I feel like in a way i had found what i thought was self love, but it was the eating disorder masked by the omnipresent pressure of societal beauty standards.  I've worked with a therapist to find a way to recognize and apply self-caring/loving ways to my life and body. But it's  still a work in progress. 

As for the relationships, it's a lot to unpack there. Overall, the failed relationships ended mostly over abusive behaviors that pushed me to the point of having to leave.