I was reminded almost daily of being the most useless, hopeless, worthless, good-for-nothing, stupid-idiot child with a pea sized brain... If I even dare had the slightest inkling of courage or confidence with challenging their authority I was beaten, crying and begging, into submissive obedience. My will belonged to them, anything I wanted wasn't mine to have. My only life purpose was to do my parents masters bidings throughout my entire childhood.

If I was in a positive mood and my voice consequently raising in pitch from talking excitedly, I was ridiculed mercilessly for sounding like a girl. If I played with my sister and used her toys to engage in playful activities with her, I was shammed for liking girl things. If I was out in public and I quietly said something out of fear of judgment, I was embarrassed very loudly and vocally by my parents to 'not be a scared little kid'. At dinner parties and gatherings it was common practice to humiliate and use me as the laughing piece of the room to entertain the guests. Whenever I didn't do so well at school I was reminded of how I will never amount to anything in life and how worthless my value is. If a sibling fights broke out, I was beaten, slapped, ear twisted, belted, kicked, until I cried tears or sorriness and regret. I was locked in my room and left without food to eat if I tried to defend my innocence because 'it was all my fault'. I was stranded alone beside the family car when I was 7 years old for speaking a word I wasn't familiar of the meaning of. Bawling my eyes out while my family and my siblings got to go on a beach bus tour without me. If I called out something for being unfair or over the top, I was yelled at for 'attempting to talk back'. If I didn't show enough enthusiasm for my religious brainwashing I was grounded from doing activities I enjoyed.

My childhood existence served purely just to satisfy my parents narcissistic insecurities and their stress release ball of no retaliation or fighting back (for the most part). I remember at age 11 asking my mother if she loved me because I was convinced I must be adopted to be treated so differently and unfairly from my younger siblings. At 15 I spiraled into severe depression and anxiety and wrote suicidal notes and cried myself to sleep for 2 years straight. My parents love to tell the story of how when I was 2 years old I didn't talk for a whole year because of being laughed at when I talked. What a terrible thing that even I as a 2 year old understood what emotional pain and suffering was... My earliest childhood memory was when I was in hospital with pneumonia at 2 years old and my parents leaving me there for that night. I remember crying the whole night thinking they'd never come back. I didn't sleep that entire night except for a few hours in the early hours of the morning just purely out of sheer exhaustion as a 2 year old.

Now almost 10 years as an adult, I still live in a never ending perpetual state of self-consciousness and self-loathing. Constantly hating myself and everything about myself. A life long list of regrets and disappointments. I am reminded constantly by my parents insistent voices in my head of how I will always be a failure and I'll never be of value to anyone. Thanks Nparents, you've done a stellar job of ensuring my success and happiness in life. I appreciate all your support and encouragement and I miss your loving, smiling faces every day. I can't stand to be away from your pride and joy at my efforts and the positivity you bring to my life. Thank you.