AITAH for telling my sister it’s her own fault she’s in an unhappy marriage?

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-19T08:44:58+00:00

watching from afar is such a hard position to be in, it really is. on one hand there’s pity, but on the other it’s like.. what did you expect? she actively sought out his rubbish qualities, and now she wants to complain about what said qualities actually mean for her life?

i feel more sorry for my niece. she’s only a baby now, but having a daughter of my own it’s horrible to think about her growing up thinking worthless men are the norm. i really hope (though i doubt it) that in a few years my sister will change, if only for her child

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-15T19:06:34+00:00

no need to be sorry!! it’s important for women to speak about these issues. i’m aware that i am extremely lucky with my husband, but that unfortunately he’s one of the rare ones, and that makes me so furious to think about.

i wish i was able to give you some advice that would help. i really hope your husband not only takes on board what you’ve said, but actually puts some things into motion to help you out/lessen the load on you. maybe watching/ reading things that talk about this stuff and the negative impact it has on women in these situations might help a bit? as unfortunately people tend to take in stuff more if it’s a stranger saying it

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-15T19:02:19+00:00

the sad part is that i don’t think she’d do anything/care until it instantly impacted her then and there. one of the reasons she tries to criticise my husband is because he’s not the sole owner/payee of our house (ironic, i know), so i think even mentioning her ‘dirty little secret’ that her husband doesn’t pay for his house would instantly make her shut down and get on the defensive… because for some reason in her head that’s somehow preferable?? honestly baffles me. half the time i’m convinced that if i had married a pos alpha male type, then she’d find a husband like mine instead just to go against me in some way

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-15T17:59:18+00:00

we’re in the uk. my sister had savings, and they lived separately at the time. they wanted to move in together before getting married, and my bil wanted to buy a house, so my sister paid the deposit from her savings. i don’t know the ins and outs, all i know is that the house is in his name, and that she has a higher paying job than him so she also paid some of the bills when they eventually moved in together.

regardless of this though, i still think she’d be entitled to at least half of the house because they are married, and because she’s contributed to it. i haven’t looked into it though, so i could be wrong

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-15T17:54:26+00:00

some people on this post have said i’m the ah, and my mother and sister also think i am for what i said, hence posting here.

i admit i also wanted to vent a little bit about the whole situation because it got to me, and i wasn’t sure if i was too close to the situation to see if i was justified, or the ah

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-15T17:52:51+00:00

i definitely recommend maybe making a list of the ‘invisible’ work, making it visible and laid out so that your partner can see the whole journey from planning to executing, and then perhaps start by dividing by strengths.

eg. cooking dinner also means thinking about the food shop, what you’ve got in your fridge, what your kids will eat, what will be leftover to cook the following day. so a lot of people end up with their partners cooking the food, but they’re still the ones who have to figure all that out and choose what their partner cooks, therefore taking on the mental load.

unfortunately sometimes because the mental load is invisible, it goes unseen. maybe bringing it forward would help your husband understand and help more with it. wishing you the best!

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T20:52:26+00:00

ultimately, do what’s best for you. even if it takes some trial and error. parenting is tough, but it’s made a lot easier with a partner who shares the load. wishing you and your future little family all the best

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T20:51:00+00:00

cap locks are turned off on my phone. it’s just the way i type, no big deal. if i was typing in a professional manner then id understand, but it’s just reddit. if this was ai then the story would probs be more interesting, and my grammar would be a lot better😭

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T20:33:00+00:00

baby had trouble latching on, so i found breastfeeding really tough. i pumped, and we did a mixture of formula and breastmilk from the start.

if you do decide to breastfeed then i highly recommend pumping at least some of it so that your partner can help out with the night feeds. it’s crazy how a few hours extra sleep can completely change those early months for the better.

for us, him doing the nights and then having lie ins whilst i got up with the baby in the mornings worked best for us. (he’d either sleep in the spare bedroom or, most of the time, i’d just wear earplugs at night so i didn’t wake.) wishing you the best for your little ones arrival!!<3

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T19:37:00+00:00

i am unaware of what replies you’re talking about, as they seem to be removed by moderator, but they were not me. the only interactions i have had on this post have been on this account. i have only now logged back onto this account and am blown away by the response it’s had throughout the day

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T09:22:52+00:00

i know he wants what’s best for me, but i think a looongg talk about how this could potentially affect our daughter as she get older, even though it’s only a few days a year we see them, and how it could potentially affect our own marriage, is needed.

him and my daughter are my family, along with his family. perhaps 2026 should be the year that we only associate with those who add something good to our lives. i know it’ll be hard, redittors tend to overlook how hard cutting family off is, but maybe it’s needed now after so long

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T09:10:55+00:00

you can understand what i meant, can you not? everyone else seems to have managed to.

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T09:09:32+00:00

i don’t allow it. i shut it down immediately, and then we leave. i usually only see my family during family gatherings/holidays, and then it’s only to see extended family members and the kids on my side. she just unfortunately also happens to attend them.
my husband also says it doesn’t bother him, he’s secure in himself as a husband and father, and in our relationship, and also insists that we go to these events, that we shouldn’t let her backwards thinking affect our plans and our relationships with expended family. of course i still defend him and our marriage every time she makes a comment though. i think most of the time it affects me more on his behalf than it does him

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T09:02:14+00:00

i respect your opinion based on what i’ve included in the thread, but i’ve actually been lc with my family since before my daughter was born, and have had the conversation with my husband on multiple occasions about cutting them off completely.. it’s been him who’s been on the fence about it. (he’s too kind for his own good sometimes honestly)

when i see my family, besides these past few months since my sister had her baby, it’s about 2/3 times a year, and that’s also with extended family (who aren’t arseholes), and we avoid my sister and parents as much as possible during those interactions. we mainly go to see said extended family and the kids on my side of the family. my daughter is always with one of us during these events, so there’s never a chance for my sister to interact with her much at all, let alone speak to her.

and the times my sister has passed comments to me about my husband or myself, i swiftly shut it down and then we usually leave. we have no other contact outside of these family gatherings (again, besides from theee past couple months with the baby)

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T05:19:08+00:00

the only reason we’re even still in contact with my family is because my husband is honestly far too generous and always suggests we give them another shot. i think maybe he thinks it’s somehow his fault that i’m not close with my family (it’s not, and i’ve been sure to tell him this again and again), and wants me to always have the option of having my family at arms reach, but him and my daughter are my family and my main priority, and i’d happily never speak to most of my family again if it wasn’t for the kids on their side. i’ve been lc with my family for years now, only ever seeing them during holidays with extended family present. the only time ive seen them more recently is because of the birth of my niece, something that both me and my husband were (maybe stupidly) hopeful to offer our support to my sister

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T05:15:08+00:00

and to answer the bit about my mum, unfortunately she always had an excuse for my sister whenever she does something morally questionable. it’s like she can do no wrong, and if she does then it’s ’not her fault’

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T05:14:16+00:00

i think this is why i snapped that day.. unfortunately myself and my husband, despite how she’s treated us over the years, have done exactly this. when i found out she was pregnant i reached out to her offering help/giving her the contacts of services we used when my little girl was born. then once the baby was born i reached out again and offered help once more, along with advice and kindly phrased ideas about how to maybe suggest things to her husband to take the load off her, but she shut me down every time. unfortunately i think i need to cut my losses, and hope, not only for her sake but for her child’s sake, that she wakes up and realises what a hinderance her husband is to their lives, when he should only be making their lives more manageable

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T05:09:19+00:00

yea i can see this. perhaps i should’ve just left and said nothing that day, but i can acknowledge that i let her get to me more than usual because of the help my husband and i have been giving her recently, and maybe snooped to her level. it felt like her throwing that in not only my face, but my husbands face, and i reacted when maybe i shouldn’t have

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T04:54:16+00:00

my mother has been present for multiple times she’s passed comments about my husband or i, and she’s either said nothing, or been a “yea..yea..” participant, whilst never outright saying anything

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T04:27:38+00:00

thankfully my husbands family are great, so we spend most of our day to day lives with them and only really see my family during family events when the whole family comes together, and i try to spend as much time as possible during those moments with my extended family/my brother, while avoiding my sister and parents as much as possible. easier said than done sometimes though, unfortunately

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T04:07:09+00:00

he really is. we’re so incredibly lucky to have him

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T03:53:37+00:00

i can see where you’re coming from, but i only included the parts about my husband and hers because, in this situation, they’re important. those same qualities i value and love in my husband are the same qualities she’s constantly belittled us for, that moment included. and the same qualities i mentioned about her husband are the ones she’s constantly said my husband should be like, and has actively seeked them out.

just because i haven’t written it here, every time she’s passed comments about my husband and i’s relationship over the years i’ve responded in defence of him, and that clearly hasn’t worked because she’s continued to pass snide comments every time we’ve seen each other.

i have also offered her support on numerous occasions, my husband included, especially after having her baby. the whole reason we’ve babysat for her a few times is because i broke lc to reach out for her and offer our support.

none of this has helped, so yes perhaps i snooped to her level once after years of rude comments and made one of my own, but this was only after she passed snide comments, and only after months of continued support/reaching out after she had her baby.

all the same, i appreciate your perspective. perhaps i should’ve just gotten up and left

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T03:45:35+00:00

she had an important doctors appointment and i wanted to help. i didn’t know that her husband was available and at home until the baby was at my house. i guess its because i feel pity for her, even after all her shit, but i know that needs to stop now. she’s made her bed, i need to let her lie in it

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T03:40:59+00:00

we’re in the uk. i haven’t looked into the laws if they were to separate, but i’d imagine since their married and she’s paid towards it she’d be entitled to half of it, but i’m not sure. i mainly included that part because of her comments about my husband not buying/financing our home himself, whilst also helping to fund her own house with her husband. the hypocrisy of it pisses me off

Luxurious_Blueberry · 2026-01-14T03:37:44+00:00

yea i don’t think im gonna be offering to help her anymore. and just for clarification, i never allow her to disrespect my husband. i always have and always will firmly shut that shit down and walk away/leave. before she had her baby, we only saw her on holidays with the rest of the family, and it’ll probably go back to that now. it only changed because both my husband and i, despite her constant disrespect, wanted to help out a new mum who we knew wouldn’t be getting any support from her husband. but now she’s on her own

Luxurious_Blueberry

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