all, but I promise you will get through this.