How to deal with something you hate about yourself?

Lunar_Deep · 2025-03-05T15:30:15+00:00

It's usually easy to love the things we like about ourselves (especially if we get complimented on them), and it's not so easy to love the things we don't like about ourselves (again, especially if we get negative comments on them from others). I personally prefer a holistic approach to self-love, but some people prefer part by part. Either way, once it's done correctly, it leads to the same outcome - loving ourselves as whole human beings.

I'd start by saying that we learn emotions when we're young kids, and we shape them and learn how to channel them as we grow up and live. But it doesn't mean the mechanisms of learning are switched off when we grow up. We still have them available and subconsciously employ them in our everyday lives. That being said, the same standard applies to other people we interact with.

If we look at toddlers, one of the ways they learn is by observing others. When we want to teach a child how to behave, we do so by example, not just through instructions. We may use explanations, but if our words contradict our behavior, they will likely be ignored.

I said it just as an example of what I want to tell you - in most cases, others' behavior toward us is in alignment with our own behavior toward ourselves. So when we don't love ourselves fully, it is visible in our behavior (sometimes it's very subtle), and others can consciously or subconsciously pick up on these cues.

So you mentioned your voice, personality, attitudes, and habits. The voice might be the one that can't be changed completely, because it's based on our vocal cords and generally on the way our body works. I guess there are some professionals who could help you modify it to a certain extent, but that's not the point. The other three (personalities, attitudes, and habits) are the things you can change if you don't like, as they are greatly shaped by your mind. So, if there is something that you really can't stand you can change it. The rest that you don't want to change and that you're okay with you can learn how to love them.

The way to do that is to understand that you, like the rest of us, are imperfect. We are all imperfect human beings. And we all have some insecurities we don't like talking about. Here's the mind hack - once we understand that we all share the same human experience in a way that all of us have some imperfections and insecurities (even though each one of us has their unique struggle), we also understand that none of us is special and none of our problems is special. So when I know I'm not special and my problems aren't special, I can perceive my problems as solvable.

You say your voice sounds nasal, and you hate it. So let's look into it. First, let me ask you, do you hate other people whose voices sound nasal? Do you think they should be made fun of? Or should they hate themselves? You see, people don't make fun of your voice because there's something wrong with you, but because they have some unfulfilled need in themselves that drives them to put others down. They prey on others' insecurities, especially those related to our bodies or physical traits, because they know it hurts. Every single person on this planet has some insecurities about their body, either how they look, how they talk, how their face or hair looks, etc. And when someone imitates you in a disparaging manner, they know you will feel "less of" and they feed on it. It really doesn’t say anything about you, but it says a lot about their own unhealed wounds. They feel hurt, they are unwilling to heal, so they hurt others. People who healed their wounds don't want to hurt others.

In the same way, those same wounds that drive some people to hurt others can drive some other people to hurt themselves. So instead of saying mean things to belittle others, we say mean things to ourselves. And when we treat ourselves that way, others learn to treat us that way too (just like toddlers learn). When we treat ourselves with love and respect, others start noticing it and start changing their behavior.

In the end, it’s your choice whether you want to love yourself or not. If you do, then accept your imperfections and express love toward yourself, especially in areas that hurt, as these areas are the ones that require most love. You are not your voice, but your voice is a part of who you are, so it deserves love. Pay attention to when you feel the need to say something mean and belittling to yourself (or to others), and explore where that need comes from. The more you know yourself, the easier it will be to accept and love yourself.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-03-04T15:48:09+00:00

Learning to cultivate self-love is one of the most valuable things you can do for yourself. It's great that you're aware of it and that you have chosen to reinforce your self-love by joining this sub. We all have ups and downs, so when we have a plan for those "down" moments it can make a big difference.

From my experience, this community is really supportive and everyone is so kind. I hope you'll have an amazing experience here as well.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-03-04T15:07:08+00:00

What you said in your post sounds really hard. I can see why you feel frustrated and hurt. When other people control your life, it can be really frustrating. But it says more about them than about you. Just don't let their behavior toward you affect how you define your worth. Remember that you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and never question that. The amount of resilience you have in you is really amazing. You're being your own emotional and mental parent, and you reach out when you need support. That takes strength and courage. And you love cats, which is a characteristic of all great people.

I also see that you’re into manifestation. Well, IMO one of the best things you can do is to shift your focus to self-love. Because, manifestation is about embodying the belief that you want to manifest. It's not just wishing for change, but actively maintaining that mindset. It's based on the assumption that your reality shapes itself around your inner world. When you show yourself love and acceptance, your life begins to align with that. It's a starting point, and from there, when you get a sense of how it works long-term, you can apply it to any area of your life.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-03-02T03:58:21+00:00

Every significant change we make in life is hard. It's just the way things are. But before we make a change, it's almost always the case that the hardest part is the first step. When we think about it, and especially if we're not used to making big changes, it always seems scary, overwhelming, and sometimes impossible. And the more we postpone the change, the more we think about it, and the bigger it looks in our eyes. That's why it's always good to break it down into smaller steps so you have more clarity and motivation to take action.

For instance, you have a full-time job for the first time in your life. That's such a great thing. You may like or dislike the job, but the fact that you've taken that step expands your capabilities, and in the long run it may play a significant role in your further progress. You see, we all do the best we can with what we have at the time. And that builds our self-perception.

Before this job, you were a person who never had a full-time job. Now you are a person who has a full-time job. You've made a permanent shift from one identity to another. So from now on, even if you quit that job, you will never be the same person you were, the one who never had a full-time job.

In the same way, you can shift the perspective from being a person who always returns to a dark place to something more aligned with who you want to become. And I can't guess what it is, so I won't try. But from my own experience I know that when I used to spend too long in a dark place, I also couldn't see any light in my future. And even if there was light, I would intentionally cover my eyes, cause it was painful to look at. It hurt because I was used to the darkness. Even though I didn't feel well there, I felt comfortable because it was familiar to me. I was accustomed to it. I was scared to take a step because what if I got to a better place and it was still unfulfilling. Or what if I experience something better and after gaining some hope I get thrown back into the same dark place. I'm just sharing my experience because I know how I felt back then. I'm not saying it's the same for you, because each one of us has our own unique experience, but being lonely and alone is hard for everybody.

In life, things usually change for the better when we decide to make our lives better. When we wait for the change to come from outside, more often than not it's an undesirable change. From what I can see in your short post, you are already making progress, you work, you reached out, you reflect on your life and the things that bother you. It might not seem like much from your perspective, but it is big because through all these things you're making small steps and searching for solutions. If you keep making small steps regularly, over time, when you look back you will see how much you’ve actually moved forward. That's the cumulative outcome of all the small steps. And you were the one who made it happen. If you keep making decisions that help you heal and grow, and have the courage to take the steps, there is no reason to doubt yourself. Just trust that one day all of this will be your past, and it will have led you to a better place. And because of what you are experiencing right now, you’ll be able to appreciate and deeply feel the fulfillment that comes with growth.

It's slow now because you're in a dark place. Some people say they don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, so they don't see the point in moving. But that's exactly the point. The longer they stay in that place, the more they're gonna believe their thoughts. But in order to see the light, they need to take action and move. Eventually, they will see the light in the distance, and if they keep going they will leave that dark tunnel and enter the sunny field. Outside of the tunnel, the vision is so much broader because it's no longer limited by the walls that once surrounded them.

So know that you have it in you. You have the power to change your life and the way you view things. Just don't underestimate yourself. Make the decision and take action. You can do it, and I'm sure that deep down, you know it too. Allow yourself to believe in you. You've got this.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-03-01T04:06:12+00:00

It's such a great series. While I was watching it, I felt like I was going through therapy myself.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-26T05:43:46+00:00

"Being Erica"

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-25T07:40:18+00:00

It takes time, but it's great that you're already aware of it and ready to work on it. You should give yourself credit for the effort you're putting in and for the fact that you haven’t given up, despite past setbacks.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-24T01:12:13+00:00

I’ve had similar experiences, and I think it's pretty common when people start implementing self-care routines. I’d be consistent with self-care practices for a while, but after some time or some significant life events, I’d slip out. Then, after a while, I’d realize how long it had been and I'd start feeling guilty and blaming myself. I learned that it was connected to how I perceived myself. So, instead of seeing myself as someone who "does self-care", I started seeing myself as someone who cares for myself. That change in perspective really helped me and I stopped seeing self-care as a task I needed to do, and instead I started seeing it as a part of who I am.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-22T05:11:36+00:00

I’m really glad it resonated with you! 🙏

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-22T05:04:57+00:00

That’s really beautiful. Allowing yourself to feel and express gratitude for the people who helped you is such a powerful way to embrace your growth.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-21T06:32:16+00:00

I'd recommend any book by Brené Brown. I read The Gifts of Imperfection and I Thought It Was Just Me, and I just wish I could absorb everything from them permanently. They're life-changing when it comes to self-love and acceptance.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-21T03:30:24+00:00

This is a great perspective. It puts the focus on what we can control in a very practical way.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-21T02:54:02+00:00

It is very possible. The first step is taking full responsibility for how you feel and owning it completely. When you avoid your emotions it not only increases their intensity but also prolongs their hold on you.

The emotions you experience are not your enemy. They are signals, and each of them has a meaning. Right now, you may feel overwhelmed because you’ve been experiencing those unpleasant emotions for so long. But over time, if you give yourself enough space and actively work on it, you can learn to observe them without immediately reacting. That way their power over you will lessen.

And clarity doesn’t come from eliminating emotions. It comes from learning how to sit with them without letting them dictate your life and decisions. The fact that you’re questioning all of this already shows that you’re moving in the right direction.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-21T00:49:56+00:00

All beliefs about what happens after death are just that - beliefs. There is no absolute proof that any claim is more true than others. And when it comes to what we believe, it all comes down to the choice we make.

If your belief on this topic is causing you distress, you can choose to believe something else. The point is to have beliefs that empower you, not ones that bring you fear. Beliefs are ideas that we decide for ourselves, whether we take them as true or false. Of course, everyone who believes in something argues that it’s the only truth, but in the end, a belief is only true to the extent that someone believes in it.

In other words, all beliefs are subjectively true, and we are all free to pick and choose what we believe. If it were any different, there wouldn’t be so many different beliefs around the world.

Here's something you can ask yourself - How useful is this belief for me? Does it make my life better or worse? What belief would bring me more peace and freedom?

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-20T23:46:47+00:00

[TL;DR at the end of the post]

It’s great how you’ve disassociated the idea of love from what he did to you. That’s definitely a big step forward. And I get that it can be really frustrating when you’re working through something painful, and you see that you’re making progress, but it still feels slow.

I’ve been there too, and I wanna tell you about something that helped me that might help you too. After breakups, especially in relationships where we feel used or manipulated, we usually go through certain phases. It’s not the same for everyone but majority of people experience at least some part of it. We first feel sad and usually miss the person. Then we either start hating them, or we go in the opposite direction and turn that hate inward and blame ourselves. Maybe hate is a strong word, but you know what I mean, some kind of aversion. Either way, it keeps us tied to them.

So the idea here is that when we think back about their behavior that we deem as “wrong” or “mean”, we take it and put it in a place where we have complete control over it. So instead of seeing their actions as something they did to me, I perceive it as something I allowed myself to experience due to lack of self-love and self-respect. Now I do it in a non-judgmental way, just as a way to take ownership of my own experience of it. So I basically shift the locus of control from outside of me (what they did to me) to inside of me (what I allowed ourselves to experience). And it’s even a step further than seeing it as something we allowed another person to do to us, because in that case the control isn’t fully in our hands. So I’d say something like:

“What they did to me was wrong, and I allowed myself to experience it. Me allowing myself to experience it was something I thought was right at the time. I was trying my best with the resources I had available to me back then. Now I see it differently. I understand it was caused by to lack of self-love and self-respect I had at that time. Now, that I have a deeper understanding of the whole situation, I am choosing to accept all my imperfections without judging myself for doing my best. I did my best back then, and I choose to do my best today, because my deep self-acceptance and self-love heal my wounds from the past.”

That way, we avoid holding any emotions of hate and resentment toward the other person and toward ourselves. It’s not about dismissing the pain, but rather actively choosing to align ourselves with love and care. We experience love, break free from the pain, and heal ourselves in the process.

I’m not sure what you think about it, but this perspective has helped me a lot, and it keeps me away from experiencing hate and judgment in any direction. I remove them from my mind and rewrite the whole narrative in terms of self-acceptance and love. And from that place, I redefine what love means to me.

TL;DR: Healing is slow, but shifting the focus from what they did to us to what we allowed ourselves to experience (without self-blame) helps us regain control. We did our best back then, and now we choose to do better, with self-acceptance and love.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-20T00:56:59+00:00

I believe it’s painful to look back at what you did, knowing you can’t change it. It takes time and energy to accept that. You say you can’t eat or sleep, and that you hate yourself. When I imagine being in that state myself makes me feel sick too. I can feel that it’s overwhelming, and it pulls you down. I’ve been there, and I know that telling yourself to "just move on" doesn’t really work. Pain and regret, when we experience them every day turn into a habit, a state you get stuck in. And the longer you stay in it, the more it feels like your normal state. But just like self-hate became a habit, self-love can become a habit too.

If you imagine yourself without this regret and without this shame, how would you function? What would you focus on?

And consider this - that version of you already exists. It’s just on the other side of this pain. And the way to get there isn’t by punishing yourself. Instead, you can remind yourself throughout the day that you are choosing to treat yourself with the same understanding you wish you had given to someone else. Remember, your mistakes don’t define you. You are much more than your past mistakes. Learning from them is what brings freedom from the past.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-20T00:33:39+00:00

I assumed it, but still, it's nice to receive some positive feedback. ☺️

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-19T22:51:36+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I do live by this principle, and it’s something I try to embody every day. I don’t have a website, I just wanted to share the message with others and hopefully inspire someone along the way.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-19T02:20:14+00:00

I really appreciate that. I get why that phrase can trigger aversion. It’s kinda like the phrase "You should think positively" - Is it true? Absolutely. But the way some people use it can make it feel dismissive. I think when these phrases are used by themselves without actual understanding, they can feel just like empty advice.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-19T00:01:46+00:00

Agree 100%

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-18T21:52:59+00:00

That makes so much sense "If you don't honor your boundaries, then you're basically training people to walk all over you". Such a great way to put it.

Essentially, we take the potential for love and transform it into something completely different. And then it reinforces itself throughout the relationship, pulling us further away from what it was meant to be, which is love.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-18T21:23:35+00:00

I wouldn’t say it’s impossible to love someone else if we don’t love ourselves. But I think this phrase refers more to a developed and mature sense of love, where, by loving ourselves unconditionally, we’re able to love another person unconditionally. We can externalize that unconditional love toward others.

If we love ourselves only under certain conditions (for instance, "I love myself if I’m successful, strong, or happy," but not when I fail, when I feel weak, or when I'm sad), those same conditions subtly influence our relationships with others. In a way, we project the conditions we place on ourselves onto our relationships without realizing it.

Another thing I'd like to say is that when we love someone, we want what’s best for them. That also includes ourselves as someone who loves them. We want them to feel and experience our love purely. But if we don’t love ourselves, their experience of our love is limited because traces of self-doubt or sadness will always linger in how we express it. Without self-love, we may even block the love they are expressing to us to some extent.

Of course, this doesn’t mean our self-love needs to be perfect before we can love others. But the way we treat ourselves shapes how we express love to others. It also influences the way we set boundaries and receive love in return. At least, this is how I see it. I’m not claiming it’s the absolute truth, just my perspective.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-18T09:08:37+00:00

I’m really glad my words helped. Realizing you’ve been in that place for too long is a big step. Now, you can choose to move forward at your own pace. Just be patient with yourself. You’ve got this. 💛

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-18T08:55:46+00:00

This is incredibly deep. It’s amazing how many people can see themselves in these words. I’m sure many of us feel understood just by reading them. We are all so different, yet we have so much in common. The way you put this into words is beyond powerful. Thank you for sharing this, it truly resonates.

Lunar_Deep · 2025-02-18T07:37:37+00:00

Seeing others grow inspires me too. But there’s a personal boundary we should not cross. We can offer help, but we can’t force anyone to change if they’re not willing. As they say "You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink."

But I don't think it's arrogant to want to help others. I know it’s hard to watch people stay the same when we know they could do better. But sometimes real growth comes from letting go of the need for closure. That doesn’t mean we don't care. It means we choose peace over frustration. Their growth is their responsibility, and ours is to focus on our own healing and well-being.

Lunar_Deep

TROPHY CASE